Merry Christmas

My prayer for each of us is to not take only this one day to cling to the hope and promise offered through the gift of God's son, but that we would each grasp and hold tight to the truth that enables us to love beyond the limits of our own heart and mind's understanding. I can't shake the thought that our world is meant to know so much more about acceptance and value of each other; not based on ideology or religion, economics or politics, but based on a love that supersedes all human understanding. At Christmas time, we are presented with opportunities to slow down the pace and focus on family, friends, and food (sorry, you and I know it's true). In the verses sung and heard through carols and songs throughout the world, we are reminded of our humanity, and God's awesomeness and abundance. I have sung this verse, recited it in my heart, and prayed it for my family and friends with a fresh awareness and eagerness.

Truly He taught us to love one another. His law is love, and His gospel is peace.
So often I find myself lending my own judgment and rationale into situations and circumstances that have absolutely no bearing or credence to anything. If only I could be reminded in those moments that God's call for me is to love, just love. I am not called to make choices for others, or decide if the choices they make are right or wrong. My call, God's call for each of us, is to love one another. I am so encouraged that He isn't asking me to carry another's burden, but to love them and to reconcile my actions with His heart of love for all people. I can't wait to follow where He leads. So often I think I need to know where that is. But I ask you to pray for me as I let go of the "need to know", and just follow Him into the next minute. I look forward to experiencing the peace that comes from loving under the rules of God's love.

Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother. And in His name, all oppression shall cease.
I love the visual of chains breaking. Can you imagine the clanging of chains falling to the ground? Can you imagine hearts of brokenness and humiliation, degradation and anger dissolving into common hearts united in serving one another? Not for the benefit of a paycheck or acclaim, but just because we belong to each other, as family. I would love to hear those sounds! I ask you to pray for my heart. There is brokenness and pain that separates me from my family, friends, and neighbors. Some discord I know so well as they are circumstances stamped into my soul as constant reminders of my own human failure and inability. And yet, there are circumstances, where in my own ignorance and lack of awareness, I have caused chains of hurt and sorrow that I don't know how to address, let alone break loose. Such pain is what so many hearts struggle to understand and reconcile.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we. Let all within us praise His Holy name.
Maybe it's the response to love and freedom that erupts into song that I most relate to in these lyrics. I do imagine singing each and every day with a freedom and ease that will make my high C's not sound like a dying cat. It's a lot to ask, but, I have a feeling that's what will happen on the day I leave this world and enter into the realm of peace and joy that God designed for each of us when He created the world, but which we can only experience when reconciled with Him. What thrills me even more, is that all the folks who look at me like I am a dying cat when I sing those high notes, will potentially appreciate my singing, and may even respond to God's goodness in like fashion. I am currently imagining a few people who claim to not have such great voices, all of a sudden, opening their mouths and hearing a beautiful, glorious sound erupting from deep within their bodies. Shock and amazement, and some pretty hilarious expressions.

Christ is the Lord. Oh, praise His name forever. His power and glory evermore proclaim.
In the beginning, and in the end, this is indeed the truth. Christ is the Lord. God loved us so much, He gave us His son, Jesus, in the form of a baby, to walk this world. He knows each need, He loves each of us; just because...no matter what...even if...! No matter what scenario you use to fill in the blanks, He is still going to love you, and He is still going to love me. I assure you that I have tested the limits of His love through my own behavior, ideology, judgment, criticism, hatred, brokenness, and my humanity. I know that I am not done testing. As surely as I sit here writing of this great love for Him, and my awareness of His love for me; I know that I will stray into darkness in thoughts, words, and deeds. Some of this darkness will appear as light that I will enter ignorantly. Some will have blazing red neon lights with the words, "DANGER", "STAY OUT", "NO TRESPASSING", or "DO NOT ENTER". And still, I will look around and think, "Are you talking to me? Surely you don't meant that for me." God will love me even then. Please pray for me to see those warnings, and to turn to His light instead of walking into the darkness of my own human need and desire. His law is love, and His gospel is peace. That is the light that I choose this night. It is beautiful and warm. It is safe and secure, and it is a place that each of us can claim, moment by moment. My prayer is for your heart at this moment to abide in His love, and choose to love in response.

