Bitterness

This picture is not at all representative of the content of this blog. I just think that looking through pictures reminds me of the feelings that are most prominent in my life. As I share the darkness in the places in my heart, I also offer you this picture of contentment and joy that I feel towards my family and friends who I am fortunate enough to live life with. But currently, I am struggling with emotions of bitterness. Admitting this is not what I want to do, nor is it what I want to share. In fact, everything in me tells me that this is not what I want people to know about me. As a Christian, and as a positive person, these feelings are not what I want to admit to. Trusting God in all things, I know that these emotions are not the responses He wants me to feel or act on because they show a lack of faith. But, I am writing and admitting to these emotions in hopes that through expressing them, and then receiving prayers lifted up by you, I will move through this phase and cling stronger to the truths that I know and believe.

Bitterness is not a delightful taste. It stings a bit and makes your lips and forehead purse together in a cringe like way. Then there's the after taste of bitterness. Nasty. But when that nastiness is felt in your heart rather than experienced by your sense of taste, there is a greater impact. I admit it. It has been a struggle for me to dissuade this nasty emotion from entering into my mind and heart. I look at the way that life is unfolding and I cringe and withdraw. The bitterness of it all makes me revolt and turn away from opportunities and relationships out of fear that I won't be able to hide the ugliness of my heart which is distorted by bitterness. I see life through the unrealistic frame that is a response to judgments and criticisms that seem to have pierced deeper into my soul than I could have ever imagined. Even after having tasted time and time again the sweetness of grace, mercy, and love shared between mutually beneficial friendships and kindnesses, I still tend to interpret life through the bitterness of past experiences that cause me to question who I am and how I feel. I let it go, and find myself confronted with the same pain and sadness repeatedly when injustice and the harsh realities of life and the lies of this world intrude back into my frame of reference.

Then, I realize, letting go will be a constant action for my heart and mind. When God clearly mandates change by breaking the hold of security, that, though only a perception, dictates and guides decision making; you know you have to let go. I have questioned and repeatedly tried to re frame relationships and situations to fit back into the scope of what I want. But, God clearly has spoken through behaviors and decisions made by others that I am not meant to be a part of this time and place that has so strongly guided and provided for peace and joy. I have no doubt that there will be peace and joy in my future, and even in this very moment. I have been afraid to let go out of fear that I would hurt those I love. But, pain that I fear I have caused is no longer the guiding factor in decisions that are being made. It would be so easy if were based on the fears I have. I would apologize, reconcile, and nurture a new direction. But, the two way street would not be open for business. On the other side of my fear is the anger, bitterness, or total lack of feeling and willingness to adapt and change to a new course. Energy has been given, hearts and minds have been changed, and choices to disengage are clearly motivating factors in this new step in life.

Bitterness, it is as painful to discuss as it is to admit falling susceptible to. I want more from my heart than to have this ugly response. It will be a fight that I won't win on my own. I need you, my friends, to lift me up and challenge me to continue seeking God's goodness in all things. God has great plans for me and my family. The greatest dreams that I could have for us don't compare to what He will actually give. The strength of the bonds of friendship that I share with so many will be the legacy for this season in our life. I will have to accept that the sadness and loss of parts of who I thought I was, and who I wanted to be, are a part of the plan that God has for me. Even this bitterness God will use to transform my heart for His good plan. So as I cringe at some of the bitter thoughts, instead of coiling away, and hiding; I will gently and faithfully lift them up to God and ask for his mercy and grace to change them into thoughts of His goodness.