Writer's Block

I seem to be struggling with a bit of writer's block. I have a lot on my mind, but I am not able to put anything into a complete thought. Decided to take the pressure off. Most likely, I will not complete a thought in this blog. Rather, I will struggle to share a variety of disconnected thoughts that pass through my consciousness randomly keeping me from completing anything.

1.) I need to plant my geraniums. I am taking care of them adequately, but they really need to be planted so they can grow and thrive all summer long. First I am going to have to weed the bed that I am planting them in. Taking bets as to when this will happen. My bet is on Thursday. Hold me accountable, if you dare.

2.) My husband is working on Gilbert and Sullivan music for a concert in Canada this Saturday. The kids and I are staying home. He is working hard, and I am doing my best to stay calm about his busy summer schedule.

3.) It is storming out. I am glad Edward decided to come back and follow me into the house this evening. He may not know how lucky he is to not be outside, but I know how lucky I am that I don't have to deal with a wet, stinky cat in the morning.

4.) My house is clean. I mean, really clean. Not just superficially clean, but really clean. The refrigerator is cleaned out, scrubbed down, top to bottom. I sorted through shelves and stacks of papers that have been driving me crazy. Feels good.

5.) I forgot to put my pedometer back on this afternoon when I changed to go out. Therefore, the walking around College Square Mall, (is that its name), has not been computed into my daily record. I am certain it was at least 5,000 steps. I'm dumb.

6.) I am still thinking about my dad and how life will be different without him. My mom spent her first day at home alone. She is so brave. I wish she was closer. I wish I was wealthy so I could be with her without worrying or stressing about money or failing my obligations. So very thankful for her friends who are touching base with her and know how very special my dad was. Humbled. Their love and care towards my mother, and my whole family is so humbling. It reminds me of being in high school when families gathered around our family to love us, regardless of what was reality for us.

7.) I miss so many of my friends. Those who are far away, those who are nearby, those who have distanced themselves, and those I have distanced myself from, I miss you. You have loved me through my laughter and my tears. But, for whatever reason, you aren't able to love me now. I am sorry and so sad that I haven't been able to reconcile or connect to repair the damage. Realizing God has a plan and is in control does bring me comfort, but it doesn't keep me from praying that God won't work a miracle and mend the brokenness that I have caused.

8.) I am so grateful for the reconciliation between friendships that I thought were long gone or damaged beyond repair. He does love me and He is faithful and just. I also have a great appreciation for new friends who have come into my life to love me and mend my brokenness with their light and laughter. So thankful.

9. I love Jesus. As if this were not clear enough, I just want to add that He knows my weaknesses and my strengths. He knows where I have walked away from His light, and He has loved me and called me His own. The struggle to be who He made me to be continues to be a challenge. This world and the challenges that come with day to day living are impediments that I am ill equipped to maneuver at times. But Jesus loves me, even in my weakness and failure. He loves me and accepts me just as I am. That doesn't mean He endorses my poor behaviors or my inadequacies. But, I know that He loves me and will continue to call my name. Not just the way I call my children's' names when they are misbehaving, but like my dad said my name when he would kiss me goodnight. "Good night Rose." Nobody else said it like my dad did. Nobody else calls me "Rose". But I know that my Dads are in heaven together right now. They are saying, "Good night Rose. I love you." I love you, too. Thank you for being my dad. Thank you for loving me.