I love you, I miss you, and I wish you a very Merry Christmas.

When I grow up...

When I grow up, I want to be an eyebrow designer/sculptition (this may be a new term, but I am running with it). Now, I know there may be a few that don't think I am equipped for this profession. But, I have been considering what I can do with my life, and this is a viable option. Let's consider the pros.

I am fascinated with pores on the face. I know it's kind of gross. But, ever since my friend Kim introduced me to the magnifying mirror and tweezers that she keeps under lock and key, I have found unparalleled joy in examining the pores on my face, and the subsequent hairs that protrude from them. Since moving to Texas, I haven't gotten my eyebrows waxed or professionally sculpted. I have been maintaining proper eyebrow design on my very own. It is a nightly ritual, (sad, but true). Paying close attention to the natural bone structure seems to be a specific talent that I could bring to the field. I also have a particular gift at spotting the gray hairs that would like to infiltrate the brown eyebrow hairs that God clearly intended for me. In addition to attention, I bring a natural desire to be with people.

Greeting folks and putting their fears at ease would come naturally. But, perhaps what excites me most is being able to be paid to inflict pain on people. I won't dwell on this little detail, it's just not going to paint a good picture of me. But, I will say, I think I could keep a smile on my face, spread some hot wax on the very sensitive skin around the eyes, then apply a cloth gently, and without wincing, quickly rip it off. I would, of course, apply some pressure, and if requested, some skin sensitivity lotion to reduce the redness and irritation. I am not heartless. I wouldn't go pull people out of the mall and force them into my chair, and subject them to pain with the very small benefit of a better arch. But, for willing participants, I would gladly subject them to pain and suffering all for the cause of a better eyebrow arch.

Now, I do realize, I may have some deficits that would be hindrances in obtaining this goal. A small matter of...my shaking hand syndrome. Though it is well managed, and almost indistinguishable, (especially since I have eliminated many of the stressors contributing to more intense bouts of the syndrome), it could definitely be a deterrent. Also, though I am very attentive to the fine details of the facial structure, I am easily distracted. I could easily set that burning hot wax right in the middle of an eyebrow, causing rather unattractive results. I do realize that earning a living in the field would require efficiency, thereby allowing service to more clients per hour. My desire to get to know people might require more time and commitment to relationships that a typical eyebrow designer would have allotted. Adjustments in my expectations of client development would need to be adjusted. Or, adjustments in income expected would be necessary.

As you can see, there is much to consider. Growing up is never easy. When making decisions about career paths and skill development, there is much to think about. I suppose having a break from the music, movement, and madness of my routine has provided me this opportunity to consider what to do with my life. I will continue to ponder this in my heart and praying for God's guidance. I encourage you to join me in praying. Especially if you live in the Abilene, Texas area. You would be my training ground. This is a skill that would be transferable to many communities, but Abilene, you have a large role to play in my success. I will need willing participants to aid me in the effort of my design/sculptitionist career goals.

O Holy Night

Today I was listening to O Holy Night on the radio, and it was as if I was hearing it for the first time. I mean, I could totally sing along with it, because I sing it every Christmas, (even years when I don't sing it publicly, I perform it for at least myself). It is one of the songs sung by the person who inspired me to learn how to sing. I would sit in awe each Christmas Eve as this beautiful woman sang gloriously the words that I couldn't begin to comprehend the meaning. Even today as I listened, I was struck by the poignancy and the magnitude of the poetry.

O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining. It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.
Can you imagine the beauty of that night? We think of the one star that shined so brightly that it literally marked the very spot where the Lord was born. But, the entire sky was filled with stars. The tapestry of the sky paid testimony to the miraculous God who was giving this world, our world, the gift of life, everlasting life.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining. 'Til He appeared, and the soul felt its worth.
We are still in this world of sin and error. But, the gift given that first Christmas night can be realized not just at Christmas time, but ANY time. Because of the one gift from God, through Jesus Christ, our very souls can feel the worth inherited through the King that was born. He walked this world of sin, of error pining, and He knows what each of us struggles with through our inherent human weakness.

