What to do?

I don't like being a grown up sometimes. Making decisions about what to do is hard work. From the "What to do about dinner?", to "What to do about my husband's anniversary gift?", to "What to do about this crisis?" Do you think if we answer the little questions, the seemingly insignificant questions, that the harder ones will be answered more easily? I mean, if I decide chili is for dinner, and I am going to buy my husband a golf club, then I will know how to answer the question about the economic crisis, or the devastation in Haiti, or the tragic loss of security and understanding?

I think it was our pastor who talked about his mom making a menu for the whole year (or at least each month) and had it posted on the fridge. There was never any question, never any straying from the menu. Was her brain freed up to handle some of the more substantial issues in life with more clarity? I mean, I would do the menu thing, if that meant I could understand and answer my friend's questions about why her life hurts so badly right now. I would joyously do my menu, her menu, and a stranger's menu if I would then be able to contemplate and come to discernment regarding why children are abused or disregarded.

I know it doesn't work like that. I don't get to have the answers about "what to do" by following the rules or creating a menu. But, maybe, if I think through the mundane, inconsequential issues that face my daily life, then I might feel more equipped to ponder some of the larger "what to do" circumstances. I am realizing more and more though, that me pondering and thinking through doesn't necessarily mean the answer will be evident or correct. Praying consistently and intently will give me direction; though I have to accept the terms of timing not being what I want. Will this ongoing discussion with God bring me closer to Him? Does He even have time to help me figure out what's for dinner? Does He even care?

Surely He does. In fact, I think that He knows me more intimately and completely than any person will ever know me. What's even better, is that He loves me. He loves the parts of me that are afraid to be seen. He loves the parts of me that I detest. He loves the part of me that can't decide what's for dinner, or how to answer the questions that my children challenge me with. I don't for a minute think that all those parts of me are good, or right especially as the world interprets. But I do think that God loves me even knowing all of these parts.

Yes, being in an ongoing discussion with God will reap benefits. Not only will I maybe receive some divine insight into what's for dinner, but, if I wait; I might get some answers to those bigger issues. From my experience, I don't always get answers, but I am given permission to not have the answers. He permits me to live out what He would have me do in a circumstance. He gives me the strength to withstand the criticism and judgement that comes along with following Him. Sometimes it isn't an answer or decision that needs to be made about "what to do?". It is a question of how do I show love, care, concern in the midst of not knowing what to do. When I don't know the answer to "what to do?", I like to ask how can I love my friend through this moment? How can I love my child, my husband, this stranger, or myself through the not knowing? What actions can I take? What care can I offer? What love will God share through me? When I ask those questions, I am often surprised how quickly I hear the answers.

I am thankful that God loves me tonight. He loves me because I am His, not because I know the answers to all the questions. Prayers go out tonight to my dear friends who are struggling with the questions of "what to do". May you recognize God's mercy and comfort as you struggle with the darkness of the night, and the fear of the days to come. May you feel the peace of our God who loves you because He made you to walk this world and share His love. I love you and wish I had the answers to the questions that weigh heavy on your heart. But, I am seeking to love you in this moment. Whether I can be with you, or am forced to stay away, I love you and know that God is with you. I will rest this night with the confidence of knowing that God is able to carry your burdens and mine. He knows what to do.