Tough to explain

I am so glad my mom is here. We had a safe, mildly stressful journey. The stress was luckily not with each other, but just with mild external stressors that can't be avoided. Truck is now unpacked. We will do lots of unpacking tomorrow. Looking forward to getting Christmas decorations up.

Keeping this as short as I can given I am exhausted. I have my dad's pillow on my bed now. I have his hand made outdoor plant stand and tv stand. And, I have his wife, my mom. I have always had her, but now, I don't have him. We have reminders of his life, but we don't have him. Because my mom and dad haven't lived near me for the past 19 years, his absence was not realized in my day to day existence. But, now, it seems so much more real. I touched the places that he touched, and now, I have the reminder of who he is in the tangible presence of my mother and his things.

I will be taking time to come to grips with his loss in a way that I haven't been faced with before. In this loss, I am reminded of many other losses, both in the distant and more recent past. I miss my friends, my family, and the security of what I knew. Don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for the blessings of this new home, and the love I feel so strongly from my friends and the people who have so generously accepted me. I grieve the lost relationships and connections that existed before I moved. Most recently, I experienced a brokenness in a relationship that forced me to realize, again, nothing is certain. Sometimes relationships serve a purpose temporarily, and once the need has passed, the friendship is over. Sometimes, relationships run a course, and then their purpose changes. Sometimes, the pain perpetrated between two people can be so intense that the the brokenness is irreparable.

The comfort tonight is there is redemption and reconciliation in God's time. I have been witness to this great blessing, so I will trust and believe in this hope. If not in this lifetime, in the life to come. Tonight, I will rest knowing that my mom is close and that hasn't been a privilege I have been able to experience in almost 20 years. She is a comfort and I am blessed to be given this gift.