Pretty Pictures

I kind of wanted to blog about how grumpy I have been today. Things didn't go my way, and I was more than a little upset about it. I know I am a grown-up. We are supposed to know how to handle bad days, disappointments, and aches in the pits of our souls. Well, at least that's what I thought. But, I am not going to spend my blogging session on the sadness, or the frustrations. I want to share some pictures of beauty and joy that remind me that I am still a child.

I see something special in the eyes of my friend. Through pain and struggles, she has adapted to a path all her own. Where there was darkness, lies, and despair; there is now a glimmer of light and promise. It isn't the promise of a pain free life, or an easy, unhindered path. It's the promise of hope that comes in knowing that there is a light so much brighter than the darkness. Maybe it is the light she sees in the eyes of the young people around her. Maybe, it is the spark that sets her heart on fire when thinking about the future which offers a brighter experience than the past. Whatever brings this reality of hope, I pray it continues to ease the suffering of the past. I pray it encourages her well-worn heart to keep trying to live in the joy that He created her to be for Himself, and for those who love her.

My heart has been renewed by the light in the eyes of my friend. She spoke to me in my darkness and reminded me of His love when my heart hurt too much to remember for myself. Her words, her deeds, and her acceptance transformed moments of gloom into moments of blessed assurance that I am His and He is mine, no matter what, and always. This is no easy task. The thoughts and beliefs that each of us allow to run rampant in our darkest moments, are not always "truths". They aren't realities that we can claim as our own. They are our shadows, our darkest selves trying to be heard and understood. That doesn't mean they are "truths". Just as a child would say, "I hate you mom. You didn't let me get the ice cream cone at the store."; our darker sides would like to perpetrate hate against us so we can feel ashamed for not being all that we want or need to be. The child doesn't really hate us, they are mad. So too, we become mad at ourselves and live in that moment; with the lies, and the hate. But, I have felt loved, and accepted even in my darker moments by a friend who could see God's gifts in me when I was unwilling to receive them. I do see the joy in her eyes, and I am thankful.

Perhaps the most profound joy and peace I have experienced lately has been when I have stopped to look at my daughter. I don't mean that my son isn't full of this light and life that I am about to explain, but my awareness of his spirit has been more defined in the past. He is a few years older. He has a defined personality that I get. It isn't complete and it's not perfect, but I get it. It is full of the complexities of mine and my husband's best and worst attributes. And, then, he has an essence that is all his own. It is fun seeing him come into his own.

But, my daughter has been changing right before my very eyes over the past few weeks. Her laugh, her smile, her tears, and her light are all moving in directions that are different and unique. They are completely beautiful and joyful. The purity of her tears is a sight to behold. She feels and responds with such intensity and integrity. She relays stories and experiences in such vivid detail. Not only does she retell them, but she explains and comments with her insights and interpretation. I am intrigued and mesmerized. Never did I imagine being a part of someone who has such beauty and potential for good. Her life reflects an outlook of love and appreciation that makes me proud to be known as her mom. I don't know how much responsibility I can take in this great development of a person. But, I will look into her eyes and know that my darkest moments were not in vain.

Blessings for today were not observed without a great deal of tears. I cried out of sorrow for those that I miss; for the life that is that I don't understand; for the pain that I cause in other's lives; for the loneliness I experience when I feel unheard or misunderstood. But, it is an honor to live and love through this confusion. It allows me the opportunity to appreciate, honor, and learn from the joy and light of the people with whom I walk this path. I am lucky to have such beautiful pictures to remind me of who I am when I don't have the energy to see it for myself.