This, I believe...

It has been 3 months exactly since we drove away from our home and friends in Bloomington/Normal Illinois. 3 months doesn't seem like that long ago, but a whole new life has begun in that time. We are the same people we were, and yet we are very different. Our voices, laughs, cries, sighs, coughs, and tones are the same. I wish we could say we looked dramatically different, and though I have lost 20 pounds, I am still the same me. Julia's hair is longer. My hair is shorter. Chris' hair is grayer, and Colin is slightly taller. So what is different?

Our surroundings are different. The sun shines a lot. Today, there were thunderstorms, and I promise you, I haven't heard thunder as loud as I did this morning. The clouds are cottony, wispy, fluffy, patchy, just extraordinarily beautiful. I have new jobs with new friends, students, and places where I belong. We have a different church body with whom to worship. The environment has changed, and we are seeing signs of change within.

I had hoped that this new environment would alter the makeup of who I was, therefore, altering my behaviors. Though this fresh start, new community, and exciting opportunity provides unlimited potential, it doesn't rewrite the past, and it doesn't write the future. It does give me a here and now full of choices. Choosing to ignore or deny my past is a choice. Pretending that I am not a compilation of my past choices and circumstances doesn't mean it's true. However, walking in the shame and disappointment of mistakes made isn't an accurate presentation of who I am either. So, I must choose to recognize my past and the decisions that negatively (and positively) made me into the person I am today. Even those decisions that are viewed by others as bad, or wrong, have given me insight; opportunities to grow, and benefits that only my God and I can incorporate into my life.

I wish a fresh start wiped away the pain and shame of the past. I have to continually acknowledge the renewing, cleansing, and abundant forgiveness and love of Christ. Each day, I beg God to bridge the past with the present. Though the pain I caused was unintentional, the brokenness and sadness I feel threatens the reality of goodness that God would like to live through me. Reconciliation is a two way street. I can not force or shove my way back into lives of those I have hurt. I can live today, this moment with the love and newness of who I am as a result of God's sacrificial love, and His unlimited forgiveness. That acknowledgement means my choices and behaviors will be different. If only it were true that changing addresses, states, jobs, friends, or environments could represent a heart change. How great it would be to draw those long lost friends and heart connected relationships closer to me even though I am farther away? But, no, it doesn't look like that. It isn't the change of external factors in our environment that represent our inner hearts. It is the life actions, the heart's convictions and the corresponding behaviors that signify change.

It has been difficult for me to recognize that my inaction will represent the change that God is making in my life. It is waiting and praying for God's work in relationships instead of me taking control and dictating. It is me fighting my urges to reach out and justify who I am in hopes of forgiveness. That may not be the case for you. God may encourage you to take an action, a stand, a trusting step outside of your comfort zone to signify the change in your heart. Whatever God is doing in your heart, please know that it is His joy and glory which he wants to reflect in you. Whatever choices were made in the past, whatever brokenness is represented in your here and now, are all reconcilable with God's power and goodness. May your choices, and my choices reflect the One who forgives and loves beyond our comprehension and ability. I believe in the abundant hope He offers to reconcile the brokenness in this world, and that I will be an heir to His goodness all the days of my life.

This, I believe.

This, I believe...

I believe that children are our future. Treat them well, and let them lead the way. Let them know the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier. Let the children's laughter, remind us how it used to be.

I am mildly impressed with myself that I remembered these lyrics off the top of my head. (Oh, Whitney Houston, I am sorry that it's been hard for you the past few years.)They not be correct, but I am faking knowing what I am doing these days, so I am not going to double check it. I do tend to believe with the lyrics. Anyone who knows me would have to guess that there would be a "This, I believe..." blog dedicated to kids. I do love them. Not going to lie. Can't deny it. There is a magnet in my heart that draws me to children. I would like to believe they are drawn to me, but sometimes I pounce on them before they have a chance to acknowledge their natural inclinations. That being said, I do think there is an unspoken communication that I share with children. It happens at the mall, at the grocery store, at the preschool, even when driving in the car. If a child and I catch each other's eyes, we lock in, and love each other, for just a moment. These are some of the most gratifying moments of my days.

I am not the sole proprietor of this unspoken language. I know many people who have the magnet that attracts children to them. I haven't decided if kids do this with everyone, and only a few communicate back. Or, is it that only a few adults stop to really see a child? Either way, it is a moment of pure delight and amazement. The connection of being seen and of seeing. I have to remind myself that we are all children, and are worthy and deserving of being seen. There are times when this unspoken language, this connection, transcends age. Older adults, who have seen the passage of time in all its ugliness and joy, they see like a child too. They know that what is before them is an opportunity that is fleeting.

