I was wiped out yesterday. My legs finally revolted entirely and I was unable to move. Really glad I didn't feel this way on Sunday. I had so many things I wanted to get done. I did do some gardening, and reading of my new book. But, by noon, I couldn't move my legs anymore. Slept the next 4 hours off and on. I have such a hard time getting to sleep at night that I never understand how I can fall asleep so easily during the day. But, I am counting my blessings and am grateful that I was able to rest. The storms came and watered my newest plants, so God took care of everything that needed tended to today.

My emotions have felt a little tossed about over the past couple of days. Lots of change on the horizon gives me so much to be hopeful for, and yet so much to let go of and say goodbye to. I know there are friends that I will never say goodbye to, no matter where I am, ever. There is no distance too great that will disconnect us or keep us from caring for each other. There is a great deal of comfort in knowing that I am loved and accepted just as I am. My dear friends who have watched me move in and out of the scope of who I am and who I want to be will always love me. They have seen me at my best and at my worst, and they love me anyway. My heart breaks for the relationships that I will not have time or opportunity to mend. I do believe God can still work in the midst of all of our lives. So even though the opportunities may not be available during my time in this community, I can absolutely trust that He is in control. Trusting Him means that even though I am sad, I can hope for the time to come when all relationships are reconciled to Him and to each other.

I am thankful that God can handle my sadness and my frustration. He doesn't ridicule me or try to talk me out of how I feel. He doesn't make me feel guilty or shamed. He just loves me and allows me to bring who I am to Him. I am seeking to love authentically and sincerely. Unfortunately, honest communication is not received, accepted, desired, or appreciated. There is judgement which categorizes emotions, feelings, and thoughts as positive or negative, good or bad, right or wrong. Unfortunately, knowing this reality doesn't keep us from feeling one or the other. We are still subjected to the world's disappointments and the subsequent responses of fear, sadness, and emptiness.

So, what to do with these feelings that we know are not "acceptable"? Do we repress them? Do we deny feeling them? Do we pretend we don't know they are there? Do we project the emotions on to other people? Do we distract ourselves from the pain that evoke the negative emotions? Do we pray for God to take them far, far away? Do we loathe ourselves and those around us?

I guess I do a little bit of all those things and probably a few I don't even recognize. But, I am trying to respond a little differently. The truth is I do feel those negative emotions. I feel hurt, sad, angry, fearful, embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated, demeaned, humiliated, and a myriad of other feelings that are not acceptable or right. Luckily, I also feel joy, excitement, energy, happiness, freedom, thrill, and delight. What a wonderful gift that God allows us to feel the full range of emotions. My attempts to balance the range and vastness of these great gifts, we call emotions, may appear as if I am distancing myself from feeling anything. But, in reality, I want to observe and accept the feelings for what they are. Unfortunately, my natural inclination and desire to be connected and in relationship with others will challenge my attempt to deal with the feelings I am experiencing in a more objective, observant, and accepting way.

Relationships are the domain in which we are meant to grow in. Through relating to others, we learn more about ourselves, our world and our God. Unfortunately, I regret, in some relationships I may have taught jealousy, rage, frustration, and disappointment. Though I hate to admit this reality, I do so hoping that I can also accept that not all of the relationship's lessons were completely negative. We are all made with emotions, both good and bad. Even when I am at my best I will fall short of who I want to be and who God desires me to be. This is the essence of my humanity. But, there is grace in forgiveness. Though I may never know if forgiveness has been granted by those that I have hurt, I do know that I have to forgive myself. I also know that God has already forgiven me.

Since my dad has left us, I have had moments of great joy knowing that he is in heaven and he is whole, healthy, and at peace. I am so glad I got to reconcile with him while he was still alive. I know what great gifts I was given in both time and opportunity to process and accept my dad's passing. In the message shared at my dad's funeral in Indianapolis, the pastor spoke of the reality that death brings an end to opportunities. Once death takes the physical life of a person, you can no longer apologize, laugh, cry, forgive, or speak the language of reassurance that validates life and the relationship shared. This spoke profoundly to me.

