Hold your breath

That's what I just said to my dad,
"I'd say, "hold your breath", but you don't have much breath to hold onto."
Kind of inappropriate as he struggles through the ugly disease of lung cancer. But, if we didn't laugh about it, we'd be crying. Isn't that the way life is sometimes. I have asked my dad repeatedly if it bothers him that we laugh about how this disease has progressed. He continually reassures me that he is glad to offer some joy. He is still dolling out his fair share of humor and sarcasm. I am so amazed by his strength.

I mean, he is really not physically strong anymore. That is the hard part of seeing him. He has always been a person of such physical strength. He is slight in build, but his strength is imposing. You can see it in his eyes; not afraid of anything or anyone. Sometimes, this has gotten him in trouble. I know this quality, this trait. It has been passed onto me, and all my siblings. Sometimes it is something I am not proud of. We each have a way of expressing ourselves that deteriorates boundaries of age, status, and position. I get frustrated that I have so few filters sometimes, but other times, I am grateful that I see everyone as worthy and valuable. In addition to his physical strength, my dad's quick wit and mental keenness challenges the brightest people to keep up. I love that about him. He is smart. Though he didn't finish high school and got his GED instead, he can still out think me when it comes to math. He can argue with me, sympathize with me, challenge me, and put me in my place. I love that about him too. Sometimes, I haven't appreciated it. But, now, I am most thankful to know that he sees me and knows what I need. I don't need to be indulged; I need to be challenged.

I am afraid for my dad, and for my mom. This is an ugly disease. I wonder how long he will have to endure and how weak he will become. I am afraid for what life will look like when he is gone. I am afraid for how we will manage to move forward and support our mom. She is showing us how to endure suffering and support those you love, no matter what, and even if... But, I don't want to see either of them hurting. I do realize how lucky we are. Some people don't have the opportunity to communicate with their loved ones when they leave. They have to deal with the unspoken thoughts, and the spoken thoughts that caused separation and division. I have the very great gift of reconciling any unspoken thoughts, fears, dreams, and divisions that might have burdened my heart for years to come.

I am thankful. There are such great blessings in knowing that my dad is a fighter and my mom is a faithful, loving wife. I have a great legacy to live up to. Right now, the pain of seeing my dad's life dwindling is overwhelming. It is hard to focus on much else. And yet, there is a lot happening that I need to focus on. I guess that is a reality I had not yet been challenged with to this extent. I know life goes on, and change happens regardless of those that come and go in our lives. But, I want to savor this time with my family. I am forced to encounter the realities that I wouldn't want to face on my best day, let alone on this day when my lips are swollen, my basement is drying out from a water infiltration because kids were playing water fight, the sink leak that manifested itself with a houseful of 9 adults and 9 children, the 5 page paper that is due on Wednesday and the assignment due by midnight this evening. Don't worry, I am done with the assignment and have written 4 pages worth of the 5 page paper. Life is full of great and wonderful experiences. It is also full of ugly, painful realities that only God is strong enough to see you through.

I pray for each of you that goodness, joy, and love are a part of EVERY experience you are blessed to experience. For those realities that are too painful to go alone, I pray you have Jesus who loves you, pursues you, and accepts you right where you are. No matter your flaws, your insecurities, or your deep, dark hidden secrets; I pray you know and feel the love of a great God who empowers you to live through each moment with dignity and grace. This is my prayer for you and for myself on this day. Wherever our path leads, wherever we are fortunate enough to experience life, I know that mercy and forgiveness are already granted. I will start anew tomorrow, and I pray that you will do the same.