A thrill of hope, the eager world rejoices; for yonder lies a new and glorious morn.
It's true. But it seems so hard to believe. Doubt threatens to steal the thrill, the awe, the wonder, the truth of this glorious morn. We can't know it until we accept the gift, and we don't know if we should accept because it is new, uncharted territory. And, if truly honest, it's scary. It's scary to believe that the foretelling of a new and glorious morn, the promise of value and worth, is really based on stars in the sky, and an infant King.

Fall on your knees. Oh, hear the angel voices; oh night divine, oh night when Christ was born.
After the poet, Adolphe Adams, describes the excitement, the joy, the splendor of the night, there is a request for action. There is an urgency in the phrasing. I have had very few occasions to fall on my knees. Only in the midst of such overwhelming beauty and hope would falling to one's knees be warranted. But the request doesn't stop there. We are to hear the angel's voices. Oh, to have been under the star and hearing the angel's voices heralding the arrival of this baby, this King. What more could one do than fall to one's knees. Speechless, overwhelmed, fearful, hopeful, joyful, scared; emotions that capture the hearts and minds during the arrival of new life.

Dear friends, our God offers new life every moment of our day. Though we remember the arrival of Jesus each Christmas, imagine these lyrics heralding the moment of awareness when each person realizes the thrill of hope, the rejoicing, that a newborn King came to this world, and gave Himself; for you, your brother, your sister, your friend, your enemy, the stranger, the foreigner, the poor, the wounded, the lonely, the rich, the mighty, the weak, the somebody, the nobody, and every lost person that roams the world looking into the sky for hope that their soul is worth the precious gift of the King.

This anthem rings in my ears, vibrates in my vocal chords, and resonates in my heart and mind. It is too much to comprehend and yet, it is so real that I feel it to the very core of my being. As I ponder the richness of truth so beautifully offered through the gift of poetry and music, I have to stop and thank God that the truth is as real as the notes on the page and the stars in the sky. It is beauty and joy manifested in each of our hearts because of the Holy Night that our Lord God thought so highly of us, that he was willing to reconcile our hearts through Jesus Christ, his only son. Ruminating on this first verse inspires me to fall on my knees and listen.

Letter from Jesus

Letter from Jesus about Christmas --

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up... It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5 Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary-- especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember

I LOVE YOU, Merry Christmas.....
JESUS

Gut instincts (not really what the blog is about, but I really liked the picture)

I wish I were a poet. Though I am thankful that God gave me my voice, and allows me to use it in a variety of arenas, I have recently encountered the most beautiful poetry. When I read it, I hear songs; and I feel the emotions expressed. It's amazing. Sometimes I hear lines of poetry in my mind. Usually in the middle of the night, I create lines of words that seem to flow together like poetry. Mostly, that happens when I pray. I now completely understand why my student, (the great poet I am referenced earlier), walks around with a binder. She is totally prepared when the moment strikes, when her creativity explodes.

If only we could all harness the words and the feelings running rampant in our hearts and minds. Too often, I find myself expressing thoughts at inopportune times, with very little tact. Certainly, I don't have to be a poet to do a better job of timing my expressions. But, I have to believe if I organized my words to better represent my thoughts and feelings, I may end up with a better relationship on the other side of the discussion. So many conversations I can't take back. The words struck with such force and intensity they now live within the heart of a loved one who should never have been forced to endure the initial shock, or the lasting repercussions.

I wonder if you struggle with that predicament. Have words ever flowed off your tongue and out your mouth, only to have your heart and mind instantly recognize the timing, meaning, and tone were so far from your intended thoughts? But, as quick as the realization, comes the pain in the eyes of your unintended victim. The sting of pain, hurt, and sadness penetrate the expressions of one who stepped into the path of the verbalization of insecurities and fears. Sometimes when words are spoken, even in the heat of a moment, they do accurately reflect thoughts and intentions. I don't mean to suggest we should all walk around second guessing ourselves when we speak. I far prefer the immediate response, in the moment, than an over-thought, contrived, or rehearsed script.