How many words, feelings, thoughts are left unspoken and disregarded each day because we believe tomorrow will hold the moment we need to share. How many ends come far too soon, stealing the opportunity to speak lovingly and compassionately with those in our midst? How many lives are altered in the blink of an eye, taking the tomorrow away and leaving those unspoken, disregarded thoughts and feelings forever lost? Though I am clear minded and peaceful with my father not being in our everyday physical life, I am broken hearted for those relationships that remain broken. I know it is not time for me to act or speak. It isn't time for me to be a part of reconciling or reconnecting. Prayerfully, I seek the moment that I will be able to ask for forgiveness for the pain I have caused. I don't want the time to come when opportunity is passed by forever.

Random Ramblings

Still not completing thoughts enough to write about them, but did observe a few interesting things today.

1. I want a baseball coach. Colin played today, and I was inspired by his coaches and seriously wanted to hire them to walk through life with me. There were 4 guys who were totally attentive to every action, or inaction on the field. There was not a second that went by that a coach wasn't relaying imperative information to the boys on the field. "Lift your elbow." "Move to the left." "Move forward." "Move back." "Plays at first." "2 outs, run on anything." "Slide." "Run hard." "Go to 2nd." You get my point?

If I had a few coaches watching my action in the field, I think they would have a lot to yell about. "Stop talking." "Be quiet." "Relax!" "Listen." "Take a deep breath." "Quit it." "Really?" "Go to bed." "Get out of bed." "Let Go!" There is an endless list of commands that I can imagine the coaches sharing to help me stay in the game. They may even tell me to get out of the game and start a new one. But, we are not given 4 coaches to help us get through our life. Good thing we get Jesus!

2. Keeping a clean house makes me feel good. It isn't as if I want to obsess about it, but I do want to start keeping the house really clean; not just straightened up, but really clean. It feels productive and satisfying to walk through my house and see that things are put where the belong, (most of the time). However, I can't make my kids feel the same satisfaction. They do have to be responsible, and they have to do their share. But, I think I am done trying to convince them that they need to enjoy it or do it out of some sort of inner compulsion. We often have to do things that don't feel good and aren't motivated by an inner desires.

3. I want to move soon. It will be difficult, but it is time.

4. I wish I had a mat in my kitchen that was cushy under my feet. Maybe a whole kitchen floor that were easy on my feet and legs. It sounds ridiculous, but I can't tell you how limited I feel when I am cooking. My legs get so tired. Doesn't matter if I am barefoot or wearing shoes, my legs get so tired. I love cooking and I could spend hours at it. But, after a couple hours of working, my legs are so sore that I can't appreciate the joy that making the meal should create. But, it might just be one more indication that I should strive for balance. Rather than spending one or two days cooking for hours, I should spend an hour or so each day cooking. Such a struggle to balance life.

5. I have way too many shoes. I hate to admit this and I am praying my husband doesn't read this and know that I am openly admitting this truth. I love shoes. I have golf shoes because they were Nike, blue and white, looked trendy and to be honest I thought they were supposed to be walking or running in a rougher terrain. Do I ever run anywhere? NO. Do I walk as a sport? Not currently. And yet, when presented with a bargain, I convinced myself that I needed this pair of shoes. They are golf shoes, size 7, so if you are a golfer, I have a perfectly awesome pair of golf shoes that I shouldn't own and am willing to give away. But, shhhhhhh! I need all the other shoes that I own. The 2 hanging shoe holders, the 2 shelves with 25 cubbies in each one are filled with vitally important shoes that I can't live without. Those that are even remotely unneeded I will keep because, one day, I might need them. Or, maybe, there will be girls going to prom in 10 years that will want some totally awesome, barely worn shoes. It's possible.

Well, that is about all I have for today. Still wondering how to share about my experiences over the past few weeks; great times spent with family, sad times realizing that my dad isn't here anymore, thankful times for all the friends who have reached out to love me and my family, and so many more that I have yet to even categorize. So, until I can see my way through the variety of thoughts and recollections, I will focus and share about the here and now.

Writer's Block

I seem to be struggling with a bit of writer's block. I have a lot on my mind, but I am not able to put anything into a complete thought. Decided to take the pressure off. Most likely, I will not complete a thought in this blog. Rather, I will struggle to share a variety of disconnected thoughts that pass through my consciousness randomly keeping me from completing anything.

