You don't know what you don't know until you know.

One of my favorite people told me this. You don't know what you don't know until you know. I think of that often as I try to forgive myself for not knowing. In my ignorance I have unintentionally hurt and disappointed myself and others. I get that I am meant to forgive and I am feeling more and more peace as time goes on. But I continue to struggle with what I know and what I don't know.

You know what I mean? I lived my life believing certain ideologies, premises, and perceptions based on what I grew up living and experiencing. That is what we all do I suppose. We read life through the glasses of our own realities. I thought I knew things like "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.", "Love your neighbor as yourself." and "Return no one evil for evil." I do know those things and want to live by them. But HOW I live by them is of far greater impact that knowing them. And because we can only see through the glasses of our own realities how we care for others and how we allow others to care for us is constantly in flux and at odds with the ideal that God laid out as purpose and value.

Let's assume that we agree that living by some of these values as listed above is beneficial and worth striving towards. I am in, all about it. You see, I was deeply cared for by my family, my church family, and my friends. Through desperate situations and trying times, I was graciously and lovingly cared for. My whole family was cared for. As I look to the "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I see how that was lived out and personified by those around me. This was not just the case when I was growing up, but also as I was raising my children.

Through a very difficult pregnancy, my church family walked beside us and took care of many of our physical needs. A dear woman watched and loved Colin during the day so Chris could go to school and I could be on bed rest (Can you imagine? I mean, I don't know what was worse. Me being on bed rest, or Chris, having to live with me while I was on bed rest. Torture for both of us.). The choir members and Sunday school class provided us with meals and prayers. It was humbling. Love manifested through service. I was the recipient of those who lived out the commandment to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." They literally cared for us as if we were a part of their families.

Now when I am blessed to serve, my reality seems unlimited and without borders. No one said to us growing up, "Well, we would care for you, but you aren't worth it." They cared to the magnitude in which they were able. They didn't say, "We can help you, but you will have to pay us back." They gave in time, energy, and resources to their capability. Without withholding and in proportion to their ability. What a gift it is to serve. How blessed I have been to be able to receive care in abundance unrelated to my own capabilities.

I guess my frustration with knowing what I know and don't know is that I often allow what other people know and insist upon to dictate, distract, and disorient me from what I know I know. Huh???? Isn't too clear, I do know that. I guess I feel unfairly judged at times. My actions are sometimes in response to a selfish desire to feel good or prove something. But, many times, my actions are in response to prayerful consideration. God gifts each of us and we are called to use those gifts. But, does our society validate that behavior or misconstrue and judge it? I think a little bit of both.

It probably doesn't help that many people do give and serve with the expectation to have it reciprocated. It causes recipients to question genuine service and sincere charity. However, many churches, social organizations, sororities, fraternities, businesses, and non-profit organizations give in untold and unrecognized ways. Our world does validate this act of service. And I do believe that most service is done with a genuine heart to love and care for each other. But, until you know love, genuine love, unhindered love, unrestricted love, enthusiastic love, abundant love, you may not know what you didn't know or how to share what hasn't been shared. In my faith, I would say that love is God's love. The love He showed us through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. But, I would be narrow minded if I believed that others don't experience a pure, undignified kind of love through their own source of spirituality. (I do pray that all may experience and realize the love that God offers, because it is awesome, freeing, and full.)

Unfortunately, the same love that provides joy, grace, and freedom also hurts. My heart hurts and I hurt others' hearts; not intentionally and certainly apologetically. I would venture the theory through my own experience that the pain and hurt of love is given in equal proportion to the joy and freedom it offers. Certainly the love that God gives represents that. He gave His son, His only son, His beloved son, to death and darkness for a relationship with the whole of creation who had abandoned, deserted, and broken His heart. The bliss of watching His son grow and develop into a King, a humble servant, and a sin-free giver of life shattered when he watched his son tortured and sacrificed. Sometimes I would like to ignore this reality. Like God certainly didn't feel the pain we feel when we lose someone we love. If He did feel it, how could He allow us to experience it over and over again. I wish I knew the answer to that question. But I have to believe He does know the pain. He knows it not only from watching His own son die a gruesome death, but because He witnesses the loss of His children to death, brokenness, addictions, hatred, bitterness, guilt, bondage, darkness, and sin each and every day.

I don't think realizing that pain is unavoidable when one risks loving is any comfort. It is no comfort to me. I want to run, retreat, and hide to avoid the pain. The mystery of love is incomprehensible. The realization that I can testify to is that I won't know what I don't know until I know. I know that I have been loved and that I desire to share love. It won't look like what you think it should, or often times what I think it should. The way I am called to love may be misunderstood and it may be complicated. And sometimes, I will be way off track, wrong, and misguided. What I offer may be rejected, and I will have to come to terms with the pain that is left when that happens. But I want to keep finding out what I don't know so that I can know.