Ouch, Thorns Hurt

You know when you're doing something and the whole time you are doing it you're thinking, "I should not be doing this right now." I think I relived that moment over and over today. The moment that most epitomized this was when I was pruning rose bushes and cutting back grasses. I had been running around from teaching to doctor's appointments to tennis lessons to grocery shopping and finally arrived home. I needed to take groceries in and take garbage out, but I became fixated on one thing. Pruning those roses.

So, in my heeled sandals, my capri pants and my turquoise blouse I got the clippers out and was on my way. The groceries sat patiently in the car while I sank deeper and deeper into the soil in my cute little sandals. Not only did I not have proper footwear on, but I decided I didn't need to have gloves on either. Guess what? Roses have thorns; sharp, pointy, ouchy thorns. There were thorns in my thumbs, thorns in my arms, thorns on my legs. You would think after the first one jabbed me I would have gotten some gloves. But, no, I just kept at it. Even the dead portions of the rose bush had thorns. Crazy. That is just crazy. Ouchy.

As I kept pruning, I noticed how the branches were intertwined. Live, green, fresh growth mixed with brown, ugly, dead limbs. I don't know how I thought it would look. I guess I figured once the plant had died, it would lose all its substance, all its potential. But, it still hurt. I could have protected myself from feeling its sting. In some areas of my life I am very practical and bright, in other areas, not so much. I kept reaching my unprotected arms and hands into the dead branches. I was so happy to clear it away and see the fresh green, red growth that meant I would see flowers soon.

The dead parts of the plant didn't keep the rose bush from growing. The dead branches, and the live branches were intertwined. That is how it works sometimes. Death still hurts though. Even when you see the fresh growth, new life, and all the potential that is just waiting to spring forth; the part that is dying still causes pain. I can't explain why some things have to die, or the timing that death takes. Today I found out that my dad is not going to have anymore chemotherapy for his lung cancer. The doctor is calling in hospice care. I am relieved, and yet, very sad. Sadder than I thought I would be. It almost feels like life and death are intertwining in my dad's body. There are parts of him that are so alive. His wicked sense of humor, his quiet yet firm discipline, his short tempered responses to his own limitations are all as powerful and alive as ever. But, parts of his physical body are dying. Air isn't moving in and out of his lungs, he is weak, shaky, and tired.

I can't imagine what it was like for him to say to the doctor that he didn't want to do chemo again. He is not a quitter, nor one to avoid a challenge. I think the past 7years have been his way of proving that he was stronger and braver than anyone ever knew. We all already knew it though. We wish he didn't have to go through this long, ugly illness. I am proud of him for fighting. He will continue fighting, just in a different way. Instead of medical interventions, he will fight with his sense of humor, his pride, and his loyalty to those who love him. It is painful watching him suffer. It is like when I stuck my hand into the rose bush. It scratches and pricks my heart to see the struggle. The beauty that is intertwined with the death of this disease isn't evident right now. But, I don't doubt that there will be life in the midst of the loss of his physical life.

I am afraid to go pick up the dead branches that I cut away today. They are in a pile next to the freshly pruned rose bushes. Life and death right there in the midst of the garden. Tonight I will go to sleep wondering if my family is afraid too. We will go through this together, and I know that my dad will find beauty in seeing us stand beside one another. That is the the life and the beauty that will grow when God prunes away the suffering and pain of this long disease.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Hiccups, I have hiccups. Just like my dad. He had hiccups for the 6 days he was here. Funny how the little things in life are what I remember. Some people remember the hard times, the ugly, the sad times. Some remember life's moments as better than they were. I guess it depends on your general outlook.

I was recently told that when my friend remembered the past, all that was remembered were the hard times, the times that hurt, that rejected, that were angry and insufficient. The funny thing is, after initially deciding to spend time away from this person, I too remembered those moments. The hurt feelings, the inability to satisfy or fulfill needs, the constant falling short and incapability were all I could remember of our friendship. But, now, I remember so much more.

It is much like I felt when my dad was away for awhile. I could remember the pain and suffering he caused, or I thought he caused. I could remember the sadness that he caused and the frustration of unmet needs. I remember the shame and embarrassment. I remember sitting on the steps outside of the "double" we lived in, and thinking that person is the one who made the mistake, not my dad. He could never. Then when the reality hit, I could think of all the disappointments and ways that he fell short. It was like the reality of life was ever present and tangible.