1.) I need to plant my geraniums. I am taking care of them adequately, but they really need to be planted so they can grow and thrive all summer long. First I am going to have to weed the bed that I am planting them in. Taking bets as to when this will happen. My bet is on Thursday. Hold me accountable, if you dare.

2.) My husband is working on Gilbert and Sullivan music for a concert in Canada this Saturday. The kids and I are staying home. He is working hard, and I am doing my best to stay calm about his busy summer schedule.

3.) It is storming out. I am glad Edward decided to come back and follow me into the house this evening. He may not know how lucky he is to not be outside, but I know how lucky I am that I don't have to deal with a wet, stinky cat in the morning.

4.) My house is clean. I mean, really clean. Not just superficially clean, but really clean. The refrigerator is cleaned out, scrubbed down, top to bottom. I sorted through shelves and stacks of papers that have been driving me crazy. Feels good.

5.) I forgot to put my pedometer back on this afternoon when I changed to go out. Therefore, the walking around College Square Mall, (is that its name), has not been computed into my daily record. I am certain it was at least 5,000 steps. I'm dumb.

6.) I am still thinking about my dad and how life will be different without him. My mom spent her first day at home alone. She is so brave. I wish she was closer. I wish I was wealthy so I could be with her without worrying or stressing about money or failing my obligations. So very thankful for her friends who are touching base with her and know how very special my dad was. Humbled. Their love and care towards my mother, and my whole family is so humbling. It reminds me of being in high school when families gathered around our family to love us, regardless of what was reality for us.

7.) I miss so many of my friends. Those who are far away, those who are nearby, those who have distanced themselves, and those I have distanced myself from, I miss you. You have loved me through my laughter and my tears. But, for whatever reason, you aren't able to love me now. I am sorry and so sad that I haven't been able to reconcile or connect to repair the damage. Realizing God has a plan and is in control does bring me comfort, but it doesn't keep me from praying that God won't work a miracle and mend the brokenness that I have caused.

8.) I am so grateful for the reconciliation between friendships that I thought were long gone or damaged beyond repair. He does love me and He is faithful and just. I also have a great appreciation for new friends who have come into my life to love me and mend my brokenness with their light and laughter. So thankful.

9. I love Jesus. As if this were not clear enough, I just want to add that He knows my weaknesses and my strengths. He knows where I have walked away from His light, and He has loved me and called me His own. The struggle to be who He made me to be continues to be a challenge. This world and the challenges that come with day to day living are impediments that I am ill equipped to maneuver at times. But Jesus loves me, even in my weakness and failure. He loves me and accepts me just as I am. That doesn't mean He endorses my poor behaviors or my inadequacies. But, I know that He loves me and will continue to call my name. Not just the way I call my children's' names when they are misbehaving, but like my dad said my name when he would kiss me goodnight. "Good night Rose." Nobody else said it like my dad did. Nobody else calls me "Rose". But I know that my Dads are in heaven together right now. They are saying, "Good night Rose. I love you." I love you, too. Thank you for being my dad. Thank you for loving me.

Dot to Dots

Remember dot to dots? You know, you started at 1, then followed the numbers in ascending order and when you got done connecting the numbers you had a picture? Not sure if that was a teaching device, or just something we got in the Jumbo Activity Books with the coloring pages. That's how my thoughts are moving this morning, like a big dot to dot. I feel them moving from one point to another, unfortunately, I am no closer to seeing what picture will be unveiled, nor can I look ahead to see how many more numbers I have to connect to reveal the picture.

There is no rhyme or reason right now to the order of my thoughts. They feel scattered, frayed, and very disorganized. One minute I am thinking about the details of getting my things together to fly home with my mom, then it goes to what was said to me during my dad's visitation, then to what will happen on Saturday at my dad's service in Indianapolis, then to my son's birthday today, and...you get the picture. It isn't so random or confusing that I can't function, but it is just enough so that I am praying the thoughts will simmer down so I don't get overwhelmed.

I suppose running on an hour or two of sleep doesn't help with my brain's function. Don't know why my mom and I were still up at 2:30am. She was doing laundry and I was writing thank you notes. But, still 2:30am? We both knew that we had to be ready to go to the airport at 6:30am. I guess when you have a big dot to dot project going on in your head it is hard to think about sleeping, or hard to stop thinking so sleep can settle into your body.

