OK

It's been quite some time since my last blog. I have tried several times, but I haven't been able to complete a thought that was worth sharing. Not sure this effort will prove more productive, but, here it goes.

You know how people ask, "How are you doing?" And, you (and I) respond, "I'm doing well." or, "Doing OK.". Do you ever really think in your head, "Actually, I am not doing well today." or, "I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. Thanks for asking." I frequently respond with the answer that I think most people want to hear. "I am doing well.", "Every thing's great.", "Doing OK." Either there isn't enough time to really explain where I am mentally, or, I don't really think the truth is what is warranted in the moment.

I recently confronted my own thinking on the subject. The "higher" truth, or the more accurate "global" truth is that I really am OK. Even when my brain feels like it is splitting open, and I am more exhausted than I can understand; I am OK. Part of the reason that I haven't been blogging is because I have had my mind on a few things that are burdening my heart. Unfortunately, there isn't a solution, remedy, or antidote to offer to ease the heaviness. So, when I sit down to write, I think through all the ways that I have fallen short. As eager as I am to write the positives that come out of burdens and heart ache; I linger on the negatives that arise from broken relationships and unresolved conflicts.

My heart hurts knowing that I can't say, do, write, or explain enough to bring resolution to the brokenness in the relationships that feel so distant and withdrawn. Even as I rationalize that all will be reconciled, in His time, I struggle to accept that I am meant to disconnect and accept. Knowing that time is fleeting and life is too short; I feel this yearning to connect and resolve the conflicts with people that I love and miss. Loss is inevitable. I am accepting that truth. My dad is gone, and the pain of his absence is fresh and deep. I guess that is why it is hard for me to accept the conscious choice of friends and family members who disconnect and detach.

The choice to withdraw and cut ties has never been easy for me. I call it separation anxiety. I don't willingly say good-bye or let go. It hurts. But, I am realizing others find this a very acceptable tool for dealing with life and all the ups and downs it presents. In some ways I envy this ability to let go, and to choose it rather than waiting for the inevitable to happen. It's not fun being on the other end of a relationship where a person refuses to respond or communicate. I know it is easier for them to let go rather than deal with who I am, flaws and all. To be honest, there are times when I want to run and deny any connection with myself too.

Thankfully, it is OK. Recently, I went to Seattle, Washington to visit good friends. It was such a relaxing, comfortable, and refreshing experience. Though getting there was not easy, I had this moment right before I landed in Seattle that made me realize how everything could be OK. After getting through the clouds that hovered over Texas, dropping inches of snow in a state barely capable of handling a dusting, we were sailing through blue skies that could best be described as...captivating. As we began approaching our descent, before the clouds attempted to swallow the plane whole, the mountain peaks came into full view. It was the most amazing sight. Above the clouds billowing at the break of the skyline, these mountains escalated and stood proudly. Their white caps jutting forth, unwilling to be shadowed by the clouds.

Soon we were descending through the clouds and settling onto the runway at Seattle's airport. The clouds were thick and hazing the view of the mountains. My dear friends, Joy and Tom were the best tour guides. They were so eager for me to see those mountains, but they knew unless the sun came out, there was no chance. At one point I exclaimed that I could see them. They informed me those were just the foothills of the mountains. They were still loftier than anything that I could imagine having as a landscape in my every day life. Only as I look back at the pictures taken on the plane, and the ones taken of the landscape of the area surrounding their new home did it occur to me how similar life is to those views. I want so badly to see the fullness of the mountains in my daily life. I want to see beyond the clouds to the frosty white mountaintops.

But, just as I am not meant to see the mountains, in all their glory; I am not meant to have the fullness of relationships that only God can offer at the time when I am reconciled with Him. It was OK that I didn't get to see the mountains while I was on the ground in Washington. I knew they were there. I also knew that I was seeing the beauty of so many other wonders; the ocean waters, the huge trees, the rolling earth, and the clouds in the night sky shining brightly as they traveled across its terrain. Many relationships bless me daily. Though at times I am unlovable, selfish, and more than a little difficult, I have friends and family who love me and are willing to walk this world with me. I will not give up on hoping for reconciliation, connection, and clarity in the relationships that today are distant and unresponsive. I won't get to choose the time, place, or circumstance when the fullness of friendship moves through the clouds of darkness that hinder connection. But, until then, it's OK. It's OK to enjoy the beauty of what I do see and the connections with those who are choosing me. It's OK to appreciate seeing the glimpse of the mountain, and it's OK to appreciate the time I am given with those I love.

It is OK.