Hello, can somebody flip the switch? It's dark in here.

Live each season as it passed, breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. Henry David Thoreau

As it is the last day of the year, I seem somewhat compelled to remark on the past year and the upcoming year. "Somewhat" being the operative word. I want to be able to paint a beautiful picture of this past year; what I learned, how I grew, the joy and the excitement. I want to be able to dream a beautiful picture of what the next year holds for myself and my family and friends. I experienced some really great moments and I confidently trust that there will be many more in 2010. What I most am thinking about on this final day of 2009 is what I learned about myself and the influences that have impacted me.

I am ashamed to admit to some of the moments of 2009. Selfishly, I like to believe that I don't have to incorporate them into my character or even remember them. I found myself in a very deep, dark, dismal place. So dark that I couldn't remember what light looked like. So dark that I didn't know if there was any way out of the hole. Sometimes it would be so dark that I didn't want to be a part of what the world was offering. Days of crying and begging God to take me home to be with Him. Days of trying hard to pull it together so my children wouldn't have to be a part of the darkness that seemed to envelope me. There were days that I couldn't face my husband or my children because I was afraid they would see who I was and how incomplete I was in serving them. My heart hurt. It hurt from the inside out. I felt pain in my chest when I would breathe, and I felt tears sting my eyes when I would try to see the light outside of the moment that I was in.

This darkness was and is a reality. I can get through a few days at a time where I would think I was out of the shadow. But, it could just take a moment of thinking about the pain that tore at the lives of those I love and I would be under the covers, door shut, pillow over my face to muffle the sobbing that seemed to take over. Many know that I am dramatic and that I can draw a story to a climax that may not have been a reality. But, I am afraid that those same people who know me well enough to observe my drama, would acknowledge that this past year was not just Rosie drama. It had been a long time coming. The frustration of 2 jobs that I had to let go of, the illness of my father, the death of a beautiful young woman, the loss of a dear friend, the distance of my family, the judgement of my community, were all realities that culminated and overwhelmed me.

That overwhelming darkness was not overcome by my own abilities. I had to seek help. In addition to professional help, Chris walked this path of searching for a way out of the darkness. We struggle to understand how I could have fallen so deeply when I have been blessed with so much. We realize so much about ourselves, and continue to come to grips with what to do with who we are. We are different than we were 18 years ago when we met. Surely, he didn't sign on for this darkness and despair. I haven't been the wife or mother that I offered to be when we got married. His patience and understanding have been gifts that I often don't recognize or honor. Equally, he unintentionally undermined my integrity and passion with judgement and ridicule. We both bare blame for the environment that became so radically dark. We continue to strive to know more about ourselves so we can know more about each other. But, it is hard work. And, many times, I haven't had the energy to put in to understanding or advancing the process that is marraige.

My dear friends have loved me, despite my hatred for myself. I have been disgusted at times with how I have responded to my family, my children, my friends, co-workers, and complete strangers. Those who love me have loved me enough to give me space, but to also get in my face and kick my a**. Their compassion, strength, dedication, empathy, and character have allowed me to keep breathing, even when the air was a cloud that hurt to breathe. In the midst of every day trials, and extraordinary struggles, my friends set aside time to know me and love me, just where I am. It is humbling. I have grieved for a friendship that is no longer. I can't tell you how many tears I shed and how painful my heart ached for a friendship that I believed was God-given and treasured. I know it was a gift from God and as such blessed gifts are, hard to let go. I still cry at the loss that I feel when I realize that I don't get to be friends anymore. But I can also laugh and enjoy the moments I had and the blessings that have come from loving and letting go.

