What to do?

I don't like being a grown up sometimes. Making decisions about what to do is hard work. From the "What to do about dinner?", to "What to do about my husband's anniversary gift?", to "What to do about this crisis?" Do you think if we answer the little questions, the seemingly insignificant questions, that the harder ones will be answered more easily? I mean, if I decide chili is for dinner, and I am going to buy my husband a golf club, then I will know how to answer the question about the economic crisis, or the devastation in Haiti, or the tragic loss of security and understanding?

I think it was our pastor who talked about his mom making a menu for the whole year (or at least each month) and had it posted on the fridge. There was never any question, never any straying from the menu. Was her brain freed up to handle some of the more substantial issues in life with more clarity? I mean, I would do the menu thing, if that meant I could understand and answer my friend's questions about why her life hurts so badly right now. I would joyously do my menu, her menu, and a stranger's menu if I would then be able to contemplate and come to discernment regarding why children are abused or disregarded.

I know it doesn't work like that. I don't get to have the answers about "what to do" by following the rules or creating a menu. But, maybe, if I think through the mundane, inconsequential issues that face my daily life, then I might feel more equipped to ponder some of the larger "what to do" circumstances. I am realizing more and more though, that me pondering and thinking through doesn't necessarily mean the answer will be evident or correct. Praying consistently and intently will give me direction; though I have to accept the terms of timing not being what I want. Will this ongoing discussion with God bring me closer to Him? Does He even have time to help me figure out what's for dinner? Does He even care?

Surely He does. In fact, I think that He knows me more intimately and completely than any person will ever know me. What's even better, is that He loves me. He loves the parts of me that are afraid to be seen. He loves the parts of me that I detest. He loves the part of me that can't decide what's for dinner, or how to answer the questions that my children challenge me with. I don't for a minute think that all those parts of me are good, or right especially as the world interprets. But I do think that God loves me even knowing all of these parts.

Yes, being in an ongoing discussion with God will reap benefits. Not only will I maybe receive some divine insight into what's for dinner, but, if I wait; I might get some answers to those bigger issues. From my experience, I don't always get answers, but I am given permission to not have the answers. He permits me to live out what He would have me do in a circumstance. He gives me the strength to withstand the criticism and judgement that comes along with following Him. Sometimes it isn't an answer or decision that needs to be made about "what to do?". It is a question of how do I show love, care, concern in the midst of not knowing what to do. When I don't know the answer to "what to do?", I like to ask how can I love my friend through this moment? How can I love my child, my husband, this stranger, or myself through the not knowing? What actions can I take? What care can I offer? What love will God share through me? When I ask those questions, I am often surprised how quickly I hear the answers.

I am thankful that God loves me tonight. He loves me because I am His, not because I know the answers to all the questions. Prayers go out tonight to my dear friends who are struggling with the questions of "what to do". May you recognize God's mercy and comfort as you struggle with the darkness of the night, and the fear of the days to come. May you feel the peace of our God who loves you because He made you to walk this world and share His love. I love you and wish I had the answers to the questions that weigh heavy on your heart. But, I am seeking to love you in this moment. Whether I can be with you, or am forced to stay away, I love you and know that God is with you. I will rest this night with the confidence of knowing that God is able to carry your burdens and mine. He knows what to do.

Footfall

I have heard of putting one foot in front of the other, but I am reading Faith and Will by Julia Cameron who refers to getting through life one footfall at a time. I kind of like that. I think that word fairly represents the effort that comes with getting through life sometimes. It's more intense, heavy, and stressful than just taking a step. Sometimes we are lucky enough to dance or skip through life. But, more often than not, we take one footfall at a time. A footfall sounds like your body has to really exert itself to move forward. Like it would take conscious effort to move your foot from one place to the next. It's not as mundane as just shuffling from here to there.

I like that "footfall" still suggests movement, although labored and slow. I am not meant to stay in the same place. No matter how hard it is to move, I am meant to lift my foot up and set it down in a new place. Sometimes I think I know right where my foot will land. But, just as quickly as I begin to set it down, it falls into a totally different spot. Sometimes it lands in the least desirable places; rocks, cracks, bumps, and sometimes, ditches. Those are the worst. The ditches. Here I thought I was moving forward by taking a quick, easy step; but I end up falling and tripping, losing my footing. And then there are the times when I think that running from one place to another is the answer. I want to see how quickly I can remove myself from where I currently am. That doesn't serve me so well.