We will be flying into Indianapolis, then heading to Bloomington, IL to celebrate Colin's birthday. He is 11 years old today. So hard to believe that 11 years ago, at this very hour I was at the hospital in Johnson City, New York going through contractions and walking the halls waiting to deliver Colin. Calling Dr. Dale Fluegel's office to tell Carol and Elaine what I had not gotten done and had been planning to get done that day. I think I left 3 messages between the hours of 11pm and 5am as thoughts randomly came to me. My friend Kim LaGraff arrived at the hospital a few minutes after I delivered. Her son Cameron and she walked with me to the room where our family, with its new member, spent the first 48 hours of life together. My mom flew to be there with us. My sister-in-law Allison Moxey was there within hours of hearing the news. It was an exciting, scary, and remarkable moment in our lives.

So too do I find myself at another remarkable cross road. Though not adding to our family with a new member, we are adjusting to a change that is full of unknowns and untreaded territory. I feel no more equipped to walk this path as I did to begin the journey as a mother. Funny how two such contrasting moments can warrant such similar responses; fear, apprehension, ineptness, and confusion. The scene has changed but the view is equally unclear. I am afraid, but I am not without hope or comfort. Just as Colin brought unspeakable joy, hope and love into our lives 11 years ago, I know that my children, my family, and my friends will walk this path of uncertainty and challenges. Most importantly, I know that God gives me the great gifts that have so blessed my life. He gave me Colin, and He gave my dad back his health, his strength, and his voice. He didn't take my dad away from us. He gave our dad back to us as we need him to be. Though we will all miss his presence and we will struggle to see our future without him physically with us, I am confident that he is here.

I pray that my mom will feel his presence as she adapts to his absence. Knowing that her life partner is not here will be the most difficult part of this journey. It won't be difficult because my mom can't take care of herself. She has proved innumerable times how competent and able she is to provide for not just herself, but for her entire family. It will be difficult and painful for us because she is so deserving of companionship. She has provided that for her husband through the many phases of their life. Knowing that her home is now quiet may not give her the sense of calm and peace that one would imagine. But, I am more than confident that she will transition into this new phase with grace, dignity, and love. It is who she is and how she moves through life.

As you can see the thoughts continue to move from one dot to another. I have to go get ready to fly home. I have a bit of a headache and am tired. If I expected to complete the dot to dot project, I would be very disappointed at this moment. But, I have a feeling I won't know what picture will be revealed when the thoughts slow down or come to completion in this moment. So with that expectation lifted, I will go through the remainder of this day celebrating the varied thoughts that will occupy my heart and mind. It is a good thing that I don't have to know what the resulting picture will look like. I will let the thoughts come, and I will move from thought to thought trusting that the picture will be exactly as God has designed for me this day.

What a day

What a day! I am sitting in the Indianapolis airport watching a little girl dance while I listen to “I Could Sing of Your Love Forever” by Delirious. Hilarious. She has a cute little blond bob hair cut. She is standing by her mom and dad. What a crazy world. This little girl has no idea who her parents are or what they will give her in the years to come. Right now, they are the apple of their eye. She will always be the apple of their eye. That is something that never changes. No matter how old you get, you know that look.

When my kids walk into my room, or I walk into wherever they are, I fall in love all over again. It’s as if, no matter what has happened, or what will come, my heart melts when I see them. I can be hurting, broken, frustrated, or even, angry. It doesn’t really matter, when I catch their eye, I see them. I see them for who God made them, even though they are challenging and not at all way I am capable of caring for raising. Such an intense emotion this thing called “love” is. Even when I am so angry I can’t formulate words, I feel this unyielding feeling of gratefulness and admiration and awe of what God has given me.
So it must have been for my dad. I am sure we disgusted, frustrated, and utterly challenged in every way known to man. But there was something about the way he looked at us, especially as he got older, that wreaked of acceptance and love. I guess we had moved far enough away that he couldn’t see our everyday reality of inadequacy and humanness. I know there were times that he just wanted to scream or yell at us, as we were adults.