The friends who have stood along side me through this darkness are testaments, living testaments to God's love for me and for each one of us. I was given the people who I needed when I needed them. My God promises that he can can take all things and make them new. I have to believe that this same God can take the horror and pain of this world and make beautiful friendships and connections come to life at just the precise moment when the darkness is overwhelming. From the friends outside my backdoor, to the ones on each coast of the United States, to the ones in Canada, and the ones across the bridge from Canada, my friends have seen me through the darkness. They held my hand and allowed me to weep in their arms. They have texted, emailed, written, sent cd's, called, and literally kicked me out of my bed in an effort to shake the fog of sadness that limited me from seeing the light. They prayed and they believed when I was unable.

My family has been a constant reminder to me that I am able. I can't look at the people who have surrounded me my whole life, and not recognize the strength it has taken for them to get up and strain to see the light that was so dim at times. Their love and commitment to loving is amazing. So many times we could have all given up, run away, hidden under the covers, hibernated, or just disappeared. But, the strength of character of my parents gives me strength to endure the darkness one more day, one more week, one more month, one more year. Whatever it takes. Because my family doesn't quit or hide. We don't always know what to do, but we know that we have to keep trying, keep loving, keep forgiving.

I have spent a lot of this past year trying to forgive myself for not being who I thought I should be, who I wanted to be, who I thought others wanted me to be. I have had to forgive myself for not knowing how to move past the darkness. I have had to forgive myself for walking into it so far that I didn't know how to get out. In doing so, I have had to wrap my arms around the parts of myself that I don't like and don't want to have. I have had to resign myself to the good and the bad of who I am. Resigning myself doesn't mean I have to like it, or live with it forever. But, I do have to acknowledge the influence that all my experiences have had on who I am. It hasn't been fun. It has been exhausting. And, unfortunately, I know it's not over. As each day passes, I have more experiences to integrate and accept. I will need to ask forgiveness from myself, and from those around me. Humbling, very humbling.

Today, I can say I will humbly walk forward knowing that there is a light that dimly shines. Sometimes it is blinding and I am filled with joy and peace. Sometimes it is the distant glow of a candle not yet bright enough to help me see the next step. This year I hope and pray for acceptance; acceptance of my circumstances, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my friends, my family, my husband, my children, and the beautiful children whose eyes have been a constant light in the midst of my darkness. I pray that I will accept people for where they are, for who they are, for why they are, and for what they are. I don't mean in a condoning, undisciplined, undiscerning way. But, rather accept them in a way that loves the heart that God made each person to be, rather than in the way I think they should be or this world thinks they are.

In Him there is no darkness at all. But, until I am with Him in heaven, I will accept the darkness as one step closer to the light that I will rest in forever. I am thankful this day for darkness and the light. I pray that the influences of both will allow me to be who God desires me to be.

Cream of Tartar, mmm...good?

I have enjoyed cooking for friends and family this past year. I like to experiment and try new things, and I often miss the mark. But, sometimes, I hit a real winner. I made a soup last January, (maybe it was late December, definitely after Christmas). Maybe it was potato, or chicken and wild rice. I don't know. What I do know is that it wasn't the texture I wanted. I knew flour would thicken it up, but I knew there was also another ingredient that would do the same job, and I didn't want the soup to have a floury taste. Now whether flour changes the taste is something I don't know, but at the moment I was convinced that I would not use flour. So I searched the cabinet thinking when I saw what I was looking for, I would know it. Eventually I came upon Cream of Tartar. Everyone was in the living room playing Guitar hero, and I risked and trusted myself to know that Cream of Tartar was the ingredient that would thicken the soup. After retrieving a cup or two from the soup I whisked in my magic ingredient. Then returned it to the soup. That didn't really thicken it, so I figured I should add more Cream of Tartar. How many times did I conclude it needed more Cream of Tartar you may be wondering. Oh, maybe 5 times I extracted soup broth, added Cream of Tartar and added the mixture back to the soup.