As much as I am not meant to stay in the same place, being idle and unresponsive; I am not meant to move too quickly or spontaneously. Jumping from here to there is not a successful mode of movement for me. I end up finding falling. Then it isn't just a footfall effort to move forward, but it takes a crane to get me back to standing. Then I have to soothe my aching body before I can even think about movement. Once I am standing again, it is amazing how quickly I forget that I am ineffective when I run or jump.

I have a myriad of choices to consider when I am moving from here to there. I can stand still, step, run, jump, skip, dance, or hop. But, knowing that a footfall is an option now widens my perspective of mobility. It allows for awareness and effort to be considered when making a move. When pondering this new option for getting through life, I am realizing that God's guidance would come in very handy. Before my foot falls into the ditch, before I decide to run from the place I am in, before I stand inactive or wander aimlessly; I might think of touching base with God. Then when my foot falls, He will know where I am and I will have considered where He wants me to be. Instead of thinking of the endpoint, I can focus on each moment I raise my foot.

I can put my foot down, and let it fall without God's insight or guidance. In fact, I do it all the time. I don't think by asking Him to guide me that the product of my faith will be evident. But I think the process of my faith will be more focused and concerted. If I connect with Him as my foot is lifting and falling, He might give me awareness of what the ground looks like and what obstacles may be in my path. Sometimes it will be a matter of Him just giving me the strength to move my foot so it will fall into a new spot. It might be painful and laborious. But it will be movement, and that will be enough to move me to the next day.

You don't know what you don't know until you know.

One of my favorite people told me this. You don't know what you don't know until you know. I think of that often as I try to forgive myself for not knowing. In my ignorance I have unintentionally hurt and disappointed myself and others. I get that I am meant to forgive and I am feeling more and more peace as time goes on. But I continue to struggle with what I know and what I don't know.

You know what I mean? I lived my life believing certain ideologies, premises, and perceptions based on what I grew up living and experiencing. That is what we all do I suppose. We read life through the glasses of our own realities. I thought I knew things like "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.", "Love your neighbor as yourself." and "Return no one evil for evil." I do know those things and want to live by them. But HOW I live by them is of far greater impact that knowing them. And because we can only see through the glasses of our own realities how we care for others and how we allow others to care for us is constantly in flux and at odds with the ideal that God laid out as purpose and value.

Let's assume that we agree that living by some of these values as listed above is beneficial and worth striving towards. I am in, all about it. You see, I was deeply cared for by my family, my church family, and my friends. Through desperate situations and trying times, I was graciously and lovingly cared for. My whole family was cared for. As I look to the "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I see how that was lived out and personified by those around me. This was not just the case when I was growing up, but also as I was raising my children.

Through a very difficult pregnancy, my church family walked beside us and took care of many of our physical needs. A dear woman watched and loved Colin during the day so Chris could go to school and I could be on bed rest (Can you imagine? I mean, I don't know what was worse. Me being on bed rest, or Chris, having to live with me while I was on bed rest. Torture for both of us.). The choir members and Sunday school class provided us with meals and prayers. It was humbling. Love manifested through service. I was the recipient of those who lived out the commandment to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." They literally cared for us as if we were a part of their families.

Now when I am blessed to serve, my reality seems unlimited and without borders. No one said to us growing up, "Well, we would care for you, but you aren't worth it." They cared to the magnitude in which they were able. They didn't say, "We can help you, but you will have to pay us back." They gave in time, energy, and resources to their capability. Without withholding and in proportion to their ability. What a gift it is to serve. How blessed I have been to be able to receive care in abundance unrelated to my own capabilities.

I guess my frustration with knowing what I know and don't know is that I often allow what other people know and insist upon to dictate, distract, and disorient me from what I know I know. Huh???? Isn't too clear, I do know that. I guess I feel unfairly judged at times. My actions are sometimes in response to a selfish desire to feel good or prove something. But, many times, my actions are in response to prayerful consideration. God gifts each of us and we are called to use those gifts. But, does our society validate that behavior or misconstrue and judge it? I think a little bit of both.

