I wish I were a poet. Though I am thankful that God gave me my voice, and allows me to use it in a variety of arenas, I have recently encountered the most beautiful poetry. When I read it, I hear songs; and I feel the emotions expressed. It's amazing. Sometimes I hear lines of poetry in my mind. Usually in the middle of the night, I create lines of words that seem to flow together like poetry. Mostly, that happens when I pray. I now completely understand why my student, (the great poet I am referenced earlier), walks around with a binder. She is totally prepared when the moment strikes, when her creativity explodes.
If only we could all harness the words and the feelings running rampant in our hearts and minds. Too often, I find myself expressing thoughts at inopportune times, with very little tact. Certainly, I don't have to be a poet to do a better job of timing my expressions. But, I have to believe if I organized my words to better represent my thoughts and feelings, I may end up with a better relationship on the other side of the discussion. So many conversations I can't take back. The words struck with such force and intensity they now live within the heart of a loved one who should never have been forced to endure the initial shock, or the lasting repercussions.
I wonder if you struggle with that predicament. Have words ever flowed off your tongue and out your mouth, only to have your heart and mind instantly recognize the timing, meaning, and tone were so far from your intended thoughts? But, as quick as the realization, comes the pain in the eyes of your unintended victim. The sting of pain, hurt, and sadness penetrate the expressions of one who stepped into the path of the verbalization of insecurities and fears. Sometimes when words are spoken, even in the heat of a moment, they do accurately reflect thoughts and intentions. I don't mean to suggest we should all walk around second guessing ourselves when we speak. I far prefer the immediate response, in the moment, than an over-thought, contrived, or rehearsed script.
Side note: I am so bummed I didn't purchase the book Gut Instinct when I was at Books-a-Million today. It was on this very subject. I guess it got me thinking. The author's ideology heavily influenced the recent best seller, Blink. Too good.
Tonight I am contemplating the use of words. So much more goes into a thought than just the word. Tone, timing, and tempo all surround a word, influencing the meaning and feeling expressed. I guess that's more the issue then. I love words, and use them TOO often, both through speaking and writing. I would be wise to reduce the number of words used, and consider more thoroughly the influences surrounding the words.
Though I am not a poet, I do think I will begin walking around with a notebook so I can write things down as they come into my head. Maybe, I will feel less inclined to write and speak in the venues provided through technology (facebook, blogging, email, phone calls). I will be able to write when the moment arises, then upon reflection consider the tone, timing, and tempo that would best articulate my feelings. This tool may not turn me into a poet, but, it may provide the much needed limits on my communication that might make people around me more comfortable. Recognizing my need for interaction and connection with others may infringe on the lives of those around me; I am committed to trying to limit and restructure the tools I use to express myself.
Currently that "restructuring" makes me feel very claustrophobic and confined. Looking at myself under a microscope doesn't amplify the beauty of my nature or character, but rather highlights the flaws and imperfections that I too often want to ignore or deny. I know I am fallible, difficult, "needy" (I don't know why I am using quotations. It may be my desire to keep that awareness at a comfortable distance, rather than claiming it fully.), and that my thinking often doesn't fall into the spectrum of "normal" (see above rationale for use of quotations). Bring on the notebook, and the great poetic renderings of my favorite author, and we will see how God works to make adjustments in my style. Pray for me, and for those around me. (It's not easy struggling in my own skin; not easy for me, or for those around me.)
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