Guess what? Cream of Tartar is not a thickening agent. Corn Starch is, flour is, but Cream of Tartar is not. But, I served it. It had a slight bitter taste to it, but it was eaten and appreciated by the crew that had assembled to gather for food and fun with friends. I admitted my process of preparing the soup and laughed along with my friends and family at my mishap. How often do we find ourselves so certain only to find out we are totally wrong? Luckily with this meal, no one suffered from my stubbornness. What if I had just asked the group what they thought? Or, called my mom? Or looked up on the Internet? What was I thinking in that one moment that made me so certain of the wrong ingredient? I find myself in that place not just with food, but also with relationships. I can convince myself of a motive or interpretation that is absolutely opposite from a friend's intention. My inclination to "read into" or to accept my own answer instead of just asking the question has caused some major rifts with people that I care about.

I am blessed to say that I have seen reconciliation with one of my dear friends who I had hurt due to my stubbornness and unwavering commitment to my own ideas. I was as resolute in my purpose and ideas as when I was adding Cream of Tartar to my soup. And the bitter taste that resulted caused pain and distance between someone that I respected and loved. Misunderstanding and an inability to stop and consider the thoughts and feelings of another created an environment where resolution and reconciliation was made impossible. Not impossible I guess, since today I can say that I have apologized and been lovingly forgiven. It was a highlight of my year for sure. Grace and love at its best. I pray that for many friendships in my life and in the life of those around me. I have learned however, that it will happen only in God's time. Where I have tried to push my agenda, or dictate a direction, I have pushed people away. So, I wait. I pray. I weep for the loss of those friendships and relationships that suffer the consequences of our human inability. I rejoice in God's ability to make all things new.

I will continue to risk trying new recipes and adding my own twists. There are times when I need ask questions and wait for answers. But, I will not stop trying. Sometimes the results may not work out to make the perfect meal. But, sometimes, the result will be better than I could have ever imagined. And in both cases, I hope I get to share the bad and the good with those that I love. It is a risk worth taking.

Holiday thoughts

It has been awhile since I have had a moment to get thoughts out of my mind and onto the screen. So many times in the past week or so I have thought, "I need to remember this. I want to share this thought or memory.". But then life would speed up, and away went the thought. Now I am sitting here wondering what I wanted to share and why it was important. So, I am going to give myself permission to share what I am thinking in this moment.

This holiday season has been difficult. I have been witness to the suffering of many that I love and been fully incapable of relieving or even comforting them in their pain. Distance, time, skepticism, anger, and pain have created challenges in my ability to offer care and comfort. In the midst of recognizing the hurt around me, I was reminded of the great joy and love that I have witnessed through the pain and sorrow.

Relationships have secured and stabilized me throughout the past season of my life. Words can not adequately share the appreciation and gratitude. I don't know what sacrifices were made in order for friends to stand by me. Time, energy, tears, and patience were just a few that I can think of. Some of my closest friends were experiencing their own painful, difficult, and life-altering seasons. It was painful to watch them suffer, and at times, not be strong enough to support them the way I know God would call me. I struggled to admit to them the depth of my own pain and unhealthy behaviors. But, each time I did, I received their genuine care and understanding. Maybe acceptance is what I learned most of all through some of the experiences this year. Acceptance from the great friends who allowed me to grieve and suffer because that is what my heart needed to do. Their acceptance of my intense joy, excitement, and passion reassured me and reminded me that God made me with an immense range of feelings that He wanted me to experience. Even when others didn't understand or misinterpreted my actions, my dear friends supported and encouraged me to live out in fullness who God made me to be.

In addition to acceptance, the network of people who supported me held me accountable. They knew some of the struggles I was fighting. My close friends and family helped me recognize the behaviors that generated more battles. When I began giving into old patterns, many were quick to help me see and play out the consequences. Invaluable were the insights that I was able to draw from the talks and discussions with friends and family who patiently reiterated time after time what they had said a hundred times before. What a gift their consistent love and patience were to me.

