Breathing

As a singer, I have been taught how to breathe with intention and awareness. The inhalation isn't a singer's usual issue. It is the exhalation. Everyone can open their mouth and suck in some air. The air for singers and non-singers alike goes in and out the same passages. But, as a singer, I focus on how to effectively, efficiently and effortlessly manage the air as it leaves my body so I can attain the best tone and vocal line. Many of my singer friends may debate with me about the validity of this observation. And depending on the day, I may or may not argue back. But for today, let's just assume I am right. I like it that way.

Breathing out, exhaling, will happen regardless of our intention (minus some unforeseen impediments). The goal for a singer is to remain constantly aware and conscious of our bodies while moving air in and out. We call this air, support. For without it, there is no life to our tone, an ineffective quality, prohibiting communication. I haven't mastered this process by any means. One would think that something that came as naturally as breathing could be achieved without too many obstacles. But, sometimes it just feels good to really sing out and use all the air allotted for a phrase, on one particular pitch or word. I can't explain it. Sometimes it feels good to just sing, full voice, with lots of gusto and very little "control". Though it "feels" good. Rarely is it a beautiful tone or worthy of listener's ears. What I hear in my head when I do this uncoordinated, selfish singing is ringing, beautiful, and full. That's not what other's hear. The tone is not centered, there is too much air coming out making it sound woofy, or raspy. It is self indulgent and not communicative. Fun, but uninspired, and ugly.

That is how I manage in life sometimes. I take in a beautiful thought, or sound, or smell, or feeling. Absorbing my surroundings is rarely the problem. I enjoy living in the moment to the point of being overstimulated by my environment. No problem taking in information, but breathing out, more difficult. Deciphering what is meant to be shared and then sharing it is more challenging. I am not sure if this makes any sense. For instance, I can be reading a great book, like Howard Dully's My Lobotomy. I am taking in information, formulating opinions, processing actions, and digesting realities. But when I go to share the insight or simply share a synopsis, I don't always "breathe out" the major points. I can get bogged down in details that do not assert the agenda of communicating. I get excited, intense, and unfocused. Then, no one really wants to hear about Howard Dully's lobotomy. They begin thinking I could use a lobotomy.

Even more frustrating is when it comes to exhaling feelings, emotions. In singing it is important to moderate, balance and sustain intentions so you can complete a phrase or a musical line to benefit the communication effort. It is about self control and muscular control. When the balance isn't met, the line, the feeling, the phrase doesn't communicate what the composer or poet intended. How many times do I do the same thing in my effort to communicate? How many times might you do that? We have the intention of communicating, "I love you and want to support you." When we lose balance it might sound something like, "Why don't you tell me things? I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on." Or maybe the intention is, "I am looking forward to a great day." But, after the coffee is spilled, and the yelling begins it sounds like, "Can't you just give me a break and let me enjoy a moment's peace?".

Such balance and discernment needed. Singing seems simple next to trying to balance life. I know that I am meant to stop, listen, and respond with more deliberateness and consideration. Luckily, I don't have to do it all by myself. God knows my heart even when I am not expressing my thoughts and feelings effectively. This is not an excuse or an affirmation for me to continue blindly exerting my own thoughts and feelings. However, it is a gift that I can joyfully open each new day. I don't have to be tied to the mistakes of the past. The vocabulary of pain, judgement, and oppression that flowed from my spirit into the lives of those I love, no longer claims witness to who I am. Though I will have to reconcile my behavior with those I have injured through my words and actions, I can peacefully rest in the awareness of God's love and forgiveness. In addition to God's strength and direction, I can trust those in my life who love me and know my heart. Friends who have invested in seeing me through and helping me breathe will also hold me accountable to my effort in breathing in and out each day with grace and love. It doesn't mean I will always do it right or find the balance. In fact, muscle memory is hard to retrain. That is a benefit in singing sometimes, because once you have learned a song, your body knows instinctively how to recreate it. Ideal when the song has been learned with a strong technique and proper use of muscles. Not so good when you were sick and learned the song with a sinus infection or a chest cold. Your body will respond similarly when you attempt the song without the limitations. Then you have to work overtime trying to retrain you body.

I will be retraining my mind and my mouth during this year, and I feel certain for the rest of my life. I dare say this doesn't mean I will be "quiet". Not sure that will ever happen. But, I can be committed to learning, listening, and living in response to the spirit that was gifted to me. I will need God's peace and comfort to slow me down and still the waters and waves of my soul so I can hear His desire and intentions. I will need my friends' and family's loving and gentle reminders to listen and learn. I am joyful and excited. Inhaling and exhaling are instinctive and life sustaining actions. This necessary action can be balanced and refined in order to sing a life song that is full of grace and glory. That hope is worth the effort and the practice.