Then time passed on. People walked beside me and loved me for who I was and where I had come from. I didn't have to prove that I wasn't what everyone expected or considered. I was just me. I excelled in particular areas, and fell short in others. There was no judgment based on where I had come from or where I might end up. My fear, of course, was that someone might find out that I wasn't as good as they thought I was. Someday, they would find out that I was flawed and ill-equipped. But, the ones who loved me, continued to love me. There were definitely those who fell by the wayside. They were unable to separate me from my circumstances. But, the sweet friends and families that forgave, loved, and accepted our family showed me that love is not something that has to be earned based on behavior, but is given based on the goodness of the One who came before and reconciled all things for His glory.

So as time has passed I have not just seen the pain of past relationships and experiences, I have seen the growth and the gifts that came from and continue to develop from the experiences. I remember so clearly the time at Thanksgiving that I yelled at my father, "You have no right to criticize me or think you know who I am or what I have been through. You weren't even here." I remember so clearly the time I yelled at my friend, "I will always regret allowing you to be a part of my family and our life. I will never get this time past and I will always know that it meant nothing."

Oh, to take back the words of bitterness and pain that drove nails of suffering into the hearts of those I love. I wish I could take them back, or offer the words of truth and realization that validates the truth of love and care that I know became a part of who I am because of who they were in my life. My heart does indeed break. Life is moving forward and I can't take back the words, or relive the times that divided our hearts.

Luckily, my daddy loves me and forgives me. He knew I had a right to be angry. He also knew that he loved me and would always reconcile his heart to mine. He would be patient and he would accept the pain that I need to express. He did so willingly because he was and is my dad. I don't know if he ever knew how angry I was at him for the shame and embarrassment that felt like a shroud of darkness clouding my every success and accomplishment. But, I do know that he forgives me for being angry. I forgive him for not knowing how to do things differently. I hope he forgives me for not knowing how to accept and move forward in joy.

I know that other relationships don't have the inherent trust, compassion, and strength that family bonds have. When you find someone that connects to your heart, you know you have been gifted with something unique and special. I have had several relationships that have been such gifts. Even the ones that have moved into new seasons provide a shred of truth and preciousness that are nothing short of God's presents to me. I do rejoice for being able to experience love, acceptance, and joy in the midst of the friends that have walked in and out of my life. The frustration I feel from not having honored them, or not having appreciated them in the midst of life will be washed away one day. Moment by moment I sense God's goodness reassuring me that He still loves me even though I didn't know all the right things to do. I wish His forgiveness meant forgiveness would be granted by others. I do pray that one day forgiveness will be given. I know I am eager to receive it.

Until that day, I will cry on occasion. I will pray fervently for my dear friends who deserve goodness and joy all the days of their life. So many emotions ranging from joy and thankfulness to pain and loneliness are interspersed throughout my day as I reflect on who God has allowed to touch my heart. God will sustain me and reconcile all things in me, with me, and through me. Gratefulness and appreciation for His goodness towards me is a constant reminder that I must allow Him to lead, and I must follow. If left to my own devices I would run to those whom I have injured and beg at their feet for forgiveness. One day, I hope I get a chance to ask for forgiveness for the pain that I have caused and the friendships I have destroyed because my human nature tarnished and destroyed the gift I was given.

God is good, all the time. I know my dad is suffering, but that he will will soon be held in the arms of his mother who went to be with Jesus on Mother's Day in 1996. They will together stand before Jesus and rejoice in the legacy that God gifted to them. I know that even though I can't rejoice with my friends who are no longer with me, I will praise and give thanks for the goodness that God is giving them. I will beg him to replace the pain with feelings of gratitude and appreciation for having had a season in my life which grew my heart and character in ways that I never could have imagined. I do miss my dear friends. Their memories may be filled with pain and bitterness of the time we were given to share, but as time has gone on, I realize the depth of beauty that I was able to see and experience because God loved me so much to allow me to feel, share, and love in a way that was so much more than I ever imagined. As I move forward, I will express my love and appreciation to those who accept and love me. I thank each of you for caring for my heart. Please know, wherever I am, you have made a difference. Don't let anyone tell you that your life didn't matter or influence me. Even when I cried, I was being grown and stretched. I only hope that my heart was being shaped into the image of God whose heart breaks and suffers for each one of us.

I love you and miss you.