Through loving relationships I became more aware of who I am and how others work in my life. I was able to acknowledge how inadequate I was and am, but, also to acknowledge the love that others have for me, just as I am. Flawed, inadequate, sorrowful, insensitive, inept, and misguided is the reality of who I am. But, I can also acknowledge that I have a capacity to love, care, rejoice, celebrate, forgive, accept, direct, and live that is unique and special. Just as each one that reads this is unique and special and therefore called to affect this world with great purpose. None of us is all good or all bad, all right or all wrong. And yet, to acknowledge our faults, we become vulnerable and susceptible to rejection and judgement. The understanding that my friends and family have shared helped me to realize that I can be loved for those qualities that are gray, imperfect, and unacceptable to some.

I am fully aware that I will continue to struggle daily with who I am and what God calls me to be. In that effort, I will surely fail and disappoint. But, I will also be able to love and care deeply for those who God shares with me. It isn't going to look traditional or conformed. I will undoubtedly draw questions and doubts by those who don't understand my heart. I am certain that I will hurt those who have been injured previously through my actions, or who I ignorantly and unintentionally don't understand. I am praying for reconciliation in all things and all relationships. For the pain and suffering I have caused to those near and not so close, I will continue to ask forgiveness. In addition to those prayers, I will be asking God to provide blessings and realizations through the pain and misunderstandings that disconnect and destroy relationships. I am trusting that He will care for the hearts of those who are in pain and grief.

So many more thoughts, but for today, I am grateful to share how my life has been radically transformed through the acceptance and accountability of dear friends and family. And through acknowledgement and awareness of who I am (which is ever changing and full of flaws), I look forward to allowing God to use me in a radical way to love and serve others.

Dear God,

Please forgive me this indulgence. But I am praying that by sharing this prayer more will pray and maybe, just maybe, the pain will be lessened for those that need relief and comfort the most.

Dear God,

I am so thankful for the gifts you have given me through the people that have come and gone throughout my life. And of course there are those that stick around and put up with me for years on end, including my family. Sometimes I wonder how you decided what family you would give me. How did you know I would need the mom I have and the dad I have? When did you decide that I was for them? What about my siblings? I am still learning from them how to live and love. We don't get to see each other often, but I am connected to them and they know and love me no matter what. Sometimes I am afraid for our family God. What will we do when our dad isn't around? How will we care for my mom? What will she need, and how will we show her the love and devotion that she showed us throughout our life? I know we are gifts to each other. Even if they seem like gag gifts sometimes.

Tonight I ask you Lord to protect some boys that I work with. They are brothers, and they are probably scared and confused. I know you gave them to each other, just as you gave me my family. You designed them to be together. Though each has a different set of biological parents, they are made brothers through a mother who surely loves them and desires more than anything to care for them and show them the love they are so worthy of. But as you already know and are already grieving about, they are struggling. I don't know the reality of the situation, but I know they are hurting. So Lord, please, in this very moment, I ask for you to protect this family from the harshness and the pain. I ask you Lord to hold them in your arms and ease their fears. I ask that you provide a loving hand to touch them and an understanding heart to provide for their needs. Please be with their mom. Love her and give her guidance and direction. Where there needs to be discipline, give it gently and allow her to learn from the model you are as a parent. Please teach those of us who are witness to the life of these boys to be compassionate and forgiving. Allow us to see with your eyes and love with your heart.

I know you can provide the love and protection when our humanness prohibits us from seeing all that is. For the brokenness that lies in the heart of each family, Lord, please mend and heal. I don't know what that looks like. I can't even begin to comprehend how you can bring peace to the hearts of the grieving. But I know you can. So please, for those who suffer in silence or in the agony of tears and sobbing, comfort and heal. Please show this world how to support and love the lost and grieving. Where pain must linger, please show yourself. Where brokenness is all that is real, please bring comfort in proportion to the pain. Where there is disbelief or resentment, please open your arms and allow the lost to feel your presence in a real and tangible way.

