Breathing

Sometimes, breathing takes more effort than it should. You know those days? When taking in air feels like it is choking you? It's not supposed to feel like that, is it? I am pretty sure that breathing is one of those involuntary actions that is meant to bring relief when considered consciously, not cause pain or suffocation. But, I am really thinking that breathing in and out over this past weekend has taken more effort that it should have.

Maybe it's because, in an effort to hold my tongue, I had to gulp air in instead of inhale in a very easy, unconscious manner as God intended. I felt all weekend that if given the chance, I would use the air in my body to unleash a fury of words on a family member who was testing my patience and gentleness in every manner possible. I initially believed that the effort to push me to the edge was unconscious on her part. Who would intentionally want to cause such discomfort and uneasiness on anyone, let alone a family member. Wait a minute, scratch that question. Who better or more likely to vomit anger and bitterness upon than a family member? Family can't disregard or run, they are required to stand in the line of fire and accept the the benefits and the deficits of being a member of the family. If done to a stranger, they may be put in their place, or even worse, be put 10 feet under with the same wrath in which they were instigating.

Enough of the vague references, if I am to be honest with you, I will have to share the reality of the weekend's unpleasantness. The in-laws were in town! Yes, the in-laws. Does God have a book of the Bible dedicated to the pain, suffering, and discord that the IN-LAWS? Better yet, what about a book on the grace that must be called upon to deal with the in-laws? I am sure many can offer their wisdom, but can any explain how to get air into my body without it literally causing pain while dealing with the in-laws? Let me be clear, so that the in-laws who read this know I am not referring to them. Chris' parents were in town this weekend. So, my angst, frustration, confusion and disbelief is directly related to just them. Chris' parents have raised 3 beautiful children, and I am lucky to be married to a great man that I can thank them for raising. He has unyielding loyalty to his family, friends, colleagues and students. The behavior of his parents is not representative of their children, so I can only assume that there is much more going on in their lives than we are privy to. I am sad that we don't get to know their hearts better so we can love and accept them for who they are, instead of the actions that we must ignorantly interpret. It can't be easy. We see them only 3-4 times a year. We have struggled and attempted to walk with dignity through trying times. They see the new place we are in, and they have heard the difficulties we have experienced in getting here. There hearts must have broken time and time again knowing how hard it has been for their son and their grandchildren, and even me.

Some very uncharacteristic behavior, including physical interactions, verbal assaults with critical, cynical, and sarcastic currents, as well as outright disrespect were offered in full doses throughout the weekend. From being grabbed by the arm, having my face grabbed in attempt to get my attention, to being told that I have not put my family as a priority; my mother-in-law made the point very clearly that I was not her favorite person. In fact, she outrightly told me, and Chris, that I was not important and that my needs were secondary to the needs of her son. Duh! Spoken like only a mother protective of her baby boy could venomously speak. She challenged me to consider my behaviors and justify to myself whether I had put her son first, or at least attempted to. I think she was looking for a reckoning! (We spoke of God'sreckoning with Job in Sunday School class today. Look, I was paying attention, and I am using it in my own tale.) She was ready to lay into me, and share what she had been carrying around in her heart and mind all weekend, if not the past 19 years that Chris and I have been a couple. Those of you who know me, know that I am not afraid of these moments, and sometimes even enjoy them. I like the discord that conflict brings, mostly because it will lead to harmony and understanding.

But, given the emotional upheaval of the past year, I was incapable of engaging in the moment and I think that really upset my mother in-law. She was looking for a battle, and in the past I would have eagerly engaged. But, I have seen life differently since my father died in May. Sometimes I gave my energy away to people, circumstances, moments that didn't deserve my attention. I did it selfishly; because it felt good to have the adrenaline rush that discord often empowers. I did it unknowingly; because I didn't realize I needed that rush. I did it ashamedly; because I thought somehow if I proved my point, if I could out-argue my opponent, I was somehow "better". In my own defense, I also did it because God especially equipped me to speak. I am quick and I am articulate, sometimes to a fault. I don't say that because I need to boast or build myself up after cutting myself down. I say it because I am tired of making excuses and apologizing for who God created me to be. But, I am learning that I don't always enter into situations and interactions fully aware of God's timing and discernment.

I didn't feel the need to defend myself. There was nothing to defend. I apologized for hurting her, and I asked for forgiveness. I then went about my business of caring for my family. When the weekend came to an end, more aggression was offered as she voiced her anger about our family's decision to visit friends in Illinois at Halloween, and our indecision about our holiday plans. Though we did commit to spending one of the upcoming holidays with Chris' side of the family, I voiced our decision to consider my mom's needs, my side of the family's needs since this will be our first season without my dad. This obviously was not what she wanted to hear. She was angry and hurt. Certainly not our intention, but I can see that she would be disappointed. Many hurtful things were said as she expressed her disappointment with our priorities being on our friends, and not on the family. (Side note: I don't think she realizes that if I don't get to see my friends in Illinois face to face, live and in person, she will have a lot more to worry about in regards to our priorities. It is in every one's best interest, and my own mental health and stability to be able to go to see my friends in Illinois and my family in Indianapolis. She would have to watch her husband be driven crazy by his lunatic wife if I am unable to stay connected with those who have meant so much to our family.)

Let me wind this down so I can pay attention to my priorities as they return from church. It is hard to breathe sometimes. It is hard to get air in and out when you feel like you are drowning in your inabilities to meet expectations. Maybe it is just me, but I have a feeling that at one time or another, we all struggle with breathing and allowing the air to fill us up, instead of suffocate us. I found myself there this weekend, and I know there will be times ahead. So what do you do? What did I do?

I prayed. I cried. I communicated my discontent on face book. I called my mom. I wished for my dad. I got angry with my husband. I tried to protect my children. I called my friends. I went to church. I cried some more. I breathed through the pain and the contempt that I was feeling at being unable to share myself with these people who are so important to us. I grieved, and I believe that the spirit grieved within me. We grieved together for the pain they must be feeling to be so hurtful to those they love. We grieved for the detachment that is inevitable when judgment and bitterness become the response to relationships between family and friends. I am finding it easier to breathe this evening, but the tears that I have been holding back are flooding down my cheeks. I wish I could go back and isolate the moment that hurt my mother in-law so I could make it right. This weekend has brought back many painful moments that I would like to go back and isolate in hopes of correcting and making right. That isn't an option. So I will grieve the brokenness in this moment, and I will grieve the brokenness of other relationships that I miss and want to reconcile. Waiting for God's time, and the patience to accept, forgive, and love even in the midst of the pain of broken relationships. Most of all, I am hoping and believing in God's perfect peace and comfort.