It probably doesn't help that many people do give and serve with the expectation to have it reciprocated. It causes recipients to question genuine service and sincere charity. However, many churches, social organizations, sororities, fraternities, businesses, and non-profit organizations give in untold and unrecognized ways. Our world does validate this act of service. And I do believe that most service is done with a genuine heart to love and care for each other. But, until you know love, genuine love, unhindered love, unrestricted love, enthusiastic love, abundant love, you may not know what you didn't know or how to share what hasn't been shared. In my faith, I would say that love is God's love. The love He showed us through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. But, I would be narrow minded if I believed that others don't experience a pure, undignified kind of love through their own source of spirituality. (I do pray that all may experience and realize the love that God offers, because it is awesome, freeing, and full.)

Unfortunately, the same love that provides joy, grace, and freedom also hurts. My heart hurts and I hurt others' hearts; not intentionally and certainly apologetically. I would venture the theory through my own experience that the pain and hurt of love is given in equal proportion to the joy and freedom it offers. Certainly the love that God gives represents that. He gave His son, His only son, His beloved son, to death and darkness for a relationship with the whole of creation who had abandoned, deserted, and broken His heart. The bliss of watching His son grow and develop into a King, a humble servant, and a sin-free giver of life shattered when he watched his son tortured and sacrificed. Sometimes I would like to ignore this reality. Like God certainly didn't feel the pain we feel when we lose someone we love. If He did feel it, how could He allow us to experience it over and over again. I wish I knew the answer to that question. But I have to believe He does know the pain. He knows it not only from watching His own son die a gruesome death, but because He witnesses the loss of His children to death, brokenness, addictions, hatred, bitterness, guilt, bondage, darkness, and sin each and every day.

I don't think realizing that pain is unavoidable when one risks loving is any comfort. It is no comfort to me. I want to run, retreat, and hide to avoid the pain. The mystery of love is incomprehensible. The realization that I can testify to is that I won't know what I don't know until I know. I know that I have been loved and that I desire to share love. It won't look like what you think it should, or often times what I think it should. The way I am called to love may be misunderstood and it may be complicated. And sometimes, I will be way off track, wrong, and misguided. What I offer may be rejected, and I will have to come to terms with the pain that is left when that happens. But I want to keep finding out what I don't know so that I can know.

I want a body bug

Watching Biggest Loser
I want one of those body bugs. Can you imagine? It tells you how many calories you are burning as you move throughout the day. You can input your calories into a software program, then attach the body bug and find out how your body is converting energy. AWESOME.

Initially, this prospect would be quite overwhelming and depressing. I mean, I don't want to admit the reality that I take in more calories than I actually burn off. I wonder is I would adjust my food intake, or my activity level. Just not sure at this point. I would have to seriously consider the consequences of each. If I took in fewer calories, I would have to sacrifice the pleasure of enjoying certain foods that I LOVE! If I were to increase my activity, I am sure I would feel the extra wear and tear in my back, feet, and legs. So, though it is hypothetical, I am thinking I would have the best results if I increased my activity level other than sacrificing food. To be honest, my dietary habits are not too bad. I should eat more fruits and veggies, but I like to eat healthily.

If I really had my way, I would have a body bug that not only monitored my calorie burning, but also monitored my brain and thought activity. It would show me the number of positive thoughts in contrast to negative thoughts that went through my mind each day. It would also allow me to get bonus points for inputting positive thoughts. So if I invested in positive information going into my head, I would reap the benefits by having a more optimistic disposition. Can you imagine?

Most of us, or at least from my personal experience, doesn't even realize how out of balance our thoughts tend to be. We know that it takes energy to keep our heart and mind out of the dumpster, but we don't know how much time we use up by not paying attention to the thoughts that meander somewhere in the void that becomes our self-image and ego. I don't put the energy in to climbing out of the dumpster until I have fallen in, been buried, and had the lid dropped with a brick put on top to keep the rodents out. The rodents would be welcome guests in contrast to the thoughts that got me into the darkness to start with.

