Loss

Today's thanksgiving offerings were sponsored by the letter "L". So many great and wonderful things I appreciate start with the letter "L". I pondered and contemplated contributing the word "Loss" to the list, but couldn't bring myself to add it. It's hard to be grateful for something that perpetrates such intense pain and suffering.

Somethings we celebrate losing. Weight would be a great thing to lose. Losing a dress size, losing a tooth (depending on the reliability of the tooth fairy)are other beneficial losses. However, some losses don't reap such positive results. From personal experience, I can attest to the fact that losing my "cool", my "temper"...not so good. Losing sanity, losing control, losing a softball game, losing a contest, losing a deal; these losses are negative. Though unpleasant, they are generally temporary, painless, and short-term. But, we all know the kind of losses that break hearts, last forever, and leave scars that are anything but short-term.

The loss of family and friends; through death, separation, or circumstances stings and destroys. Though the initial pain of loss leaves an indelible mark on the soul; it's the continued infliction of pain from realizing lost moments, experiences, and realities that hinder the wound from healing. Even as time goes on, and distance separates the living from the lost; a remembrance, a glimpse, a recollection, an inopportune trigger can flood the senses with the pain and suffering all over again. One would think with scar tissue building around the brokenness in the soul, the pain would diminish, the hurt would be less intense. Unfortunately, I have yet to experience that.

My heart breaks for my mom, my friends, my siblings, and my family who will feel the sting of loss triggered by the unrealized moments of this holiday season. I want to make it feel better, to feel easier, and less intense for those I love. But, I too, find my heart struggling to come to grips losses. When I step into that place, where my mind ponders the "what ifs...", I am lost too. Loss visits and takes me on a journey away from where I am. Sometimes, this is a welcome vacation. I know that sounds selfish. I have been given great gifts for which I am very thankful. There is no reason to wander from my present into the world of unknown "what ifs...". But, often times, it's not the unrealized moments that we visit. Loss and I revisit the past experiences that shaped my heart and made me who I am.

I can feel the warmth of looking into the eyes of my dad and knowing that he sacrificed, struggled, and even made terribly stupid decisions on behalf of our family. It feels good to remember the moments of laughter and great joy experienced with a friend with whom I no longer get to share. There is unexpected refreshment that comes from abiding in the places in my heart that are safe, known, and full of life; even if it is the life that is lost. But, the times when loss visits and takes me into the painful regions of the unknown, I feel the wounds bleed. Scabs are cracked and the tender areas of my soul break open. There, loss and I grapple with one another in an effort to stop the pain and bleeding.

I wish I knew how to protect my friends and family from loss. I wish I knew the direction to journey to bring healing and respite from the suffering. I wish I knew how to keep my own heart and mind from walking into the darkness with loss. Avoidance doesn't seem to be the answer. So, I will pray the moments that come, with its triggers that threaten to open the fresh wounds, and the scar tissue of old wounds, will offer some unexpected joy or peace. I suppose that is the gift that "loss" can offer. It allows our hearts to relive the moments that have shaped us, even as we experience the pain of not getting to know of what could have been for those we love and for ourselves. Even as loss steals the potential of relationships and experiences, it can never take who we are because of who God shared with us. I pray living in thanks for the lives that crossed our paths and left light and love will strengthen the muscles of our heart and mind to endure the pain that comes with living in the "here and now"; with all its unexpected triggers that lead to journeys with loss that will continue to open wounds.

Dear friend, my prayer for us today is that the God whose strength and comfort surpasses our understanding and comprehension will abide so fully in our hearts that the pain of loss will bring forth tears of joy as we remember those who so enriched our lives. May the tears that fall fresh, nurture our soul with healing memories and unexpected joys only offered through the remembrance of love shared through moments with our loved ones. May the God of hope open our eyes to see the blessings that can never be stolen or lost. I trust that You, O Lord, will give to each of us the very portion needed to soothe our broken hearts and strengthen our souls for the moments to come. I thank you in advance for the moments that are yet to come when we will experience Your great goodness through our loss. Thank you Jesus.