Hiccups, I have hiccups. Just like my dad. He had hiccups for the 6 days he was here. Funny how the little things in life are what I remember. Some people remember the hard times, the ugly, the sad times. Some remember life's moments as better than they were. I guess it depends on your general outlook.
I was recently told that when my friend remembered the past, all that was remembered were the hard times, the times that hurt, that rejected, that were angry and insufficient. The funny thing is, after initially deciding to spend time away from this person, I too remembered those moments. The hurt feelings, the inability to satisfy or fulfill needs, the constant falling short and incapability were all I could remember of our friendship. But, now, I remember so much more.
It is much like I felt when my dad was away for awhile. I could remember the pain and suffering he caused, or I thought he caused. I could remember the sadness that he caused and the frustration of unmet needs. I remember the shame and embarrassment. I remember sitting on the steps outside of the "double" we lived in, and thinking that person is the one who made the mistake, not my dad. He could never. Then when the reality hit, I could think of all the disappointments and ways that he fell short. It was like the reality of life was ever present and tangible.
Then time passed on. People walked beside me and loved me for who I was and where I had come from. I didn't have to prove that I wasn't what everyone expected or considered. I was just me. I excelled in particular areas, and fell short in others. There was no judgment based on where I had come from or where I might end up. My fear, of course, was that someone might find out that I wasn't as good as they thought I was. Someday, they would find out that I was flawed and ill-equipped. But, the ones who loved me, continued to love me. There were definitely those who fell by the wayside. They were unable to separate me from my circumstances. But, the sweet friends and families that forgave, loved, and accepted our family showed me that love is not something that has to be earned based on behavior, but is given based on the goodness of the One who came before and reconciled all things for His glory.
So as time has passed I have not just seen the pain of past relationships and experiences, I have seen the growth and the gifts that came from and continue to develop from the experiences. I remember so clearly the time at Thanksgiving that I yelled at my father, "You have no right to criticize me or think you know who I am or what I have been through. You weren't even here." I remember so clearly the time I yelled at my friend, "I will always regret allowing you to be a part of my family and our life. I will never get this time past and I will always know that it meant nothing."
Oh, to take back the words of bitterness and pain that drove nails of suffering into the hearts of those I love. I wish I could take them back, or offer the words of truth and realization that validates the truth of love and care that I know became a part of who I am because of who they were in my life. My heart does indeed break. Life is moving forward and I can't take back the words, or relive the times that divided our hearts.
Luckily, my daddy loves me and forgives me. He knew I had a right to be angry. He also knew that he loved me and would always reconcile his heart to mine. He would be patient and he would accept the pain that I need to express. He did so willingly because he was and is my dad. I don't know if he ever knew how angry I was at him for the shame and embarrassment that felt like a shroud of darkness clouding my every success and accomplishment. But, I do know that he forgives me for being angry. I forgive him for not knowing how to do things differently. I hope he forgives me for not knowing how to accept and move forward in joy.
I know that other relationships don't have the inherent trust, compassion, and strength that family bonds have. When you find someone that connects to your heart, you know you have been gifted with something unique and special. I have had several relationships that have been such gifts. Even the ones that have moved into new seasons provide a shred of truth and preciousness that are nothing short of God's presents to me. I do rejoice for being able to experience love, acceptance, and joy in the midst of the friends that have walked in and out of my life. The frustration I feel from not having honored them, or not having appreciated them in the midst of life will be washed away one day. Moment by moment I sense God's goodness reassuring me that He still loves me even though I didn't know all the right things to do. I wish His forgiveness meant forgiveness would be granted by others. I do pray that one day forgiveness will be given. I know I am eager to receive it.
Until that day, I will cry on occasion. I will pray fervently for my dear friends who deserve goodness and joy all the days of their life. So many emotions ranging from joy and thankfulness to pain and loneliness are interspersed throughout my day as I reflect on who God has allowed to touch my heart. God will sustain me and reconcile all things in me, with me, and through me. Gratefulness and appreciation for His goodness towards me is a constant reminder that I must allow Him to lead, and I must follow. If left to my own devices I would run to those whom I have injured and beg at their feet for forgiveness. One day, I hope I get a chance to ask for forgiveness for the pain that I have caused and the friendships I have destroyed because my human nature tarnished and destroyed the gift I was given.
God is good, all the time. I know my dad is suffering, but that he will will soon be held in the arms of his mother who went to be with Jesus on Mother's Day in 1996. They will together stand before Jesus and rejoice in the legacy that God gifted to them. I know that even though I can't rejoice with my friends who are no longer with me, I will praise and give thanks for the goodness that God is giving them. I will beg him to replace the pain with feelings of gratitude and appreciation for having had a season in my life which grew my heart and character in ways that I never could have imagined. I do miss my dear friends. Their memories may be filled with pain and bitterness of the time we were given to share, but as time has gone on, I realize the depth of beauty that I was able to see and experience because God loved me so much to allow me to feel, share, and love in a way that was so much more than I ever imagined. As I move forward, I will express my love and appreciation to those who accept and love me. I thank each of you for caring for my heart. Please know, wherever I am, you have made a difference. Don't let anyone tell you that your life didn't matter or influence me. Even when I cried, I was being grown and stretched. I only hope that my heart was being shaped into the image of God whose heart breaks and suffers for each one of us.
I love you and miss you.
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