Holiday thoughts

It has been awhile since I have had a moment to get thoughts out of my mind and onto the screen. So many times in the past week or so I have thought, "I need to remember this. I want to share this thought or memory.". But then life would speed up, and away went the thought. Now I am sitting here wondering what I wanted to share and why it was important. So, I am going to give myself permission to share what I am thinking in this moment.

This holiday season has been difficult. I have been witness to the suffering of many that I love and been fully incapable of relieving or even comforting them in their pain. Distance, time, skepticism, anger, and pain have created challenges in my ability to offer care and comfort. In the midst of recognizing the hurt around me, I was reminded of the great joy and love that I have witnessed through the pain and sorrow.

Relationships have secured and stabilized me throughout the past season of my life. Words can not adequately share the appreciation and gratitude. I don't know what sacrifices were made in order for friends to stand by me. Time, energy, tears, and patience were just a few that I can think of. Some of my closest friends were experiencing their own painful, difficult, and life-altering seasons. It was painful to watch them suffer, and at times, not be strong enough to support them the way I know God would call me. I struggled to admit to them the depth of my own pain and unhealthy behaviors. But, each time I did, I received their genuine care and understanding. Maybe acceptance is what I learned most of all through some of the experiences this year. Acceptance from the great friends who allowed me to grieve and suffer because that is what my heart needed to do. Their acceptance of my intense joy, excitement, and passion reassured me and reminded me that God made me with an immense range of feelings that He wanted me to experience. Even when others didn't understand or misinterpreted my actions, my dear friends supported and encouraged me to live out in fullness who God made me to be.

In addition to acceptance, the network of people who supported me held me accountable. They knew some of the struggles I was fighting. My close friends and family helped me recognize the behaviors that generated more battles. When I began giving into old patterns, many were quick to help me see and play out the consequences. Invaluable were the insights that I was able to draw from the talks and discussions with friends and family who patiently reiterated time after time what they had said a hundred times before. What a gift their consistent love and patience were to me.

Through loving relationships I became more aware of who I am and how others work in my life. I was able to acknowledge how inadequate I was and am, but, also to acknowledge the love that others have for me, just as I am. Flawed, inadequate, sorrowful, insensitive, inept, and misguided is the reality of who I am. But, I can also acknowledge that I have a capacity to love, care, rejoice, celebrate, forgive, accept, direct, and live that is unique and special. Just as each one that reads this is unique and special and therefore called to affect this world with great purpose. None of us is all good or all bad, all right or all wrong. And yet, to acknowledge our faults, we become vulnerable and susceptible to rejection and judgement. The understanding that my friends and family have shared helped me to realize that I can be loved for those qualities that are gray, imperfect, and unacceptable to some.

I am fully aware that I will continue to struggle daily with who I am and what God calls me to be. In that effort, I will surely fail and disappoint. But, I will also be able to love and care deeply for those who God shares with me. It isn't going to look traditional or conformed. I will undoubtedly draw questions and doubts by those who don't understand my heart. I am certain that I will hurt those who have been injured previously through my actions, or who I ignorantly and unintentionally don't understand. I am praying for reconciliation in all things and all relationships. For the pain and suffering I have caused to those near and not so close, I will continue to ask forgiveness. In addition to those prayers, I will be asking God to provide blessings and realizations through the pain and misunderstandings that disconnect and destroy relationships. I am trusting that He will care for the hearts of those who are in pain and grief.

So many more thoughts, but for today, I am grateful to share how my life has been radically transformed through the acceptance and accountability of dear friends and family. And through acknowledgement and awareness of who I am (which is ever changing and full of flaws), I look forward to allowing God to use me in a radical way to love and serve others.