Quick thought

I am really tired and it is 12:40am. But, I have to get this out before I go to bed. I am thankful. So thankful for the friends who know my heart and love me despite what they know of me. I didn't really know what it meant to be so loved and cared for. My parents have always been exceptional at caring for me. No matter what I did or how I did it, I knew they loved me and would support me. I had the great pleasure of seeing this kind of love lived out in a friendship.

I didn't know in the midst of the relationship what a gift it was. But now that it is gone, I can see how much my heart was grownd from experiencing and exchanging care and acceptance. Chris and I have always had a unique love for one another. We have so much in common, and are very in sync with how the other sees life. We are blessed to struggle through this world together. Even the things we don't understand are areas that grow our hearts closer together. Recently, God gifted me with a unique friendship. The season for it has come and gone, but the benefits still live on.

I am able to understand and acknowledge my own need for deep relationships. Knowing that, I can invest and receive care that I might have otherwise disregarded. I thought I could do it alone. I thought I could get along with just Chris and the kids. And though I know they will always be the core of who I am and what I need, I accept that I want to know and love others. That being said, I need to be able to do that with friends who are willing and able to accept and share in a mutual friendship. I understand that God has to guide and direct which friendships are beneficial. Those relationships will change and grow or cease to exist. But, God has given me just what I need, when I need it. I miss the friend who grew my heart to understand the complexities of deep friendships. But, I know she needs different people. I am happy that I was able to learn. Now I can see that God's plan for me has unique and specially designed relationships in mind for me. I am excited to know that there are indeed people who know me, and still love me. It has been a great realization that I can just be me. Not only my family, but my wonderful, dear and loyal friends will accept me.

So, thank you good friends. I look forward to living life and loving you. God has placed you in my path for a reason. Though I may not always be capable, equipped, or fit to serve you, I will love you and pray for your hearts with all that I am and all that God empowers me to be. For those who have come and gone, good bye. You have loved me and and shown me who God is through your words and deeds. I am sorry that we are no longer meant to be in each other's path. But, I am trusting God that you are where you need to be, with whom you need to be, and where He can best nurture your heart. Great things are in store for all of us. I rejoice in that truth. My tears will only flow for the pain that I know burdens each of our hearts.

If life were a song...

I felt fortunate this weekend to experience several moving moments. Music has a way of transcending place and time. It soars above the monotony of life and gives glimpses of times past or times yet to come depending. Sometimes I take for granted how lucky I am to be able to really "experience" music. I have never been a bystander or an observer. I love, hate, grapple, rejoice, laugh, cry, and feel the music. It is an action, an experience. It is not a sound that moves across my life and passes by without affecting and changing me. Even the music I don't understand or don't appreciate has a way of weaving its way into my moments and entangling itself in my mind and heart.

The recital I saw last night was extraordinary. Not just beautifully sung, but poignantly communicated. Knowing this performer as a musician, a mom, and a friend, I knew the intricacies and challenges that were maneuvered to get the music learned and performed. That only made me appreciate the effort, the beauty, and the performance all the more. As she sang her Ravel pieces, 5 Greek Songs, I had this awareness, this image, this perspective that was new and intriguing. It may just feel that way to me because music has always been such a huge aspect of my life. But, I would like to think that everyone can relate to this, even if they don't know music as an integral part of their life.

I imagine my life being a song. It isn't just the words to the song that would cause me to claim it. It may be a piece that has never been composed. It may not have any words (though that would be extraordinary and highly unlikely). What struck me last night, and again this morning was how each song, each musical piece has some similarities that remind me of how life works. Each piece is a little different. Each has a different path, a different tone, a different length, a different feeling or expression.

Each piece has a landscape that is all its own. Much like the terrain of each of our lives, a song represents highs and lows, chaos and order, rest and movement. Of course a four minute song would seem to not be representative of the vastness of a lifetime of experiences, I saw it as a quick snapshot of life. The key chosen is like our disposition or natural inclinations. Some of us are optimists, some pessimists, some extroverts, some introverts, and some move through all of these inclinations throughout a lifetime. That is just how a piece of music evolves. It doesn't always stay in the same key, it will have moments of major tonalities and then minor tonalities. Sometimes it changes keys and modulates into an entirely different place. (So for my non-musician friends, happy sounding music is in a major key, sad sounding music is in a minor key. When music builds and strengthens and then you start singing just a little bit higher, it's because the key has modulated upward. This mini theory lesson is brought to you by Miss Rosie who loves 3 year olds and generally explains life in their terms. Please know this is not meant to be condescending.)