Sometimes, I am so worried about what is to come and what has been, that I forget what is right here. I forget to stop and look into the eyes of the person right in front of me. I am worried that they will see who I truly am, I guess. Or, maybe I am afraid they will see who I was. Maybe, I am afraid that who I am becoming won't be enough or sufficient. For whatever reason, I divert my attention away from what is right in front of me, and I hide from myself and from those in front of me. Children, they don't avoid the present. They are fully engaged in the here, and the now. They want all that life has to offer, and often time so much more. It is a privilege to be intertwined with children because they represent the value and the importance of now. They bring you into the moment by the nature of their being incapable of moving forward without your attention and dedication.

So, too, I find older adults have the ability to live in the moment and appreciate the present in a way that I struggle to grasp. Perhaps it is because they have walked in my shoes and know that moments they let pass them by. Maybe, they recognize they can't go back, and they don't want to go forward without being seen. So they stand, fully present, hand outstretched, grasping my hand. They share the joy or the pain of this moment. In the moment, they validate the present and recognize the value of being right where they are, while they are there. I was at a prayer meeting service the other night and was able to see the faces of those who have come before me, being fully present in prayer for the here and now. It was a humbling experience. To know, these very people struggled with paying bills; raising kids; juggling family life, education, and work; and they were willing to pray for me and for the children who stood before them singing.

I tend to say that I remember kids' names very easily; but grown-ups, not so much. Once they are taller than me, I tend to forget very quickly. I will be praying for that to change. I want to validate each child; and we are all just children. We deserve to be seen, heard, and recognized for our unique abilities. I am thankful for the reminder I see in the eyes of those I meet and who catch my attention and glance for even a brief moment. Some have no idea the path ahead will lead them into places they never imagined and will be fearful to go. Some have seen the passing of time and are willing to pause briefly to shake a hand and nod in recognition of the present moment that brought us together. And, then there are you and I. We will struggle to stop, to glance, to stare into the eyes of those around us. Out of fear, misunderstanding, denial, and lack of awareness we will divert our attention elsewhere and avoid the moment at hand. But, be sure, there will be those moments that confront us with reality, truth and blessings that we can not deflect. We will stare into the eyes of a child, a friend, a co-worker, a parent, a grandparent, a clerk, a bagger, a teacher, a sister, or a brother, and we will be fully present to receive the validation of being seen.

This, I believe.

This, I believe

This, I believe.

Not sure if I have one overarching philosophy, truth or thought that concisely represents what I believe. I know if the phrase were, "These, I believe", I would have no problem coming up with an entire book. In an effort to critically analyze my belief system, I will be blogging a series on the topic. Some beliefs may be just an opinion that is not based on anything other than my own belief in its importance. Other beliefs will undoubtedly be based on experience, teachings, and the moral compass from which I was raised. Feel free to comment with your own thoughts and beliefs. As they are only "MY" beliefs, I am sure you restrain from condemning or criticizing. But, healthy debate and challenges are encouraged and welcomed.

Though this initial belief is trivial in nature, I offer it in good fun and believe it may inspire a rousing discussion which will be much appreciated.

Cinnamon dolce lattes from Starbucks are the best. This is an opinion, so some may debate its categorization of a belief. But, since I have challenged the legitimacy of this statement, by testing and retesting, not only other starbucks lattes, but other cinnamon dolce lattes at other establishments; it retains its categorization as a belief and not just opinion. Of course, others, not preferring the taste of cinnamon, will vehemently disagree with this statement. That is the prerogative of each latte drinker.

I have experienced the "seasonal" flavors, and the tried and true "standard" flavors. The Pumpkin Spice Latte has a strong following, and was briefly considered to be a frontrunner in my pursuit of the best latte . It smells delicious; evoking memories of holiday delights from long forgotten times. This is a unique drink combination. It touches the senses and causes recall of special times with family and friends. The Candy Cane Latte is equally satisfying for the same reason. Perhaps the greatest contender against my belief in Cinnamon Dolce Latte's superiority is the White Chocolate Mocha Latte from The Coffee Hound in Bloomington/Normal, Illinois. The unique presentation with the swirling of white and dark chocolate atop the frothy concoction makes it as visually appealing as it is flavorful. But, taste tests conducted by, yours truly, have confirmed that Starbuck's Cinnamon Dolce Latte surpasses rivals in its smoothness, lightness, and overall flavor.

