Don't you think it is interesting that when someone is having a hard time, out of sorts, or just grumpy, the common question is, "what's wrong?" Think of how many times we ask our children this question. "What's the problem?, What's wrong?. What's going on?" I was asked that question today. My response, "I don't know." You know that feeling when you just don't know? You feel blah, sad, just under, not yourself. Nothing specific to cause the feeling, but everything in general just feels a little off. I love thinking about how kids must feel when asked that question. If we can't figure out what is wrong sometimes, I can so understand why a child can't articulate a feeling.
Or...why did you do that? Isn't that another interesting question for a child, or an adult. Most of us don't know "why" in the midst of an action. We can figure it out, but sometimes, that doesn't even happen. I wish I could figure out why I do what I do, or why I feel what I feel. And when that question comes, and you are asked to articulate the great unknown reasons "why", there is nothing, which in and of itself causes even more confusion and dismay. We want to know our hearts and our feelings, whether good or bad. We want a reason why it hurts or aches. Somehow if there was a reason, we surely could make it better.
Today I was thinking about whether God is disappointed in those moments of our sadness and despair. I don't have enough fingers or toes to count the blessings that God has given me. Should that not be enough for me to thank my lucky stars and sing praises to His greatness? Can I do that and still feel sad, alone, frustrated. The sky was beautiful tonight, breathtaking as a matter of fact. There were so many colors and shades of light and darkness. The moon was beside me with its face clear and all knowing. There were very subtle cotton clouds that drifted close by. Straight ahead were the bright orange hues of the sun setting. Not just orange, but pink, purple, red, yellow. Then the blue sky just above the colors. Then the darkness with wispy clouds stretched across the night sky. I so wanted to drive to that orange beauty. Just past the clouds, past the darkness, past the impending night. I wanted to follow the light and live in its warmth. I didn't want to look towards the darkness and certainly didn't want to turn into it. But, that is exactly what I had to do to get home. So on one side now I see the beauty of the setting sun, and to the other, the bright moon with the fluffy clouds playing around the smile of its face.
Are our lives like that night sky sometimes? All the joy and reverence of the light, all the fear and loneliness of the darkness wrapped in our hearts and minds and souls. And where is God in that sky? Is He the light? Is He the moon, the stars, the darkness, the clouds? If I drive to the sunset, will He be there offering me peace and comfort? If I go into the darkness, will He meet me there and hold me close? If I go to the moon, will He allow me to play like the clouds that float free and easy? Do I have to go anywhere? I don't want the darkness that looms close. It represents the loss of those people, ideals, gifts, and identity that I thought God gave me and that I somehow was unable to prove worthy enough to keep. I don't want to look too closely or share too deeply the reality of how lost in the darkness some days and nights feel to me. Does God still love me in this place? He has given me so much and I have failed to be who He made me to be. I have hurt my family, my friends, and my God.
In the night sky tonight I saw God in the darkness and in the light, in the clouds and in the moon. I wanted to be there, but He was here. He was with me, singing to me through His painted sky as I looked at his goodness and cried in my sorrow. He knows I have failed. He knows that I am not all He wants me to be. He knows I didn't honor all of His gifts to me. And He knows that I will continue to struggle with the darkness that looms too close and wraps around me threatening to steel the peace that is the essence of His love. Knowing all this about me, my God is here, right here, with me. He is with me in the darkness and in the light. He is with me in my sin and in my songs of praise. He just loves me. He loves me when I can't remember who I am or who He wants me to be. He loves me when I forget that His goodness is ever present and always true. He loves me when I question and when I cry.
So like our little children who don't know why they are grumpy or why they hit, cry, run, push, yell, and struggle to coordinate their actions when they don't even know what they are feeling; we too question how to make our lives reflect the goodness of God in the midst of this world. Often times we don't know why we feel sadness in the midst of His goodness. And all too often, we know too well that the sorrow stems from loss and pain that only our Father can understand because He too lost His son and watched through tearful eyes the pain and abuse that Jesus suffered. God is here. He is with me, and He is with you. He doesn't take all the pain and He doesn't protect us from the sorrow. He just lives it with us, if we let him.