Sometimes a song is transparent, and the listener only hears one voice. Other times there are multiple notes synchronized together playing simultaneously. Then there are moments of silence when rests build tension through the absence of sound. Tempos (speed) vary, dynamics (volume) increase or decrease, sometimes the meter (the order of beats) changes and everything feels a little disjointed and off. Don't you feel that way about life sometimes? Sometimes we feel alone, unsupported. Then there are the moments when it is totally void of meaning. Life can feel like it's racing by, or it can feel like a season lasts for an indeterminable amount of time. The volume of life can be unsettling if it is too loud or too quiet. But the elements of music are all there. A measure of chaos in the music may represent the years of confusion and lack of understanding.

I wonder if composers feel that way as they are writing their music. They are going measure by measure creating clusters of sound that harmonize a melody and bring meaning to the notes on the page. I wonder if they know what the ending will sound like when they begin. Do they hear the piece in its entirety, or is it revealed measure by measure? Do they hear the dissonance and work feverishly to resolve it as I attempt to do with the moments in my life that are uncomfortable, unorganized and confusing? Or do they hear a the resolution as quickly as they are hearing the dischord and comfort themselves in knowing how it will turn out? I wish that was how it worked in my life. I want to know when the key changes how it will pave it's new melody through my life. I want to know how many measures will be unsettled and when I will end up feeling the comfort of the original key.

However, many pieces move in and out of the original key but never really find it as home. I think that is representative of my life sometimes. I know where I have been, what felt like home. I spend my time trying to find my way back only to realize that is not where I am supposed to be settling. So I strike out again. Music's great complexity is what it is because of the silences surrounding it. We would never recognize its greatness, beauty, dischord, harmony, or anything if it weren't for the silent moments before it begins and after it ends. Those brief moments of excitement that lead into the performers initiation of sound. The audience knows they are about to be privy to a moment in time that exists for them in that space and time. If the sound went on continually without a beginning or an end, we would never know that we were being granted a gift. That moment the music finds its way to its last beat and everyone and everything stops, we recognize the completeness of thought and sound. Whether it is a sound of order or chaos, the moment that silence arrives, we know there is completion of something.

Couldn't my life be like that, like a song. I don't mean to linger on the "end", but rather the creation of moments in between and how they are fully expressed. Not all the notes of a song are equally distributed. Nor are all the moments in our life. We are called to live out the moments with fullness and intention. Though an eighth note is shorter than a quarter note, if the eighth note isn't played, then the music will not sound the same. So are each of the experiences in our life. Whether it is a brief second, an hour, a day, or years, each phrase and letter that builds each sentence deserves to be fully experienced. There are always parts of a song that "feel" better, or sound better than others. There are those places in a song that resonate throughout our bodies and senses. I also can fully relate to the places, the sections in a song that are so uncomfortable, so atonal, so ugly that I close my eyes and just pray for the music to stop or resolve.

I don't know what sounds the song of my life will be filled with. Is it in a major or minor key. Is it all forte (loud) or piano (quiet). Will it sound the same way in my head as it does to the audience or the participants in the work? How many measures of dissonance will go by before the resolution and peace return? How long will the song go on? Clearly I am writing my song measure by measure. I don't hear the ending or even the next pitch that needs to be played. All I know is that right here, right now, my music is...

Bitterness

This picture is not at all representative of the content of this blog. I just think that looking through pictures reminds me of the feelings that are most prominent in my life. As I share the darkness in the places in my heart, I also offer you this picture of contentment and joy that I feel towards my family and friends who I am fortunate enough to live life with. But currently, I am struggling with emotions of bitterness. Admitting this is not what I want to do, nor is it what I want to share. In fact, everything in me tells me that this is not what I want people to know about me. As a Christian, and as a positive person, these feelings are not what I want to admit to. Trusting God in all things, I know that these emotions are not the responses He wants me to feel or act on because they show a lack of faith. But, I am writing and admitting to these emotions in hopes that through expressing them, and then receiving prayers lifted up by you, I will move through this phase and cling stronger to the truths that I know and believe.