Side note: I am so bummed I didn't purchase the book Gut Instinct when I was at Books-a-Million today. It was on this very subject. I guess it got me thinking. The author's ideology heavily influenced the recent best seller, Blink. Too good.

Tonight I am contemplating the use of words. So much more goes into a thought than just the word. Tone, timing, and tempo all surround a word, influencing the meaning and feeling expressed. I guess that's more the issue then. I love words, and use them TOO often, both through speaking and writing. I would be wise to reduce the number of words used, and consider more thoroughly the influences surrounding the words.

Though I am not a poet, I do think I will begin walking around with a notebook so I can write things down as they come into my head. Maybe, I will feel less inclined to write and speak in the venues provided through technology (facebook, blogging, email, phone calls). I will be able to write when the moment arises, then upon reflection consider the tone, timing, and tempo that would best articulate my feelings. This tool may not turn me into a poet, but, it may provide the much needed limits on my communication that might make people around me more comfortable. Recognizing my need for interaction and connection with others may infringe on the lives of those around me; I am committed to trying to limit and restructure the tools I use to express myself.

Currently that "restructuring" makes me feel very claustrophobic and confined. Looking at myself under a microscope doesn't amplify the beauty of my nature or character, but rather highlights the flaws and imperfections that I too often want to ignore or deny. I know I am fallible, difficult, "needy" (I don't know why I am using quotations. It may be my desire to keep that awareness at a comfortable distance, rather than claiming it fully.), and that my thinking often doesn't fall into the spectrum of "normal" (see above rationale for use of quotations). Bring on the notebook, and the great poetic renderings of my favorite author, and we will see how God works to make adjustments in my style. Pray for me, and for those around me. (It's not easy struggling in my own skin; not easy for me, or for those around me.)

Trembling

It is late. I should be sleeping. My heart is...trembling. It isn't a feeling I get very often anymore. It has been on the verge of it for some time. But, it is actually hitting this very moment. It isn't the heavy hearted feeling that comes when I am longing for the familiarity of people and the past. It isn't the excitement that comes when I am looking forward to adventures. I could describe it as the mix of those two feelings. But, really, this trembling comes when I am sitting at the feet of my Father and I know He is working in a deep, inexplicable way. I felt it a few years ago. I was praying with a group of young people (3rd to 5th graders) when we were at overnight camp. It was an impromptu opportunity to take advantage of the quiet stillness of the youth after a moving worship experience.

We had finished singing and were ready to dismiss students back to their cabins. I invited anyone who wanted to stay and be prayed with, to stay. More than half of the group stayed. It was a moving, life changing experience for me. It was God, living and breathing through me. I trembled in His presence. I eagerly responded to His lead and I wanted to hear the hearts of those kids. I wanted to pray for their hearts, their futures, their very relationship with the Almighty. To think, God chose me, at that moment, to follow Him into the hearts and minds of these special young people who were seeking Him. My heart trembled in that moment, and it trembles tonight.

But, tonight, I am not at camp, in the midst of candlelight. I am in my living room, with a tree that shines with strings of light. I spent time chatting with a friend, who is so dear to my heart. Knowing that God is in the heart of this friendship, I stand trembling at what He is doing. With awe, excitement, fear and trepidation, I again bow at the feet of my Father and pray how he would use me, and how He would teach me through life's moments. How do I stay awake, alert, and alive? How do I stay close enough to Him to not need or want to be on my own? How do I share His heart when my human heart is fallible?

This trembling is exciting. I love feeling so vulnerable and eager to follow His call. But, along with the excitement is fear. So in this moment, as I tremble with wonder and awe, pondering the magnitude and strength of an Awesome God who even considers me worthy enough to call me "beloved"; I pray for forgiveness. God, forgive me when I have stubbornly rejected and revolted against You and Your ways. When my heart became hardened and unyielding to Your direction, Lord, I ask for Your complete and all encompassing forgiveness. For the moments yet to come, I pray for the hearts and minds of those with whom I interact. May our hearts connect and mingle in ways that God will bless in unfathomable ways. I trust Your goodness, and that You want our hearts be full and joy filled. I pray that my heart will tremble at the love that others show me through their laughter and through their tears. God, make us all vulnerable, like Your son when he was born into this sinful world. In His sweet entry into this darkness, Jesus epitomized the fresh, innocent, and tender disposition with which we are meant to approach You. Breath of Heaven, fill me with your life and love.