Hanging in the limbo of not investing or accurately observing the thoughts that are coming into my mind and heart is definitely what gets me in trouble. Just as I wouldn't knowingly eat food and deprive myself of activity in order to gain weight and create risks that would have life long consequences; I don't knowingly inject or digest thoughts that are knowingly negative, harmful, and self-loathing. That happens through ignorance and apathy. This self-deprecating thought process happens as mundanely and haphazardly as weight gain. Nobody knowingly aspires to obesity and health hazards. Nobody knowingly aspires for self-hatred and darkness. Oh to have a body bug that would indicate the imbalance of thoughts that threatens our personal, societal, and global spirit.

Luckily, I have a few people in my life who have been willing to be a "thought" bug for my spirit. They see when the garbage can is starting to close in on me, and they gently, lovingly, and prayerfully offer to catch the lid. Sometimes there is too much garbage via my negative thoughts to instantly extend their hand and help me out. They do what they can to keep the lid open so I can fight my way through to the light. Only then can they offer a hand via their love and support. In return, I have been privileged to catch the lid, move some garbage, and extend a hand to a friend who is unknowingly drowning in darkness. I don't have the answers, and I don't know their darkness. But, I do know the truth of each person's value and worth. It is inherent in each one of us from the day that God saw us on this earth. Thank goodness it isn't based on our calorie intake, or our activity level, or our personal thought investment, or the perception of the world around us.

But, just as having a body bug doesn't insure weight loss and/or health, a "thought" bug wouldn't insure a positive self-worth or intention. Because we don't always do what we should, when we should, how we should. We do what we can, when we can, how we can. So maybe it is enough to invest through in those around us so we can catch the lid and hold it for awhile so someone can see the light. For tonight, that will be enough.

Anatomy 101

Colin was chatting with me this morning, in between the time he spent in his room for being disrespectful. He really enjoys science and will randomly share facts. So here are a few funny conversations we have shared lately.

Colin: Hey mom, do you know only boys have Johnny apples?
Mom: (looking surprised and moderately afraid) What do you mean a Johnny apple?
Colin: You know mom. (Pointing to his throat.) A Johnny apple.
Mom: (smiling proudly at my son's knowledge of human anatomy) Colin, that isn't a Johnny apple, it is an Adam's apple. (As I am writing this I am seriously wondering why it is called an Adam's apple. It has to be from the Adam and Eve story. Did Adam choke on the apple and that is why the Male's voice box protrudes? Never have really thought about it until now.)

This evening we have been watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Some of these clips look painful. I am still laughing, but I am convinced that many of the people in these videos have ended up in an emergency room somewhere. Here is the conversation Colin and I had regarding one of these videos.

Colin: (After seeing a 5 year old boy at a petting zoo being gnawed on by a miniature goat type of creature.) Mom, did you see that? That goat was chewing on that boy's grind area.
Mom: (Again, slightly afraid but eager to get another anatomy lesson.) Colin, what are you talking about?
Colin: Didn't you see that video? That goat was eating his grind area.
Mom: What are you talking about Colin?
Colin: (Pointing to his private area.) You know his grind area.
Mom: Oh Colin, I love you. That is a groin area, not a grind area.
Colin: Oh my gosh. That goat was chewing on his groin area.

These humorous moments provide me with much joy as we navigate this "Pubic Rage" time of development. (Thank you Cristen for providing me with a term that really does express this time in a 10-12 year old's life and as I am thinking about it, maybe throughout the entire male's life.) I am perplexed at times with the extremes that Colin exhibits. Laughing and teasing one minute, and broken down in a tumultuous heap in the next. Sometimes the opposing sentiments can be in response to the same statement, activity, or moment. So now I refer to these moments, (which can last from a minute to 24 hours depending on the incident and my patience or lack there of in response) to Pubic Rage Syndrome. It is the equivalent to the female's PMS. I wish I could give Colin Midol to help him with the symptoms. But, instead, I take the Ibuprofen during his PRS moments. I guess life is full of opposing forces and this is just one more instance where we can enjoy God's sense of humor.

Breathing

As a singer, I have been taught how to breathe with intention and awareness. The inhalation isn't a singer's usual issue. It is the exhalation. Everyone can open their mouth and suck in some air. The air for singers and non-singers alike goes in and out the same passages. But, as a singer, I focus on how to effectively, efficiently and effortlessly manage the air as it leaves my body so I can attain the best tone and vocal line. Many of my singer friends may debate with me about the validity of this observation. And depending on the day, I may or may not argue back. But for today, let's just assume I am right. I like it that way.