Bitterness is not a delightful taste. It stings a bit and makes your lips and forehead purse together in a cringe like way. Then there's the after taste of bitterness. Nasty. But when that nastiness is felt in your heart rather than experienced by your sense of taste, there is a greater impact. I admit it. It has been a struggle for me to dissuade this nasty emotion from entering into my mind and heart. I look at the way that life is unfolding and I cringe and withdraw. The bitterness of it all makes me revolt and turn away from opportunities and relationships out of fear that I won't be able to hide the ugliness of my heart which is distorted by bitterness. I see life through the unrealistic frame that is a response to judgments and criticisms that seem to have pierced deeper into my soul than I could have ever imagined. Even after having tasted time and time again the sweetness of grace, mercy, and love shared between mutually beneficial friendships and kindnesses, I still tend to interpret life through the bitterness of past experiences that cause me to question who I am and how I feel. I let it go, and find myself confronted with the same pain and sadness repeatedly when injustice and the harsh realities of life and the lies of this world intrude back into my frame of reference.

Then, I realize, letting go will be a constant action for my heart and mind. When God clearly mandates change by breaking the hold of security, that, though only a perception, dictates and guides decision making; you know you have to let go. I have questioned and repeatedly tried to re frame relationships and situations to fit back into the scope of what I want. But, God clearly has spoken through behaviors and decisions made by others that I am not meant to be a part of this time and place that has so strongly guided and provided for peace and joy. I have no doubt that there will be peace and joy in my future, and even in this very moment. I have been afraid to let go out of fear that I would hurt those I love. But, pain that I fear I have caused is no longer the guiding factor in decisions that are being made. It would be so easy if were based on the fears I have. I would apologize, reconcile, and nurture a new direction. But, the two way street would not be open for business. On the other side of my fear is the anger, bitterness, or total lack of feeling and willingness to adapt and change to a new course. Energy has been given, hearts and minds have been changed, and choices to disengage are clearly motivating factors in this new step in life.

Bitterness, it is as painful to discuss as it is to admit falling susceptible to. I want more from my heart than to have this ugly response. It will be a fight that I won't win on my own. I need you, my friends, to lift me up and challenge me to continue seeking God's goodness in all things. God has great plans for me and my family. The greatest dreams that I could have for us don't compare to what He will actually give. The strength of the bonds of friendship that I share with so many will be the legacy for this season in our life. I will have to accept that the sadness and loss of parts of who I thought I was, and who I wanted to be, are a part of the plan that God has for me. Even this bitterness God will use to transform my heart for His good plan. So as I cringe at some of the bitter thoughts, instead of coiling away, and hiding; I will gently and faithfully lift them up to God and ask for his mercy and grace to change them into thoughts of His goodness.

At all times, in all ways

What was is no longer, and what will be is yet unknown. But today, I am thankful for family and friends who love and support me regardless of the circumstances, dramas, and stresses. I have not chosen you, but you have chosen me. For that, I am blessed. I know God has established relationships and disintegrated relationships in order to protect and love me through the joys and pain of this time in my life. Enjoyment and understanding has not been relevant. Acceptance and trust is what I must cling to and acknowledge. I have to admit that sometimes, these truths are what my mind knows, but my heart revolts against. Wishing and praying for what will make me feel better has not been what God responds to. Instead, it is the prayers of acceptance and strength that have created comfort and growth.

I don't want to hurt when I think of those relationships and situations that are no longer available or beneficial. Somehow, I think I should still be a part of things that I am no longer meant to be involved in. I wonder what I did wrong or how I destroyed the goodness that seemed so beneficial. But, then I am left to wonder if I was wrong all along. Did I pursue my own dreams and desires and disregard the spirit that works within and among me? Either way, I am where I am. God was with me and is with me. At all times, in all ways, He is here. Even when He is silently grieving a decision or celebrating in a choice that brought Him glory. I know he wants my tears to pool at His feet. He is not angry or revolted by my sinful nature. He accepts me and loves me just as I am. There is peace and comfort in knowing that He is in control. I no longer fear taking my pain to Him because I know He is the only one who will truly understand my heart.

I am weak and fallible. He loves me and I love Him. The sadness of the days gone by and the days yet to come will all be accepted and welcomed by my God who can sustain me through all things. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief. Please, take the pain and sadness that comes with the regrets and sorrows. The bitterness that creeps into the crevices of my mind and heart and threaten to seperate me from you are not of You. So, please, take it and secure my thoughts in Your truths. I love you and thank you for the goodness and grace you have so willingly given.