Good Day

Sometimes I have one big thought that I am eager to ponder and sift through, but I can't get any part of it out coherently because I don't know where to begin, or how to tie it together. So, today, I will sift through my thoughts that make no sense together, but somehow have made their way into my mind, and given me much to think about.

1. I buckled this evening and finally turned on the heat. It wasn't because I was particularly cold, but, it is supposed to drop to 19* tonight, and that seems pretty chilly. Though I may not be cold now, I am thinking that the morning might be pretty miserable. I did it. The heat is on. The initial smell that comes when the flame is lit and the fan turns on now wafts through the air.

2. My mom thanked me for a fun day. We went to church, finished getting the house ready to host the high school choir students, served 37 youth after they had been caroling for two hours, cleaned up after the fun, went to Julia's children's program, and celebrated Jared's birthday with his family, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. We were moving from 7:30am-9:00pm. She thanked me for the fun day. I was nervous that she may be overwhelmed with the crowds of people. But, she was grace-filled and beautiful. I love having my mom here.

3. Julia sang beautifully this evening. She had a solo during the program, and she was amazing. It's hard to explain the pride I have for my children. It isn't that I am proud because I have done something to cause their success or ability. But, rather, I am so proud that they have independently chosen to pursue experiences and activities. They both had straight A's on their report cards, they both performed in A Christmas Carol, took classes at the Abilene Performing Arts Company, and eagerly participate in church activities. Chris and I provide support and the framework (or at least we try) so they can pursue their passions and priorities. They initiate and self motivate to get things done. I am so thankful they both love music. To see my daughter choosing to praise God, to know that she learned that music and lives the words she sings; that gives my heart a peace, a pride, and a place to abide with joy.

4. Singing "Mary Did You Know" this morning in worship was an experience that I will recall for years to come. I stood singing these words of awe and splendor as the composer and poet put together the sentiments that so easily could have been Mary, or any other mother at the first moment of seeing their precious child. I felt it. From my own memory, I knew that place of wonder. The amazement and miraculousness that inundates me at the sight of a newborn child is breathtaking. In sharp contrast to that breathtaking joy, the realization that there are children struggling to breathe on their own was very real this morning. A 4 day old baby girl, Emery, born with a heart defect will undergo procedures and potential surgeries to empower her to take a single breath with ease and comfort. This beautiful little girl lives this very moment with the same potential and innate abilities to do miraculous things. Emery's momma will look in her eyes and feel the same hope that Mary felt when she gave birth to Jesus. How can any mother endure knowing the pain and suffering their children will persevere through? Yet, God in His infinite wisdom and strength empowers each to sustain them through the darkness of the night while bringing hope in the light of each day.

5. Giving is the gift. I saw someone post today the question, "Why do we give gifts to each other at Christmas? Isn't it about Jesus, shouldn't we be giving to Him?" Yes, indeed, Jesus is the gift. The gift God gave to each of us, and the gift which we must accept in order to appreciate and experience. Right? God offers us the gift of His Son, but we must accept and own it before we receive all the glorious blessings that gift has to give. When we accept the gift, we can't help but want to share it. I want to give gifts to those I love, because God loved me so much that He gave me Jesus. In abundance and in deprivation, I know that I am loved and that I have a gift that nobody can ever steal, beg, or borrow. Thankfully, I can share and give it to others without losing any part of the blessing.

6. I can hear the voice of my dear friend singing in my ear, "Breath of Heaven". It is beautiful, full of life, and it is an unexpected gift this day shared. As I sang with the high school youth, and heard the voices of the sweet children in the choir, in the back of my mind, I could hear the voice of my friend. It reminded me of the goodness of giving, the innocence of new life, the preciousness of friendship, the joy of music, and the essence of the season. I am praying this evening that the very spirit of the living God that pours over me will move in miraculous ways in your life. I pray that each of us will see the miracles in the eyes of babies, in the voices of children, in the energy of our youth, and in the enduring love of our Father.