La, la, la, la, la...

I have typed 2 blogs in the past 2 days. Each one I left incomplete, and then I shut my computer down and they were lost. I imagine they were not been to be in print, but I am frustrated that I didn't save them. So, I will start fresh, with a new thought, a new question with which to grapple.

Ummmmm...I got nothin'.

Really, absolutely nothing. Sometimes I have so many thoughts running through my head that I can't keep them straight or make any sense of them. But, today, nothing. The lyrics from "Anything You Can Do" from Annie Get Your Gun have run through my head non-stop as I was performing at a fundraiser with the Awesome Heather Baker this evening. Despite the fact that the lyrics ran through my head, unceasingly, I still was able to mutilate the song with random brain freezes and lack of focus. Now that the performance is over, I have nothing. Well, I do keep replaying the mistakes in my head. Why did I not sing, "I tell you, Yes, Yes, Yes, I can."? From that moment on, I felt completely dazed. The mistakes we make in one moment; whether observed, acknowledged, or criticized by others, have the potential of distracting and debilitating interaction with the here and now.

Even when I am able to forgive myself for not doing things right; saying words that build instead of break, giving looks that scare and instead of steady; I find my thoughts lingering in the past, giving credence to the ugliness that I desperately want transformed into beauty. Grace so freely and abundantly offered to me through the generosity of dear friends, the love of my family, and the omnipotence of God, can be rejected and rebuked in the blink of an eye.

Sometimes, when I blink, I am able to stay off the backtracking that leads me into paths of destruction of my ego and identity. My identity is built on the love and manifestation of God in me. I know His love, His grace, His hope, and His truth. Each abides within, and each stands guard against the darkness. Sometimes, however, it's easier to open the door and let the sadness and fear wander the halls of my soul. Do you ever feel like that? It shouldn't be easier to live in the brokenness of the past. But, it's what I know. In order to let God reside and reign in my heart and mind, I have to intentionally resign the control to Him. That's what takes the energy, that is the hard part.

For not having any thoughts going through my mind, I sure got heavy there. I am disappointed I made mistakes when I was singing tonight. I am disappointed and sorry I have caused pain, sadness, and distance in some relationships in my life. Each day that passes I have to choose to give God control. Not only do I have to give Him control over my here and now, but of my past, and of my future. So, here's my vow...I will practice harder, and be more focused the next time I stand in front of anyone to sing. I will also thank God for residing in my heart and always seeking me out, no matter where I am in my mind. He always opens the door when I knock. He always forgives, always accepts, and always loves. ALWAYS!