Hold your breath

That's what I just said to my dad,
"I'd say, "hold your breath", but you don't have much breath to hold onto."
Kind of inappropriate as he struggles through the ugly disease of lung cancer. But, if we didn't laugh about it, we'd be crying. Isn't that the way life is sometimes. I have asked my dad repeatedly if it bothers him that we laugh about how this disease has progressed. He continually reassures me that he is glad to offer some joy. He is still dolling out his fair share of humor and sarcasm. I am so amazed by his strength.

I mean, he is really not physically strong anymore. That is the hard part of seeing him. He has always been a person of such physical strength. He is slight in build, but his strength is imposing. You can see it in his eyes; not afraid of anything or anyone. Sometimes, this has gotten him in trouble. I know this quality, this trait. It has been passed onto me, and all my siblings. Sometimes it is something I am not proud of. We each have a way of expressing ourselves that deteriorates boundaries of age, status, and position. I get frustrated that I have so few filters sometimes, but other times, I am grateful that I see everyone as worthy and valuable. In addition to his physical strength, my dad's quick wit and mental keenness challenges the brightest people to keep up. I love that about him. He is smart. Though he didn't finish high school and got his GED instead, he can still out think me when it comes to math. He can argue with me, sympathize with me, challenge me, and put me in my place. I love that about him too. Sometimes, I haven't appreciated it. But, now, I am most thankful to know that he sees me and knows what I need. I don't need to be indulged; I need to be challenged.

I am afraid for my dad, and for my mom. This is an ugly disease. I wonder how long he will have to endure and how weak he will become. I am afraid for what life will look like when he is gone. I am afraid for how we will manage to move forward and support our mom. She is showing us how to endure suffering and support those you love, no matter what, and even if... But, I don't want to see either of them hurting. I do realize how lucky we are. Some people don't have the opportunity to communicate with their loved ones when they leave. They have to deal with the unspoken thoughts, and the spoken thoughts that caused separation and division. I have the very great gift of reconciling any unspoken thoughts, fears, dreams, and divisions that might have burdened my heart for years to come.

I am thankful. There are such great blessings in knowing that my dad is a fighter and my mom is a faithful, loving wife. I have a great legacy to live up to. Right now, the pain of seeing my dad's life dwindling is overwhelming. It is hard to focus on much else. And yet, there is a lot happening that I need to focus on. I guess that is a reality I had not yet been challenged with to this extent. I know life goes on, and change happens regardless of those that come and go in our lives. But, I want to savor this time with my family. I am forced to encounter the realities that I wouldn't want to face on my best day, let alone on this day when my lips are swollen, my basement is drying out from a water infiltration because kids were playing water fight, the sink leak that manifested itself with a houseful of 9 adults and 9 children, the 5 page paper that is due on Wednesday and the assignment due by midnight this evening. Don't worry, I am done with the assignment and have written 4 pages worth of the 5 page paper. Life is full of great and wonderful experiences. It is also full of ugly, painful realities that only God is strong enough to see you through.

I pray for each of you that goodness, joy, and love are a part of EVERY experience you are blessed to experience. For those realities that are too painful to go alone, I pray you have Jesus who loves you, pursues you, and accepts you right where you are. No matter your flaws, your insecurities, or your deep, dark hidden secrets; I pray you know and feel the love of a great God who empowers you to live through each moment with dignity and grace. This is my prayer for you and for myself on this day. Wherever our path leads, wherever we are fortunate enough to experience life, I know that mercy and forgiveness are already granted. I will start anew tomorrow, and I pray that you will do the same.

Vulnerability

What a long weekend. I have had so many thoughts creeping in and out of mind. Some have brought smiles to my face, and others have caused pangs in my heart. The thought that keeps returning is that of vulnerability. The vulnerability of Christ, the vulnerability of humanity, and how differently we respond.

We sang with dear friends in Indiana on Good Friday. The music was profound and the experience was much needed and welcomed. In music, I tend to find the most transparent, most vulnerable moments the most engaging and touching. This work was no different. There were times of unison that required complete submission to the sound of the whole group, rather than our individual voices. Then there were moments when the voice was unsupported by accompaniment that required singers to listen, agree, and trust. Those are vulnerable moments for singers.

