Arkansas Awareness

It has been great getting away to Arkansas with the family. Though some initial hesitations created anxiety, I am happy to report that the visit has gone without incident and we all seem to be enjoying what the Bay has to offer. Quiet, respite, peace, outdoors, sounds of water hitting the shore, docks rocking in the river, an occasional motorized water vehicle, the birds singing, the 4 wheelers racing down the road, and the sound of trees brushing the branches of their neighbor. It is in these sounds and in the presence of a God who gives great gifts that I have had a opportunity to consider how He loves me and He calls me to love others. I can in no way articulate what He continues to teach me about my own heart. In my effort to care for others, I have often fallen short. In so doing, I have suffered the consequences of not being in line with God's desire and leading in my life.

Though forgiveness reconciles my heart to His, I have not been able to reconcile other relationships through forgiveness. Perhaps, the forgiveness I most desire is the forgiveness I need to extend to myself. In the weeping and grieving that took me to my knees, I begged for forgiveness from my God, from my community, from my dear friend and from her family and friends. I know God forgives me. It's His promise and His nature to maintain relationship and commitment to me throughout all the days of my life. It's that same promise He offers you. On our best days and our worst days, He wants nothing more than to reconcile brokenness and pain and extend grace and comfort. So much peace has come to my heart knowing that God will not punish me for my inadequacies. Even as others may question and find fault with who I am and who God created me to be, my God will love me and secure his loving arms of protection around me.

Forgiving myself has taken more soul searching than accepting God's forgiveness and accepting the lack of response and reconciliation from others. Realizing I have hurt some in ways that I never intended and can never repay causes my heart to burn with grief and sorrow. I wish so badly that I could go and lay these burdens at the altar of the hearts of those who have felt injured at my hand. Would I then be able to forgive myself? Maybe, if I work extra hard with my new relationships to prove that I am generous and kind, the forgiveness will be easier for me to accept. Or, if I can love someone with abundance and gentleness I will find myself worthy enough to forgive.

As much as I would like that to be the case, I don't believe my actions or lack thereof will ever be substantial enough to justify forgiveness to myself. Rather, I believe it is in complete and utter abandon of my own judgement that I will receive the forgiveness I desire. I can live the rest of my life feeling guilty and ashamed of who I was and what I have done. Or, I can honor the promises of God cleansing power and accept forgiveness on my own behalf. Not sure if I have waited so long to do this because I believe I should be punished by the plaguing guilt and sadness of loss and supposed abandonment. Or, maybe I just didn't know if others would think I didn't realize the enormity of my failure. Maybe, I just didn't see moving forward and opening my heart to sharing, loving and receiving was an option. The perseverance and reassurance of my close friends have been the life saving grace that God offered me over the past few years. It is their love and confidence in me as a person, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a friend that made the difference between me withdrawing into my world of persecution and self destruction, and entering the world each day to be blessed by its offerings and potential.

Now, I find myself hearing these birds and breathing in the scent of the magnolia blossoms and beginning to accept that punishing, ridiculing, and accepting the lies is only keeping me from enjoying in fullness all that God offers me as gifts. The moment I claimed Him as my own, He accepted me, full of failure and darkness. But, He made me new. He continues to make me new each and every time I turn to Him and offer myself and ask for His cleansing power to wash away the darkness of my human heart. He agrees to do so, and I accept. Now, I have to be as willing to forgive myself so I can truly claim my inheritance as His daughter. What a testament it will be to walk boldly into each new moment knowing that all I have to offer and receive is offered with a full spirit and an open heart. No longer will fear or shame be a motivating factor in the choices I make to love and serve others.

It is with this hope and joy that I accept the gifts of friendships I have right here and now. Clinging to people and moments from the past in hopes of a door opening, a kind word spoken, a renewed, reconciled relationship have to be left alone and abandoned in order to receive what God is offering me right now. My joy cannot be contained in the hope I have for my family's future in this place. As often as I have apologized for past actions and decisions, I have in equal proportion been thankful for God's reminders of forgiveness and love as he strategically offers new relationships with amazing people. Never failing to pray for reconciliation and forgiveness, I willingly accept the offering of friendship and life this new time brings. Not rejecting the past or wishing it away, but thanking God for the past that brings me to today, I willingly and whole heartedly rejoice.

Sweet moment

Sweetest moment of my day...
Sweet little R., a new member to our class was crying at the start of nap time. She has done such a great job of meshing with the class. Just jumped right in and became a part of the group. She entertains the teachers with her very adult-like interactions, but doesn't seem to struggle to interact with the other children. But, nap time had her sad, missing her mommy. She was so precious, laying in her sleeping bag, with the covers pulled up right to her chin. When I saw her tears, I sat down on the floor next to her. I asked her if I could sit with her for awhile.

She nodded her little head, with tears streaming down her face. I reassured her that her mommy would be back. Then I wiped the tears from her eyes, and brushed the hair off her forehead. I whispered to her, "I think you are so brave.". I was struck in that moment how quickly we go from honoring the bravery of a young child who is strong enough to separate from her mommy for a few hours each day, to thinking that such sentimentality is a weakness. As years go on, we interpret this sadness from separation a flaw, or a deficit.

I understand why this is the case. At 38, if I were crying every time I left my family members, I would have puffy, swollen eyes, 24/7. I would be crying all the time. I don't always get to have the people who make me feel safe and secure by my side. The sheer fact that we don't live near family eliminates the possibility. Then there are those who have made the choice for me, to not be a part of my life, or the life of my family. The weight of those losses is heavy and brings on its own flood of tears. But, I think about that beautiful baby girl, crying as my hand moved the wisps of hair from her eyes, and I realized that God was using her to touch my heart. This tender moment made me remember what it's like to need and to be needed.

I loved telling her how brave and strong she was. It was a peaceful exchange consisting of sadness and great connection. How hard it is to suffer in silence, as this little one was trying to do. When God gives me moments to see the pain of those around me, I am so thankful. Because, He reminds me in these moments how we all try to hide our tears by pulling the covers over our eyes. Secretly, hoping and praying someone will notice and tend to the brokenness we can't even articulate with words. Today, I had my heart tended to by seeing the strength of R. She reminded me of the power and energy it takes to make it through a terrain of unknowns, which is life.