Just a moment

It may all be catching up to me today. I want to cry and pout and yell and scream. The people I could usually rant to are nowhere to be found. I am left to battle in my head or frighten my husband and children with the tone that causes fear and trembling to anyone within ear shot of my voice. I am so sad to know this is a part of who I am. So many deep breaths, so many prayers lifted in an effort to soften these edges that are stubborn and ugly. The shame of knowing the intensity of my own dark nature overwhelms me in this moment. I want to disregard it and pretend that I am something more than what I am. Unfortunately, today, the reality is that I can't escape my own self and the destruction that I create.

There are so many things that I know are true. Jesus has forgiven me, and He loves me despite my humanity. There are so many people who have witnessed the extremes of my nature and found it in their hearts to forgive me. I am so grateful and totally undeserving. I wish I could live in the heart of who God created me to be, instead of the unworthiness of the darkness that I am. It is in moments like this that I can so clearly understand why unreconciled relationships remain a part of my life. This recognition is not a response to the self-loathing that I may be presenting at this moment. But rather, it is a clarity that reveals itself in my weakness. I can't expect anyone to willingly be a part of the reality of my brokenness.

There will be many who will want to comfort me and ease the pain that seems to threaten my contentment, trust and faith. Rest assured, I am not faltering in my faith in the One who does accept and love me, just as I am. We can all live in the light, or at least proclaim to live in the light; but, there will be moments of darkness. That is what this is. A moment. We would all like to avoid these moments. I know I would like to. In fact, I would like to deny that these moments ever enter my consciousness. But, dear friends, that is not the case. I do have dark moments filled with fear, anger and disbelief. I am acknowledging this moment because I need your help to lift me up. I don't need your affirmation or your praise. But, I do need your prayers. Prayers of encouragement and patience. Prayers for a softening of the edges of my heart, with its thorny hedges that prick and cut those who know it the best. I will claim the forgiveness that is so readily available, and I will apologize to those who bare witness to the ugly parts of my personality. When these moments come, the tears of sadness quench my soul's thirst for the living God. His acceptance and love will lighten the darkness and renew my strength.