Grateful

Challenges continue to be a regular part of each day. Sometimes it is a simple challenge, like; what will I make for dinner (Or rather, how can I get out of making dinner). Then, there are the medium sized challenges, like; how should I respond to the question from my daughter, "Why are those two people living together, but they aren't married?" Then there are the bigger challenges that require no visible action or response, but chew away at my day, occupy my thoughts, and tug on my heart.

It's not just the challenge of why bad things happen to good people. I get that. I know that God gave us free will, and so some people will choose to do things outside the scope of what God can protect us from. Then there are the freak accidents that are not a result of any misdeeds or lack of faith or obedience. I also know that He will make good things come for all those that believe in Him. Even the worst nightmares in life, God can work in to make some good. That isn't much comfort in the midst of confronting the pain, grief, and loss that we face here on earth. But, it is truth and I can at least recognize it as such. It's more the challenge about how to live moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day in the midst of dealing with the grief and loss, the pain and the torture, and the confusion and frustration of a reality that is often times not of our choosing and most definitely not in our control.

Often times we are forced into pain because others fail us, or we have unintentionally failed them. This is a difficult place to be. Fear, anger, frustration, and confusion lead us into questioning ourselves, those we love, and even God. In the questioning, we wonder who is responsible, who caused the brokenness, how will it feel better, was it all a lie, or when did the lie start? How much of what we thought "was" reality, was really a fantasy we developed in our own mind, or was a lie from the start. Sometimes, there are fruits of the labor that prove it wasn't all a lie. For instance, children are a beautiful reality of a marriage or a relationship. Regardless of divorce, death, or separation; a child represents a reality of a connection that can not be denied. Sometimes, the reality is represented in an object, or in a picture. Sometimes, the reality is just a memory of what we thought was. Clinging to this reality, we question how it could be that what was so real, is no longer.

Sometimes, there are moments of truth, but the relationship as a whole was a lie. Perhaps, the truth was there all along, and due to no fault of either party; it is ignored or denied. Trying so hard to live a reality of truth that is not at all what is intended eventually catches up, and the pain of the fractured reality finally causes irreparable damage. Of course, there are those times when truth was beautiful and real, loving and supportive; but due to painful outside stresses, the relationship deteriorates or changes. I imagine this is the more typical issue.

People change, develop, grow, or regress as time goes on. It feels like we should be able control who we become or who those around us become. And certainly, we should do things to move in a direction that is consistent with our hearts, as God envisions and desires. I am not always sure that we as communities do much to support this effort. In a world of technology, advanced communication, higher expectations with lower levels of communal support, and beliefs that success and social stature mean more than consistent love and acceptance; couples are not given a whole lot of support in the effort of living and growing as a couple or even as their own individual. Ugh. It is a challenge. Just an immense challenge to negotiate relationships of any kind in this world. It is a "one breath at a time" kind of challenge.

I am appreciating more and more those friendships that are flexible and loving, regardless of the circumstances. They know me. They know my heart. They accept me, defend me, support me, and challenge me to be the best person I can be. Sometimes that is telling me things that I don't want to hear, and even more difficult, telling me things that I don't want to accept. But, they do it because they love me. They want me to be free to love in the ways that I can. Sometimes, I have to hold back what I want to do for what I need to do. Luckily, I have great friends that know this about me, and can help me recognize when I am falling into a habit that might deter me or put my heart at risk.

Grateful doesn't even begin to describe my thanks for these friends. We are given a few of these friends at any given time. To really be able to invest in friendships to this level, you can't have too many. I have 2-3 who are a part of my heart to this extent. Sometimes, those friends change, depending on the life stage, or season that we are experiencing. It is a part of life. God provides what and whom we need when we need them. It is hard to realize and accept that the stage of a friendship that was once so deep and reliable, is in a new place. I struggle with whether there was validity, truth, or substance in some friendships once they have past. I don't think it will ever be easy to accept the loss of relationships in my life.


But, I am so grateful for the dear friendships who continue to stand the test of time. They grow and change and accept. I pray that God will continue to use me to love my friends in a way that makes Him proud to be my Dad.