Though this realization as a "truth" in my life may seem insignificant, I challenge you to ask a similar question in your own life. What do you believe? In the small, insignificant matters of coffee, chocolate, and cheeses, where do you stand? Have you taken the time to discern your tastes and challenge your long held traditions and beliefs? Tastes change, and you may have to re access your commitment to current truths and beliefs. Who knows, maybe a year from now I will find an entirely new latte that surpasses the Cinnamon Dolce Latte's relevance and satisfaction level in my life. As I continue to journey forward exploring my beliefs, maybe I will move this thought on lattes to an opinion of relatively little impact on my life. But, maybe, taking the time to be fully involved in the decisions over lattes, I will realize how to take each moment and become involved. What do I believe? Why do I believe? How can I live out my beliefs? For today, I will start by going to Starbucks and purchasing a Cinnamon Dolce Latte, the best latte. This, I believe.

Just because...part 2 (Will you love me if...?)

Will you love me if...

I tell a lie?
I drink too much?
I sing too loud?
I say the wrong thing?
I don't get A's?
I get fat?
I have a pimple?
I fail to get the job?
I flunk a class?
I miss my bus?
I get a speeding ticket?
I cheat?
I burn the toast?
I sleep through the alarm?
I am a bad friend?
I get angry?
I don't laugh at your joke?
I disappoint you?
I can't get out of bed?
I lose my job?
I forget who you are?
I lose sight of who I am?
I pretend I am something I am not?
I am not what you need?
I ignore the signs?
I fall asleep?
I don't do it right?
I fail?
I lose my temper?
I need more?
I want less?
I dream big?
I cry?
I wish for change?
I make mistakes?
I go the wrong way?
I get lost?

How can you? Why would you? Why should you? I don't have the answers. I imagine my children, my husband, my sister, my brothers, my nieces, my nephews, my aunts, my uncles, my grandpa, my mom and my friends (both young and old) asking these questions, and I don't know my response. I know based on experience that some can't love under these circumstances. And, I understand that choice. They know there are lines that can't be crossed, rules that can't be broken. They have a moral compass that steers them in a direction that enables them to know the answers to these questions without doubt. Though I don't know the answers I would decide. I do know, without a doubt, without a question, what God's answer is.

"Yes, yes, yes, Rosie. I will love you...I will love you, no matter what, even if, and just because. Just because I made you, just because you are mine, I will love you. I will love you, and I will take your hand when no one else can or will. I will pursue you, and I will provide for you everything you need. You will always make mistakes, fail, turn the wrong way. But, you will never be unlovable or unreachable. I will love you enough for you to love others. I will forgive you for the unforgivable, and I will restore you. I will be your heart, when yours is broken. This is not a blank check for you to do your will. It is not an endorsement for you to sin and disregard my dreams for you. It is an endorsement for you to live, to grow, to serve, to feel, to dream, to try. And, in trying, you will fail. I give you permission to make mistakes and to keep trying. You have my permission to love others and to answer their questions with , "Yes, I will."

Just because...Part 1

Sometimes I like to believe that I have value and worth because I have worked hard. I have earned 3 degrees, studied a lot, earned money (and spent money which explains why we have no money), gotten married, had 2 children, and enjoyed the blessings of family and friends. I really have worked hard. I've invested time, energy, and money to acquire education, build talents, and prove worth. I have to admit that I have expected others to prove their worth as well. I know I am not supposed to expect of others. It usually leads to disappointment. Not because there is anything wrong with others, but usually my expectations don't line up with their own expectations of themselves.

I am ashamed at this moment to admit that I expect others to prove their worth. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I find myself ranking the worth of others based on what they have accomplished or what they can do, their natural gifts and abilities. I will give credit to one who tries hard, gives their best. I find value in that; sometimes more value in the effort than in somebody with natural talents who don't use them. Hypocrite, that is what I am. I try to fight the inclinations to pass judgement on others and their worth. But more often than not, I reinforce this inclination through my actions, words, and inner thoughts.

For instance, my children, I want them to be productive, caring, and joyful people. Thoug will love them not matter what..., and even if...; I wonder if I share that message through my words and deeds. Do I ask them more about their productivity through the day? Do I ask them what they accomplished? Do I ask them who they talked to and how they got along with them? I ask them all of these things. I show approval or disapproval based on their responses. If they did well on their test, if they got a solo, if they sat at lunch with their friends, or they showed appreciation to their family and friends; I will heap praise and accolades to affirm they have done well and I value their choices.

But, am I not a hypocrite? I say that I love them no matter what..., even if..., and just because. But, I don't heap the praise and acceptance unless they have done what I want them to do. Please know it is not my intention to affirm only those behaviors of which I approve. It is against my natural inclinations to affirm poor habits, bad behavior, or misaligned motives. How can I show them, even if they don't do it my way, that I will love them? I want to show them acceptance without validating ill-advised, unproductive, and harmful decisions. My parents somehow got that message through to me. I never felt like they loved me because I did or didn't do something in particular. However, I did feel like I wanted to do my best, I wanted to prove myself to them, to my family, to my friends. In accomplishment, I could prove my value, my worth.