Long day

Today has been a long day. It might be my own fault. I got chatting with a friend and ended up staying up until 2am. Wouldn't have had it any other way. We both needed a time to decompress, laugh, and struggle together with life's issues. Funny how even when you think you've solved a world problem or a small family issue, you wake up to find that nobody else heard the solution, so the problems and issues are still there.

I woke up in a pleasant mood. The lessons and carols were being offered at church and I love this time of year and the music that touches hearts and heals wounds. I am getting more comfortable at church which, depending on the moment can be good or bad. I need to have my filter on more than I do, but at least I am aware. It is time to trust God to direct my path in that place. So, I know he will smooth away the rough edges in His time.

Today though, I was unprepared for the pain and hurt that would be evoked through the music. First there were the children singing. I love those kids. There is literal joy and delight when seeing them line up. The wiggly ones are my favorite. I like it when they sing loud, out of tune, wrong words and rhythms. But today my heart broke as I watched them. They didn't know what they were singing. Literally, they didn't know the song they were singing. It was very sad and embarassing because the goal of offering a musical gift at church is not expertise, but rather the joy of sharing the words that touch the heart of the singer, and the congregation. But these kids didn't know the words.

Then there was a beautiful group of women who sang. It was humbling to be in the midst of their offering. As they sang, I was touched by the reality of this God who gave a perfect gift to us in the birth of His son. Then I was bombarded by images of those who manifested themselves as gifts from God to me. So many of them are no longer with me. Things have changed and I am sad. My heart breaks for those experiencing sadness and pain because of the judgement, disbelief, hatred and ignorance that this world perpetrates against itself. I am broken by the very same things. I know I shouldn't care, and I know I should be stronger. But, today it just hurt. I want the comfort and peace of that precious baby. I miss what I have lost this year. I trust that God will equip me to handle the pain. My pain is nothing in comparison to what others are dealing with. In my heart and mind, I know that God is my strength and my salvation, the Rock in whom I trust. It comforts me to know that he is with me and understands my brokenness and my selfishness. As I admit to my unbelief, my sadness, and my guilt, I rejoice in the fact that I know my God loves me even in these moments; with my faults, my poor judgement, and my ignorance. I am called to love others and will strive to do so. I wish I could do it the way God does it for me. I forgive myself for not knowing how to. But I commit to trying forever to love and live with a fulness that God promises and offers.

I do miss my friends who taught me about God's love, understanding, and acceptance. My gratitude and thanks may never be fully understood or accepted. Coming to grips with that is difficult. So to those dear people who have touched my heart and forever changed me, I thank you and I love you.