And this is love...

And this is love, not that I have first loved You. And this is love, that You have first loved me. You gave up your life, a perfect sacrifice. And this is love...

These lyrics keep running through my mind. I have been grappling with this miraculous kind of love in contrast to the love I have to offer. I pray that one day I will love in the way Christ has modeled, but so frequently lately I fall short. I have this expectation that love looks a certain way. It is acceptance and understanding. It is forgiveness and accommodation. It is free and ever changing with the seasons.

Maybe you know the feeling of moving forward in your thinking and understanding, but believing that others only see you for your past rationales and perceptions. When once you would have shunned or disapproved, judged and condemned, now you accept and honor because you have realized your own frailty and fallibility. But, when others are not moving with you, they can't see where you are or where you are going. So, they are left only realizing what you once were and how you once thought. No matter how much people believe they can stay detached and just call on you when their need or desire arises, they can't possibly know where your heart is if they stay disconnected.

My heart is grieving this evening as I recognize the reality of this truth. My sister hasn't spoken to me for about 6 weeks. I don't know where her heart is, and she doesn't know, nor does she seem to want to know where my heart is. As hard as I try to stay loving and open, I fall into a place of bitterness. How could she not want to be apart of my life? After everything our family has been through, losing our dad about nine months ago, how can she intentionally decide to disconnect. She is angry, she feels like my priorities are wrong, she is hurt. Though I can't understand the specifics that brought her to the place of disconnecting, I do understand the broader emotions that drove her to the decision. I know anger, hurt, and misunderstanding. I think I have responded negatively to others with the same base emotions driving my choices.

I want to own the parts of the pain I caused. I know I am not perfect. I could make excuses and they might justify my actions. OR, I could say nothing and that may suggest a certain guilt. My heart grieves too for not getting to be a part of my sister's life. Today was her daughter's birthday. I called their home and got to leave a message. But, I didn't get to hear about her party or what she did at school. There is a distance that I can't swallow right now. Being shut out makes me question who I am. Am I so intolerable that my own sister can't stand contact with me? Am I so reprehensible that it is safer for her to disconnect entirely? How very sad it is to realize my family is missing out on relationships that could be very fruitful.

The arguments could be made this is my choice. We moved to Texas, we chose to spend vacation time with friends and family. We don't write, call, or visit enough. It's all true. As much as I would like to move forward and pretend it doesn't matter, it does. It matters I don't get to have a sister. She is here, alive, real, my family. She is choosing to not have the benefits of our relationship and she is stealing the benefits from me. Some sisters have to say goodbye far too soon, and it is permanent, at least until Jesus reconciles us all to Him. I have seen this reality, and it is so painful.

My sister isn't the first to disconnect from me. It hurts to know the love I have for others is so easily disregarded. This evening I can rationalize all the truths about why, but my heart is aching and the tears are stinging. I feel like I am whining and complaining without offering the great benefits these relationships have played in my life. Again, I can rationalize those things, but I have this bitter view tonight that seems to be coloring my understanding.

And this is love...That is what I have to remember. The gift of love is not what is given in response to an offering. Love is given as the gift. It is given when nobody accepts or wants it. Love is given because we love the person, not for what they've done or can do, but because they are a child of God, and we are called to love in this Christlike way. I am not there. I want to be. I pray to be. But, I still find it easier to love those who respond and accept the love I am offering, even though it is substandard and inadequate. I am sad. I miss my sister. I miss my friend. I want to know her heart, but I can't make her want to offer this. I can't beg, plead, or explain enough to make her want to know me. And sadly, as each day passes, our hearts grow that much further apart. How long will it take before the desire fades entirely? Maybe that has already happened. I grieve this possibility. I also feel very selfish wishing for it to change.

If I trust God, then I have to believe that what is right now will be used to bring His will to fruition. So, not having connection must be serving somebody, even though it doesn't seem to be serving me. I am selfish for wanting this. Clearly I am torn about how to handle this difficult situation. It is not for me to resolve. Ugh, not having control is so...frustrating...challenging...exhausting...painful. In this moment, I will trust God. He is in this with me. He is with those I love, and those who have meant so much to my heart. Thankfully, God knows the sadness in my heart because He feels it daily for all his loved ones who turn away from Him. It's not the same, by any stretch of the imagination. God is perfect, and well, I am...NOT! I know my loved ones have good reasons for turning from me. It just makes me sad. Enough pouting. I must go pluck my eyebrows.