It has been 3 months exactly since we drove away from our home and friends in Bloomington/Normal Illinois. 3 months doesn't seem like that long ago, but a whole new life has begun in that time. We are the same people we were, and yet we are very different. Our voices, laughs, cries, sighs, coughs, and tones are the same. I wish we could say we looked dramatically different, and though I have lost 20 pounds, I am still the same me. Julia's hair is longer. My hair is shorter. Chris' hair is grayer, and Colin is slightly taller. So what is different?
Our surroundings are different. The sun shines a lot. Today, there were thunderstorms, and I promise you, I haven't heard thunder as loud as I did this morning. The clouds are cottony, wispy, fluffy, patchy, just extraordinarily beautiful. I have new jobs with new friends, students, and places where I belong. We have a different church body with whom to worship. The environment has changed, and we are seeing signs of change within.
I had hoped that this new environment would alter the makeup of who I was, therefore, altering my behaviors. Though this fresh start, new community, and exciting opportunity provides unlimited potential, it doesn't rewrite the past, and it doesn't write the future. It does give me a here and now full of choices. Choosing to ignore or deny my past is a choice. Pretending that I am not a compilation of my past choices and circumstances doesn't mean it's true. However, walking in the shame and disappointment of mistakes made isn't an accurate presentation of who I am either. So, I must choose to recognize my past and the decisions that negatively (and positively) made me into the person I am today. Even those decisions that are viewed by others as bad, or wrong, have given me insight; opportunities to grow, and benefits that only my God and I can incorporate into my life.
I wish a fresh start wiped away the pain and shame of the past. I have to continually acknowledge the renewing, cleansing, and abundant forgiveness and love of Christ. Each day, I beg God to bridge the past with the present. Though the pain I caused was unintentional, the brokenness and sadness I feel threatens the reality of goodness that God would like to live through me. Reconciliation is a two way street. I can not force or shove my way back into lives of those I have hurt. I can live today, this moment with the love and newness of who I am as a result of God's sacrificial love, and His unlimited forgiveness. That acknowledgement means my choices and behaviors will be different. If only it were true that changing addresses, states, jobs, friends, or environments could represent a heart change. How great it would be to draw those long lost friends and heart connected relationships closer to me even though I am farther away? But, no, it doesn't look like that. It isn't the change of external factors in our environment that represent our inner hearts. It is the life actions, the heart's convictions and the corresponding behaviors that signify change.
It has been difficult for me to recognize that my inaction will represent the change that God is making in my life. It is waiting and praying for God's work in relationships instead of me taking control and dictating. It is me fighting my urges to reach out and justify who I am in hopes of forgiveness. That may not be the case for you. God may encourage you to take an action, a stand, a trusting step outside of your comfort zone to signify the change in your heart. Whatever God is doing in your heart, please know that it is His joy and glory which he wants to reflect in you. Whatever choices were made in the past, whatever brokenness is represented in your here and now, are all reconcilable with God's power and goodness. May your choices, and my choices reflect the One who forgives and loves beyond our comprehension and ability. I believe in the abundant hope He offers to reconcile the brokenness in this world, and that I will be an heir to His goodness all the days of my life.
This, I believe.
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