Breathing out, exhaling, will happen regardless of our intention (minus some unforeseen impediments). The goal for a singer is to remain constantly aware and conscious of our bodies while moving air in and out. We call this air, support. For without it, there is no life to our tone, an ineffective quality, prohibiting communication. I haven't mastered this process by any means. One would think that something that came as naturally as breathing could be achieved without too many obstacles. But, sometimes it just feels good to really sing out and use all the air allotted for a phrase, on one particular pitch or word. I can't explain it. Sometimes it feels good to just sing, full voice, with lots of gusto and very little "control". Though it "feels" good. Rarely is it a beautiful tone or worthy of listener's ears. What I hear in my head when I do this uncoordinated, selfish singing is ringing, beautiful, and full. That's not what other's hear. The tone is not centered, there is too much air coming out making it sound woofy, or raspy. It is self indulgent and not communicative. Fun, but uninspired, and ugly.

That is how I manage in life sometimes. I take in a beautiful thought, or sound, or smell, or feeling. Absorbing my surroundings is rarely the problem. I enjoy living in the moment to the point of being overstimulated by my environment. No problem taking in information, but breathing out, more difficult. Deciphering what is meant to be shared and then sharing it is more challenging. I am not sure if this makes any sense. For instance, I can be reading a great book, like Howard Dully's My Lobotomy. I am taking in information, formulating opinions, processing actions, and digesting realities. But when I go to share the insight or simply share a synopsis, I don't always "breathe out" the major points. I can get bogged down in details that do not assert the agenda of communicating. I get excited, intense, and unfocused. Then, no one really wants to hear about Howard Dully's lobotomy. They begin thinking I could use a lobotomy.

Even more frustrating is when it comes to exhaling feelings, emotions. In singing it is important to moderate, balance and sustain intentions so you can complete a phrase or a musical line to benefit the communication effort. It is about self control and muscular control. When the balance isn't met, the line, the feeling, the phrase doesn't communicate what the composer or poet intended. How many times do I do the same thing in my effort to communicate? How many times might you do that? We have the intention of communicating, "I love you and want to support you." When we lose balance it might sound something like, "Why don't you tell me things? I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on." Or maybe the intention is, "I am looking forward to a great day." But, after the coffee is spilled, and the yelling begins it sounds like, "Can't you just give me a break and let me enjoy a moment's peace?".

Such balance and discernment needed. Singing seems simple next to trying to balance life. I know that I am meant to stop, listen, and respond with more deliberateness and consideration. Luckily, I don't have to do it all by myself. God knows my heart even when I am not expressing my thoughts and feelings effectively. This is not an excuse or an affirmation for me to continue blindly exerting my own thoughts and feelings. However, it is a gift that I can joyfully open each new day. I don't have to be tied to the mistakes of the past. The vocabulary of pain, judgement, and oppression that flowed from my spirit into the lives of those I love, no longer claims witness to who I am. Though I will have to reconcile my behavior with those I have injured through my words and actions, I can peacefully rest in the awareness of God's love and forgiveness. In addition to God's strength and direction, I can trust those in my life who love me and know my heart. Friends who have invested in seeing me through and helping me breathe will also hold me accountable to my effort in breathing in and out each day with grace and love. It doesn't mean I will always do it right or find the balance. In fact, muscle memory is hard to retrain. That is a benefit in singing sometimes, because once you have learned a song, your body knows instinctively how to recreate it. Ideal when the song has been learned with a strong technique and proper use of muscles. Not so good when you were sick and learned the song with a sinus infection or a chest cold. Your body will respond similarly when you attempt the song without the limitations. Then you have to work overtime trying to retrain you body.

I will be retraining my mind and my mouth during this year, and I feel certain for the rest of my life. I dare say this doesn't mean I will be "quiet". Not sure that will ever happen. But, I can be committed to learning, listening, and living in response to the spirit that was gifted to me. I will need God's peace and comfort to slow me down and still the waters and waves of my soul so I can hear His desire and intentions. I will need my friends' and family's loving and gentle reminders to listen and learn. I am joyful and excited. Inhaling and exhaling are instinctive and life sustaining actions. This necessary action can be balanced and refined in order to sing a life song that is full of grace and glory. That hope is worth the effort and the practice.