The only time I remember him in any way opposing or showing any overt frustration since I have been older was at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Colin was just a little over a year. The whole family was around the table. Colin was in a high chair, and he was not eating ALL of the food placed before him. It was dessert time, and Dad said he needed to finish eating before he could have dessert. I remember very clearly saying, “You have already screwed up one generation, I am in charge of screwing up this one. I get to decide about what happens for this little one.” By “screwing up”, I meant, raised and parented. Isn’t that what we all do? We screw up our kids. One way or another we find away to mess things up. Sometimes we screw them up in a gloriously spectacular, wonderful way. Other times we screw them up in awful ways. We don’t know what we are doing at the time. We all do the best we can. I am glad my dad and mom only screwed me up this much. I know that it could have been worse.

Well, the plane will be arriving soon. I wonder if my mom is sleeping. I know that she is in a whole different world. Everything has changed. I love my mom for who she was to my dad, and who she is to me and my siblings. She is remarkable. Nobody knew the story they would write, but it was beautiful. I am glad to be a part of it.

Happy May 5th

Just a quick blog about nothing really.

I am distracted with reading Huckleberry Finn for my Social Psychology class. Reading it and finding 25 Social Psychological themes that are played out in the story are do by Monday. So far the thought that has given me the most to think about was the discussion between Jim and Huck about speaking French. I don't know what Social Psychology mumbo jumbo I will highlight from the topic, but it was really interesting rationale.

Jim couldn't understand why people would think of speaking French. Conversation as I recall it, though not official quotes by any means:
Huck: Is a cow a pig? Or a pig a cow?
Jim: Of course not.
Huck: Does a cow oink, or a pig moo?
Jim: No.
Huck: Then why can't you understand that people would have different ways of communicating?
Jim: Is a french person a human?
Huck: Well of course.
Jim: Then why shouldn't he talk like the rest of us?

Now of course, I could have gotten the quotes and we could all discuss how the Southern language as spoken by Jim might as well have been French because it is so hard to translate. It is taking so much concentration, and I personally would rather be reading a psychology book.

But, the conversation does raise some interesting thoughts. Funny how humans do have so many different ways of expressing themselves, and often language is not the one that serves us best. In fact, I think it gets in the way of so many thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I think we would be better off if we mooed, or oinked instead of talked. Even amongst humans who share the same language, vocabulary, and dialect, we don't understand or accept what is being said. All of the undertones and nonverbal cues can be read and understood if it weren't for the language barriers that we present just by opening our mouths. I know I try to use language as a disguise or a tool to get what I want. But, there are times when I am saying one thing and thinking another. Sometimes, I don't even know this is the case at the moment.

I am so quick to give a response; verbal, written, or otherwise. I don't often consider what I really think before my mouth is opening and out comes a "mooooo" or an "oink" or even a "cock-a-doodle-doo". The words mean absolutely nothing and the only thing registering is the noise that comes in front of the joy, sadness, ridicule, complaint, enthusiasm, anger, frustration, or exhilaration. Doesn't matter what the words coming out of my mouth are, the tone and the body language are reading something entirely different. It is often out of my own ignorance or lack of awareness that I speak one thing and express something else. Trying to stop and wait for my words to align with my feelings is not an easy task. Some people might suffer from the opposite problem. Your feelings are right there and you are aware, but the words to not come quickly, and when they do come, they often don't fully represent the emotion that is felt. I guess it is the same problem, either way. Our words and our feelings are not coordinated. For those of us who use words too quickly, waiting for the words from our partner in a conversation can feel excruciating.

I begin wondering if the person heard me. Or maybe they heard and are so disgusted they can't say anything back. Maybe the person just doesn't care, so he just doesn't respond. Clearly, I know that people have different styles of communication and that I shouldn't be reading into silence anything more than the person coordinating thoughts and feelings. And yet, there I will stand wondering why I didn't get my opinion across or why the person doesn't care enough to respond. Silliness. If I would take more time with communicating and coordinating thoughts with words, I could save myself and those I love so much grief. Learning lessons don't get any easier as we get older.

What social psychological term might the above noted conversation exemplify? I will try to update the post when I figure it out. Feel free to chime in. Maybe it doesn't mean anything more than poor Jim was one of the originators of disgust towards Frenchman. What is the point in communicating with them? They don't really want to get to know us.

On that note, "Happy Cinco de Mayo", "Bon cinq de Mai", "Bueno Cinco de Maio". Or maybe it is better said, "Moooooooooooooooooo", "Quack, quack", "Oink, Oink". Enjoy the fun.