Joy in the morning

Just a quick note to pour out a bit of the thoughts that are rambling through my brain. It's been so good being with my mom. I enjoy hearing about her days, her job, and her hopes for the future. There are glimpses of her heart that make me want to cry as she shares the sadness of being without my dad. It hasn't become real to us as we didn't get to see him too frequently. We know he isn't here, but we haven't felt the loss because our daily life hasn't been too disrupted. It seems a bit unfair that my mom should carry the burden of this loss all on her own. But, none of us can bring him back, and none of us can fill the hole that has been left.

I wonder how it came to pass that we stopped being a part of my dad's everyday life. It seems like a natural progression, but now it doesn't seem right. There have been many people who were part of my everyday interactions. Some were there for only a short time, and others were by my side everyday. Even when I didn't get to see them, or talk to them, they were with me. Friends, co-workers, family, and even the Starbucks worker at the corner shared in my everyday activities. I think my dad was still a part of each day. I talk to my mom almost everyday. He must have heard about what was going on with all of his children. We all knew a little of what was going on with him. My parents didn't want to share the intensity of the illness and how it had stolen so much of who my father was. He has been a part of each season of my life, and he still is.

Now, my family, (Chris, Colin, Julia, and I) are trying to create connections to our new life here in Abilene. There are still many friends and family members who are still a part of our everyday. My heart breaks for several relationships that have already seemed to lose relevance, simply because we left. I knew it would happen, but I am surprised by many of the losses. Life does continue to move forward, doesn't it? And, as much as we want to hold tight to people and relationships that have meant so much, it is inevitable that some will fall away out of sheer lack of proximity. Of course, the realization doesn't ease the pain. I don't miss these people less because I understand the reasons why. There are several that I still don't understand, and I guess the pain intensifies knowing that I can't articulate why our friendship was lost.

Having my mom come to visit means so much. She has caught a glimpse of where we are and how we live. She now knows the grocery store, the coffee shop, the gas station, the restaurants, my bedroom, my kitchen, and my backyard. When I share, she will know many of the places and people that I refer to. I know not everyone will be able to see this time in my life. We are meant to go forward through this season clinging to one another, our family. It is good. But, I would be lying, hiding, and denying all that I am to not admit to the sadness and pain of not having my friends and family intricately involved in our life right now. I am catching glimpses of my friends' lives and loves, but I don't get to be a part of where they are and who they are becoming.

My mom will leave the day after tomorrow. We have both begun crying about that reality. I don't want her to go. I know it is selfish of me. It is hard letting go, and I simply don't want to have to let go of anything else. I will, and I will be fine. She will be fine. We will be fine. I know this and I am thankful that I have friends who will remind me of this truth when I forget. My dad's birthday is Friday. Sara's birthday is Friday. It is hard knowing the emptiness left in the lives of those who will forever grieve the loss of these people. It is hard knowing the pain of all those who have lost loved ones. I won't linger long on this because it is simply too painful. It literally hurts to know that these people aren't in this world anymore. But, I have hope unending that I will, we will, see our loved ones again.

I know I will see them, so I have security and comfort. As I write this, I believe that I have to take that hope, that assurance into my daily walk. I have to trust that God will give us joy in the morning even as we don't know what the morning will hold. It is vital that I live in this truth. I was going to say, "I don't have the same certainty for those of us who continue to walk in this world". But, as soon as that thought came into my mind, I realized, that is so not true. I do have certainty that I can claim. Joy will be in the morning, regardless of what the day brings. I will be with my dad, with my friends, with my family. I want to share this hope with those who don't know a loving God who does bring joy. I haven't done it all right. In fact, I have done very little right. But, my God, your God, still loves me (and you) and accepts us despite our inabilities and failures. There will be joy in the morning because I will forever have forgiveness and love in the sight of my Father. So, I will be sad, lonely, and broken tonight. He is with me in this moment. And, you too, can be broken and hurting right here and now. Confused, deranged, deluded, lost, sinking, stubborn, inconsolable, and hopeless are not places that God ignores or detours. He will be with us in these broken places, and He will endure the darkness with us. In the morning, if nobody else is there and/or if everyone has run to your side, He will be there. Thank you Jesus!