Mixed emotions as Easter approaches. Though the temps have been warmer, today's gloom feels like it casts a shadow on Spring's arrival. I have seen the flowers start to bloom, and I have been impressed with the lightening of moods in the kids I work with as they get to blow off some steam outdoors. So, it might just be the imminent arrival of anniversaries of all sorts of events, both happy and sad that constrain my heart.
I won't go into the details of the loss of friendships over the past year. But they do still weigh on my heart. I kind of thought that a year would make it all a reality and I wouldn't still feel that heaviness or sadness. But that isn't the case. In fact, the pressure of thinking I shouldn't feel anything anymore tightens my chest and makes me wonder what is wrong with me that I can't move in and out of circumstances and relationships the way that is dictated by culture and social norms. Why does it still hurt?
Then there is the loss of lives that have been a part of the past year. From the oldest, to the youngest, they have each captured a place in my heart. For the most part, I can think of each of them and know that God worked through them and in them to bring about His glory and love here on earth. The fact they are now with God means they have achieved their reward and are with all the saints in heaven reconciling His love with their lives. So there is a peace and comfort I experience when I think of them in heaven. Though I do avoid thinking of their absence in the lives of those they loved here on earth. I can only imagine the pain is too intense to even begin to fathom.
Anniversaries are celebrations and times to remember, but they also generate feelings of grief and regret. For all the times and moments that have been missed or lost, an anniversary can be a painful reminder. For the inability to forget what was said and done, an anniversary deepens the wound left unhealed by the passing of time. I can't count the tears shed in the past year by those who have seen the harsh realities of hell on earth. So for all of those friends near and far, and those who are no longer friends but distant acquaintances, I will mark the year by adding more tears. I will spend countless moments and immeasurable energy subduing the longing that beckons me to reach out and beg for forgiveness and ask for acceptance. And mostly, I will pray that the pain that rips at each of our hearts will be reconciled with the peace and love of Christ. I will pray that His joy will replace the sorrow, and His goodness will multiply as each moment passes. My sadness is not without hope for myself or those that I love and miss. I do hope for abundant blessings and strength in the face of suffering. I do rejoice in the memories of those who have impacted my life and through whom I know myself more completely. I just miss them and love them.
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