Time for a bath

We are getting baptized tomorrow. Yes, I will be getting my hair wet in front of the whole church! I know that's not what it's about, but I have to admit, I have fretted over this fact. And, as I assured my husband, when God is ready to address my vanity, I feel certain He will catch my attention and I will feel compelled to reconsider my current stance on this very public exposure. I guess, to a certain extent, God is addressing my vanity as we speak. Tomorrow, I am laying aside my desire to keep up a polished, groomed, and dry physical appearance and am proudly proclaiming my love and adoration for Jesus and His presence, leadership, and power in my life.

I was baptized as a baby, and I know that my parents were committing at that moment to teach me about Jesus. I know the community of faith they belonged to also committed to serving and loving me as Christ's body. I believe my parents have done what they promised to do. I have been taught about Jesus, His love, His gift, His forgiveness, and His power. Being provided opportunities to experience various denominations, I have seen the spirit move in each and every congregation. We have experienced the love and support of Christ across denominational boundaries and feel blessed to know Christ through His followers. Tomorrow, we will be baptized at Pioneer Drive Baptist Church. Though baptism by immersion is a part of the process of becoming a member of the church, it is by no means the process by which we have become Christians. Colin, Julia, Chris and I will each be baptized as a living testament of our love and commitment to Jesus Christ. It has been important to me for my children to know that baptism is not an insurance policy you purchase to go to heaven.

I have appreciated the way the church, its staff, and the pastor has educated and informed us on the process and the meaning of baptism. I held reservations, and they were deeper than my resistance to getting my hair wet. To me, I felt like baptism, was testifying to a new found decision, acknowledgement, or commitment to following Jesus. To me, that would negate the lifetime of experiences (thus far) that God has led and directed me through. It would be as if they weren't legitimate in some way. But, I do know that is not what baptism represents, and I have been so thankful that people, including my family have been patient with me as I have come to understand and learn how God uses and blesses through baptism.

Even having realized this, I have had reservations, a heaviness. Couldn't put words to the feelings. Still not sure I can. But, I think, in my effort to connect with the experience we are going through tomorrow, the past which holds rich meaning, and the future unknowns, I will try. In my mind, baptism seems like a very vulnerable experience. In the past, I have stood in front of congregations holding babies, holding hands with children, singing in services or ceremonies; all very public moments. But, I have also felt very demoralized, abandoned, and judged by the audiences, the faith bodies where I shared and served. Before anybody gets up in arms about this statement, inferring I am meaning you have done something to injure me, I know what I felt may not have been intentioned, and I know my reality is not necessarily the truth. It is what I felt, it is my reality, and it is in no way a statement on the love or commitment of congregations of any church we have belonged. My feelings were what they were, and they are what they are. I own them and I accept that my experiences had more to do with my own actions than any one's actions toward me. As I said, I don't know if I can put words to what I feel.

I sang on Palm Sunday in front of our new congregation, and then again on Easter. It was a relief to experience these moments without the anxiety that had become the norm when I sang in worship services. But, when we moved to the front of the congregation to be welcomed after we moved forward in faith to join the church, I was so anxious. Hand me a baby, let me chat with some children, or sing a song, and I will happily take the mic right out of your hand. But, have me stand, vulnerable, transparent, with all my flaws and mistakes seemingly fully exposed, and I am not signing up for that. I don't want my actions to be used against me in the future. "You're a Christian, and you're doing that?" "I thought being a Christian meant you weren't going to do that anymore." Nor do I want to see Satan rear its ugly head at my family because we are living testimonies of Christ's love and forgiveness.

Fear would like to take hold and inhibit me from being...ME. I don't want to offend, be found guilty, do the wrong thing, or hurt others. So, I would like to avoid putting myself in vulnerable situations that sometimes prove to do all that I don't want to do. I hurt because I speak. I offend because I don't think. I am guilty because I am human. I do the wrong thing because I am a sinner. Being me is who God created me to be. It's not who I am, because sin and darkness are the reality I have been born into. But, with His forgiveness, His love, His acceptance, I will continue to learn more about myself through Him and through others who serve Him. This may sound lofty. Let me assure you, I am a sinner. I have made mistakes, hurt people, made bad decisions, gone through darkness (even after accepting Christ in my life, in fact, maybe within the past hour), and struggle with the nature of who I am. My anxiety is most attributable to the fact that I have sinned and I am afraid. But, tomorrow, I am confident that God will make our baptisms just what He wants them to be. He will be there. I will show up, and I will trust in His love, forever, and always.