Then there are the vulnerable moments that we encounter as people; sickness, death, grief, sadness, loneliness, fear, depression, hopelessness, the list goes on. Those moments when comfort and security are lost. Those moments we run from and avoid. Those moments which leave us frozen, hiding, withdrawing or escaping. We don't want others to see us in moments of weakness. Of course, there are some obvious public arenas where vulnerability is acceptable and expected. Funerals, weddings, baptisms, what else? I am sure there are more, but these are generally hour long occasions and once passed, the details and actual "work" and "living" that those moments represent are not to be discussed too in depth.

I don't mean to sound cynical, and I am not saying this is always the case. There are those exceptions of people who are willing to stand beside, invest in, and see through the highs and lows that are the real life circumstances that occur after the conclusion of the rituals. Those people who really mean "How are you doing?" and are willing to listen, laugh and cry with you. I think most people want to be able to do that, but it is not always possible or wanted. Sometimes we just don't "see" the need or think that we have anything to offer. Sometimes, people don't show that there is a need. We are taught to not show vulnerability. It is safer, more acceptable to put on a happy face, smile through the pain, say "It's ok." when we are really crumbling inside, deny there is a problem, or go it alone. In fact, we learn through experience that we can not depend on others or rely on others to get us through. For Christians, it is God that gets us through. Other faiths may rely on their Higher Power to sustain them. Then there are those who believe in their own strength and ability to handle whatever comes their way.

But, on Good Friday, all I could think about was how vulnerable Christ must have felt as He walked the road with His cross. Stripped of clothes and bleeding, broken, humiliated; Christ was vulnerable. He was exposed, beaten and deprived of basic decencies. And yet, it is in those moments that we honor Him and recognize not only His humanity, but His power and love for us. In His vulnerability were we redeemed. Yes, He was God and therefore more than we will ever be. But, I wonder if there is something to this transparency and vulnerability that we should learn from. His rising from the dead was the ultimate proof His disciples needed, (us included) to know He was who He said He was. It is the miraculous nature of God to be able to bring life to the dead. But, the gift we received was generously offered in His suffering and death.

Not to dwell on the darkness of our own sin, though it is as strong and ugly today as it was the moment that He died on the cross; I want to honor the example of His complete and utter willingness to share His moment of suffering with each one He loves. He had His time in the Garden, alone. It was too much for His disciples to stay awake praying. Life is indeed too intense sometimes. We are weak. I can easily relate to those disciples who didn't recognize the importance or needs of that moment. Christ needed to be with His Daddy; asking questions, seeking reassurance, needing strength and love that only God was able to provide.

The denial was foretold at the last supper, as was the betrayal of Judas. Can't help but identify with those characters as well. I can recall the times I have denied loving and caring for people because I was told it wasn't acceptable. Some of my greatest sadness comes in realizing that out of my own bitterness and anger at being rejected, I have denied and withdrawn from those I love. Despite the love that was or wasn't offered in return, I denied and rebelled against friends, family, and God. Then there is Judas who betrayed God with a kiss. I have been guilty of betraying my God, myself and those I love. Sometimes the greatest betrayals can be done through gestures of kindness. Though Judas' betrayal was concerted and self-serving, I can relate more to the betrayals that come because I haven't stopped to seek God first in my actions and decisions, but rather my own desires. I meant to be kind, I meant to be loving; but I didn't understand, or didn't realize that my actions would be hurtful. Never intending to cause pain, doesn't mean that the action wasn't painful. (This is a tangent I should not get started on. I am deeply regretful, and hopefully will one day be forgiven for the pain I have caused. It was not an intentional betrayal or a concerted effort to inflict pain. It was ignorance and my humanness.)

However, when I look at Jesus in this moment of his life, He was vulnerable. You could see His pain, and He offered it with dignity and grace. He didn't hide and He didn't run away. He walked forward. Though no one could take this pain from Him, not even God; He lived and died for you and me. I am thankful and prayerful for those friends and family who walk through pain and suffering each day. Though we don't always wear the bruises or the wounds openly, we walk through crowds of bystanders who will never understand the suffering. When the initial trauma is long passed, and the celebration of life is finished; when the world says it is time to be strong and hide the pain; when being vulnerable is not an option; I know that God sees and knows our suffering. We have a place to be vulnerable where judgment and ridicule, expectations and responsibilities will be laid aside. Comfort and strength from the One who gave His life that we might live and die is what we can receive when we are vulnerable. Jesus proved through His death and resurrection that God is present in the darkest moments, and brings light and life from the shadows.