This is the day the Lord has made

I just saw a picture of my dad, and I started crying. I wasn't expecting that. His picture is in several places in our house. I see him everyday. The peace and relief of knowing that he is whole usually brings smiles to my face and joy to my heart. Today, those feelings remain, but tears roll down my cheeks.

It's hard to describe what this moment in my life feels like. I love change. I welcome it and look forward to what new, exciting, life-changing, heart-growing experiences God brings my way. But with that, comes fear. Fear and excitement are often linked together. It seems fear is often associated with negative emotions or circumstances. It is an emotion that should be avoided and/or corrected. In singing, fear is something that brings energy and focus. (Not sure if this is the case for all singers, musicians, or performers.) But, fear spikes the rush of adrenaline used to create the tension that audience members find engaging. How do singers perform an aria, song, or anthem with accuracy and intensity? Through excitement, technique, and adrenaline-inducing fear, singers walk on stage, perform, and exit leaving the audience feeling fulfilled.

That is the threshold where I stand. It feels so much more natural to walk onto a stage with all the unknowns, instability and uncertainties. Walking into tomorrow with those realities is not comfortable or natural. I suppose we all walk into our tomorrows not knowing. That is only too true for family and friends who were shocked into realities by the loss and tragedy of our own humanity and the injustice of this world. None of us know what tomorrow will bring, or, who tomorrow will take away. Standing on this threshold of fear and excitement leaves me speechless. I want the hope and promise tomorrow has to bring, but I am afraid of who won't be there. You see, I can do without my house, my tv's, my favorite foods, Fresh Market, and even my computer (which feels like my life's link or rather the link to life's escape). But, I am afraid to say goodbye to the people who are in my today.

I have moved from Indiana to Connecticut to New York to Illinois. In each of those states we have had multiple addresses. We have moved our "things", our "possessions", our "home". Friends have stood the test of time and location. There isn't a doubt in my mind that we will maintain the people who have impacted our lives. Even those who we may never speak with again, they will always be a part of who we are. But, in reality, I don't want to say goodbye yet. There are people that I can't imagine not having around. And though I know I don't get to control my tomorrows, leaving means the reality of saying goodbye is ever closer. I can cling to truths, and to promises. Knowing that people have loved us across borders and various time zones reassures me that friendships can be maintained and even thrive within a cyber world. But, on this threshold of tomorrow, I admit that I am afraid that some relationships will end the minute I turn to open the door to tomorrow. Forgive me for being sad or melodramatic. That isn't my intention.

I guess there is a part of me that is trying to convince myself this ok. It's ok to be sad, to be afraid, and to be confused with all the feelings I have. Lord knows I say that to my friends all the time. "It is ok to feel. You can judge it all you want. You can wish it away or pretend it isn't so. But, in the end you feel what you feel. There isn't a right or wrong." I don't want to let go, even though I know that tomorrow has the potential to be far more than today.

My dad is living that potential right now. He is living in freedom and joy. The tomorrow that we didn't want to come in saying goodbye to my dad did arrive. He is now living the tomorrow that we all wish we could have in the here and now. But for us, we are without him. It marks a time and place in our lives that hurts and forces us to adjust and accept a tomorrow that isn't what we hoped or prayed. Even though it is amazing and wonderful, full of everything we could only imagine for him; it leaves us feeling confused, sad, and lonely.

I hate goodbyes. There is just no getting around it. So today I will accept the fact that I don't want to let go yet. I will trust in the tomorrow that is waiting to bless me and my family. Tears, streaming through the delight and wonder of what tomorrow will bring, will honor the people that I have come to know and love. I love it that my dad is here for me. His presence is felt and his comfort is near in a way that I truly need at this moment.