Feelings: good or bad...

I have found joy today. It is taking some effort to remind myself to keep looking and to remember it, but I did find it, several times. Not sure why this evening is proving difficult in remembering these joys. Reading some great books that have really got me thinking, and I think "thinking" can sometimes inhibit the joy that comes in just "being". Both books, (yes, I am reading them at the same time), would agree with my assumption. One takes the angle of the physiological make up of the brain, and the other takes the angle of the emotional spectrum and how those feelings affect daily life.

Empathic people generally feel what others feel. They are attune to what is happening on a metaphysical plain, and they often reverberate the emotions of those they are around. Good thing, right? Sometimes. However, without proper guidance, direction, and awareness, being empathic can lead you into chaos. It is easy to get absorbed in the emotional states that others are experiencing. Though that leads to a certain amount of empathy, it can also lead to a great amount of confusion. I am not sure I am all that empathic, but I do believe that I can easily associate with the emotions that others feel. I want to connect with people. I want to know their pains and triumphs. The upside is, I laugh a lot. It is easy for me to enjoy the joy in others. I can easily gain energy and enthusiasm just being in a room with people who are expressive and passionate. They don't have to be speaking to me directly in order for me to "feel" the energy.

The downside, I easily absorb sorrow and pain. This is not to say that I understand the pain or have lived through it, but I can relate to the emotion and quickly move into the realm of darkness and sadness. Many of my close friends know this from first hand experience. You have stood by me as I related to the pain in those that God offered in my path. Diane, you in particular, know from several summers of turmoil how easily I could enter the chaos of suffering and need to find resolve or at least a sense of purpose in the midst of it. It's so interesting to now realize that it is a manageable personality trait that needs to be cultivated and directed. God gave me a heart to feel, and to feel intensely. He has also equipped me with the ability to learn from past experiences and to grow in faith while experiencing pain and sorrow.

It is no one's fault that I so easily entered the confusion of those in my midst, or maybe it is my own confusion that prompted the response in others. I have no doubt I entered relationships with the very best of intentions. But, without understanding, and awareness; I quickly delved into the chaos and pain of the moment. I felt the suffering, the pain, the confusion, and I entered into those moments making my own life full of pain, confusion, and suffering. God bless those who walked beside me in these moments. My family, my friends, my church. They are the ones who could see the disorder and chaos in which I was trying to exist. This realization is so not about those with whom I was in relationship. It is about God's voice in my life today and His directing me to open to His awareness instead of relying on my own. Nowhere in this do I feel like I am being punished or directed to not feel. If anything, I am encouraged to develop the qualities that He has given me so He can use me to His purpose.

There are spiritual, physiological and emotional explanations for why I feel and respond to life the way I do. What I wish for right now is the opportunity to rebuild, develop, sustain, explore and build relationships that would glorify God. So many times, I think I know what that means. I have a spiritual "call", or a "divine" or "inspired" relationship to cultivate. There must be something "spiritual" that I am meant to gain. That may very well be true. God also wants me to laugh because life is funny. He wants me to "feel" the great depth of emotions that He has allowed us to experience. For the past while, (maybe 2 years or so), I have felt like I am not supposed to feel, not supposed to respond or trust who I am or who God made me to be. I have felt that for good reason. My responses caused pain to others. It wasn't intentional. God has forgiven me, and I pray in time, I will be forgiven by those who felt such pain by my actions and words.

It would be easy for me to take the past and categorize my responses as "good" or "bad", "black" or "white", "sinful" or "righteous". In reality, I don't know if I know the difference sometimes. God purposed me to do something in this world, and only He is prepared to sit in judgement of how I fulfill His work in my life. Even those very behaviors which could be condemned as "wrong" served a purpose to His plan. He knew me before I walked this path, and He created me with all that He imagined. He prepared my heart for the joy and the sorrow. He knew I would walk in this humanity making mistakes and struggling. He also knew that the love He had for me is greater than any mistake or misdeed that I could ever do or be blamed.

Maybe this is just me trying to justify my humanity; my flawed, evil, and weak spirit that seeks comfort and relief from pain without experiencing the suffering which will grow my spirit into the soul He created me to be. Either way, I find myself this evening wishing I could accept the truth, forgive the past, and walk in the light of His love. I also seek to apologize for the chaos that I might have brought into the experiences of others. I didn't mean to be a stumbling block or a hindrance. My lack of awareness and ignorance could certainly have been the rock in your path that made you stumble and fall. I pray for your heart and mind as well, that you would accept the truth, forgive the past, and walk in the light of His love.

So, what does any of that have to do with the books I am reading, or why I am struggling to keep the joy at the forefront of my mind? Both books are reminding me to breathe. To breathe in His spirit and to breathe in the strength of who He made me to be. They are also teaching me that I need to balance breathing in His spirit and remaining this world of human failure and misunderstanding. This balance of who we want to be, and who we are, is not easily maintained. It doesn't make sense sometimes. So, prayers for strength and understanding for you as you strive to balance; whether in darkness, or light, I pray you will see God's work in your life.