Tonight Lord, please be with the children whose parents are not able to love and comfort them. Whether it be next door to me, or in Africa. You are in our midst and you know each situation. You know the hearts of the children whose dad just died. You know the hearts of the parents who are struggling to breathe because they hurt so badly and are so alone. It is too much to understand and comprehend. But, you Lord, you do understand. You know just is needed to get them through. So for my own unbelief, anger, and sadness I ask for your forgiveness. For the parents are alive, but who can't feel the hearts of their own children, I pray you give them strength and clarity. I pray for the parents who are feeling the hearts of their children. Lord, please give them strength and steadfastness of heart. May they feel your energy and guidance in a real and present way. For the needs of both parents and children, I trust Lord you will provide.

In your unique and mysterious ways I pray you work a miracle in the family of my dear sister in Christ. I trust that you will know how to handle the difficulties. I rejoice that you have strengthened her heart and taught her to rely on you. In the same way, I ask you to do the same in the lives of those she loves. May their spirits be sensitive to the cries of her heart. Where there is bitterness and scrutiny, condemnation and criticism, I ask you to replace it with sensitivity and appreciation. I know you can take all things and make them new again. You have the power to take the pain of years of misunderstanding, frustration, and anger and turn it into a relationship of beauty and grace. I thank you Lord that you have reconciled many relationships in my life, and I ask for your intervention and power to reconcile all the relationships that suffer from our human inabilities.

I pray especially for those of us who don't understand. May we not sit in judgement of what we don't see, don't believe, and don't know. Give us hearts of compassion and acceptance. In each situation, whether pain filled or joy filled, may we trust that you have divine awareness and clarity. So as I try to comprehend, I ask that you to help me trust and not understand, but just love. Teach me to love like you do. You know my heart is heavy tonight and this is just the surface of all that my heart is feeling. But as I give this to you, I trust you will lighten my load and give me peace in which to rest. I pray the same peace and ease of sleep for those that struggle with burdens that only you can carry.

Long day

Today has been a long day. It might be my own fault. I got chatting with a friend and ended up staying up until 2am. Wouldn't have had it any other way. We both needed a time to decompress, laugh, and struggle together with life's issues. Funny how even when you think you've solved a world problem or a small family issue, you wake up to find that nobody else heard the solution, so the problems and issues are still there.

I woke up in a pleasant mood. The lessons and carols were being offered at church and I love this time of year and the music that touches hearts and heals wounds. I am getting more comfortable at church which, depending on the moment can be good or bad. I need to have my filter on more than I do, but at least I am aware. It is time to trust God to direct my path in that place. So, I know he will smooth away the rough edges in His time.

Today though, I was unprepared for the pain and hurt that would be evoked through the music. First there were the children singing. I love those kids. There is literal joy and delight when seeing them line up. The wiggly ones are my favorite. I like it when they sing loud, out of tune, wrong words and rhythms. But today my heart broke as I watched them. They didn't know what they were singing. Literally, they didn't know the song they were singing. It was very sad and embarassing because the goal of offering a musical gift at church is not expertise, but rather the joy of sharing the words that touch the heart of the singer, and the congregation. But these kids didn't know the words.

Then there was a beautiful group of women who sang. It was humbling to be in the midst of their offering. As they sang, I was touched by the reality of this God who gave a perfect gift to us in the birth of His son. Then I was bombarded by images of those who manifested themselves as gifts from God to me. So many of them are no longer with me. Things have changed and I am sad. My heart breaks for those experiencing sadness and pain because of the judgement, disbelief, hatred and ignorance that this world perpetrates against itself. I am broken by the very same things. I know I shouldn't care, and I know I should be stronger. But, today it just hurt. I want the comfort and peace of that precious baby. I miss what I have lost this year. I trust that God will equip me to handle the pain. My pain is nothing in comparison to what others are dealing with. In my heart and mind, I know that God is my strength and my salvation, the Rock in whom I trust. It comforts me to know that he is with me and understands my brokenness and my selfishness. As I admit to my unbelief, my sadness, and my guilt, I rejoice in the fact that I know my God loves me even in these moments; with my faults, my poor judgement, and my ignorance. I am called to love others and will strive to do so. I wish I could do it the way God does it for me. I forgive myself for not knowing how to. But I commit to trying forever to love and live with a fulness that God promises and offers.

