Dot to Dots

Remember dot to dots? You know, you started at 1, then followed the numbers in ascending order and when you got done connecting the numbers you had a picture? Not sure if that was a teaching device, or just something we got in the Jumbo Activity Books with the coloring pages. That's how my thoughts are moving this morning, like a big dot to dot. I feel them moving from one point to another, unfortunately, I am no closer to seeing what picture will be unveiled, nor can I look ahead to see how many more numbers I have to connect to reveal the picture.

There is no rhyme or reason right now to the order of my thoughts. They feel scattered, frayed, and very disorganized. One minute I am thinking about the details of getting my things together to fly home with my mom, then it goes to what was said to me during my dad's visitation, then to what will happen on Saturday at my dad's service in Indianapolis, then to my son's birthday today, and...you get the picture. It isn't so random or confusing that I can't function, but it is just enough so that I am praying the thoughts will simmer down so I don't get overwhelmed.

I suppose running on an hour or two of sleep doesn't help with my brain's function. Don't know why my mom and I were still up at 2:30am. She was doing laundry and I was writing thank you notes. But, still 2:30am? We both knew that we had to be ready to go to the airport at 6:30am. I guess when you have a big dot to dot project going on in your head it is hard to think about sleeping, or hard to stop thinking so sleep can settle into your body.

We will be flying into Indianapolis, then heading to Bloomington, IL to celebrate Colin's birthday. He is 11 years old today. So hard to believe that 11 years ago, at this very hour I was at the hospital in Johnson City, New York going through contractions and walking the halls waiting to deliver Colin. Calling Dr. Dale Fluegel's office to tell Carol and Elaine what I had not gotten done and had been planning to get done that day. I think I left 3 messages between the hours of 11pm and 5am as thoughts randomly came to me. My friend Kim LaGraff arrived at the hospital a few minutes after I delivered. Her son Cameron and she walked with me to the room where our family, with its new member, spent the first 48 hours of life together. My mom flew to be there with us. My sister-in-law Allison Moxey was there within hours of hearing the news. It was an exciting, scary, and remarkable moment in our lives.

So too do I find myself at another remarkable cross road. Though not adding to our family with a new member, we are adjusting to a change that is full of unknowns and untreaded territory. I feel no more equipped to walk this path as I did to begin the journey as a mother. Funny how two such contrasting moments can warrant such similar responses; fear, apprehension, ineptness, and confusion. The scene has changed but the view is equally unclear. I am afraid, but I am not without hope or comfort. Just as Colin brought unspeakable joy, hope and love into our lives 11 years ago, I know that my children, my family, and my friends will walk this path of uncertainty and challenges. Most importantly, I know that God gives me the great gifts that have so blessed my life. He gave me Colin, and He gave my dad back his health, his strength, and his voice. He didn't take my dad away from us. He gave our dad back to us as we need him to be. Though we will all miss his presence and we will struggle to see our future without him physically with us, I am confident that he is here.

I pray that my mom will feel his presence as she adapts to his absence. Knowing that her life partner is not here will be the most difficult part of this journey. It won't be difficult because my mom can't take care of herself. She has proved innumerable times how competent and able she is to provide for not just herself, but for her entire family. It will be difficult and painful for us because she is so deserving of companionship. She has provided that for her husband through the many phases of their life. Knowing that her home is now quiet may not give her the sense of calm and peace that one would imagine. But, I am more than confident that she will transition into this new phase with grace, dignity, and love. It is who she is and how she moves through life.

As you can see the thoughts continue to move from one dot to another. I have to go get ready to fly home. I have a bit of a headache and am tired. If I expected to complete the dot to dot project, I would be very disappointed at this moment. But, I have a feeling I won't know what picture will be revealed when the thoughts slow down or come to completion in this moment. So with that expectation lifted, I will go through the remainder of this day celebrating the varied thoughts that will occupy my heart and mind. It is a good thing that I don't have to know what the resulting picture will look like. I will let the thoughts come, and I will move from thought to thought trusting that the picture will be exactly as God has designed for me this day.