I do miss my friends who taught me about God's love, understanding, and acceptance. My gratitude and thanks may never be fully understood or accepted. Coming to grips with that is difficult. So to those dear people who have touched my heart and forever changed me, I thank you and I love you.

Grown up issues

As some know, I have grown up issues. I don't play well with others, well other grown-ups. I take responsibility for the issue. I know from experience that it is my issue. It isn't for lack of trying. Really, I try. As long as I don't have extended interactions with grown-ups I am usually ok. But, unless someone is willing to really get to know me, (to spend on-going relationship building time); I am a difficult grown up. I am challenged. I am loud, that tends to be a real turn-off for some grown-ups. I say things without thinking through or qualifying. It has been said that I am condescending, disrespectful, mouthy, brash, too harsh, too honest, too passionate, disagreeable, argumentative, and loud. Did I mention loud? I know some will rush to my defense, and for that I am grateful, thankful, joyful and appreciative. But it's ok. I realize that I have grown-up issues. Awareness is often the first step on the road to recovery. (I am not really aiming to recover from who I am, but rather let God refine those qualities.) But I stray from my point...

There are times when I appreciate my grown-up issues. Sometimes I feel like I see life through the eyes of a child easier than I see life through the eyes of an adult. Of course, at the holidays that is much easier to do and is far more enjoyable. My heart tends to respond with the intensity of a child, more specifically, a preschooler. Whether it be joy, fear, anger, disappointment, or sadness, I express it with an intensity that is often off-putting and often times, refreshing. We grown-ups, tend to let conflict build up. We hold grudges. We expect, but we don't communicate the expectation. We dream but don't rejoice. We have nightmares and we don't cry. Adults carry the extremes of emotions and narrow them into a moderate response that is acceptable to all. Of course I am not suggesting that we should throw temper tantrums when we don't get what we want, though I throw a pretty good tantrum, and sometimes it just feels good. Moderation and tempering of emotional responses are signs of maturity and self-control(no wonder I like the temper tantrums more).

I wish grown-ups were more permitted to respond like children. My sister had to make a difficult decision this week to walk away from a situation that was safe, comfortable, familiar, and rooted. A conflict that should have been quickly resolved, was blown out of proportion by the grown-ups. Instead of responding with child-like vulnerability, remorse, and forgiveness, the adult responses negatively implicated the children involved. My sister had to make a painful decision to protect her daughter's sweet heart from the pain of an adult world that she is far too young to experience. I know this is all vague, but you could pick any names and any conflict and the experience would be the same.

Grown-ups + conflict - resolution = passive-aggressive grown-up ugliness

I am proud of my sister for how she handled this difficult moment in her life and in the life of her daughter. I know she has learned from her daughter, who at 4 years old has more compassion, insight, flexibility, and forgiveness than many adults. Her mother has taught her well. Modeling self-efficacy and grace are keys to teaching our children the vital lessons in life. How I wish we didn't have to teach these lessons at 4 years old, but thank God my niece is learning.

Sometimes kids are the benefactors of problems that are purely adult issues. In fact, I might argue, that grown-up issues are responsible for almost all problems in the world. Even in the situation above I have sympathy and empathy for the adults who were incapable of modeling a resolution so the children involved could continue in the environment that was beneficial for them. Battles between adults hinder the abilities, dreams, and hopes of our children. Even into adulthood, how many of us make decisions to please the adults in our lives rather than making decisions based on our heart's desires or prayerful considerations? But, even so, we all somehow live. We make it through. It is a miracle and gift. God is able to take brokenness created by our grown-up issues and turn them into His mighty gesture of goodness.