Control

Isn't control a funny thing. In some categories we don't want any control. Like making decisions about dinner. Who wants to make that decision, take control and face disappointing the family or friends who are looking to you for guidance? Nobody wants that responsibility.

Then there's the control of deciding what book to read in a book club. What if people read into your choice something other than, "I didn't know what book to choose, so this one had a pretty cover."? Someone may think the title "Crazy Moms and the Children They Spawn" is indicative of my own children, or my mom, or even me. Too much pressure. No thank you. I will pass on that control.

What about who controls the batting line up in a baseball game? The coach has to figure out who has the best odds of at least getting on base. Then, who has the best shot of getting a home run. The parents and spectators believe if they had the control, their team would certainly win. But, the coach, (s)he actually carries the weight of decision making. Actually having the control is very different that imagining you have the control from the sidelines.

Then there is the control that we want to have. Like, who we spend our time with. We want to have control of that, but in reality, we don't. I don't get to say, "I am going to go visit my mom and dad for the day. I love them, I miss them, I want to be with them." No. That is not in my control. I am not made of money, nor do I have a nanny, or a laundry wizard, or a maid. So, I don't get the privilege of stepping away from responsibilities, obligations, and life to satiate a need to connect with my folks.

Nor do I get to control what people think of me. Lord knows I would if I could. I certainly try at times. Then there are times when I might be well advised to try a little harder. But, in the end, people will think what they will. Very little of what I did or will do can convince them to change their opinion once it is held. So frustrating and sad. The control that others yield in my life, though unintentionally and often times unknowingly can take my breath away in defeat. Assuredly, I am not supposed to give credence to other's judgments. But, realistically, we all do. We want to be liked, appreciated, and favored. When that affirmation, especially from ones we respect and love, isn't offered; it hurts.

Yes, control can debilitate us or set us free. It is indeed in whose control we trust and belong. Certainly I am subject to things outside of my control. Then there are those things that I have to acknowledge as not mine to control. Then there are the things I can control, but hate controlling (like my diet, exercise, and discipline). I know I will continue striving for realization in the areas that I am meant to control and those in which I am meant to let go of. Patience and forgiveness will certainly be needed as I fight against the temptation to become bitter and sad about those ideas, beliefs, and judgments that are out of my control, but do affect my heart and the hearts of those I love. Acceptance and love is what I will cling to this evening as I pray for those who are controlled by fear, hatred, grief, sadness, and chaos. (I must own that my heart struggles with many of these feelings this very night. So pray for me as I pray for each of you. Much love, even in the midst of much sorrow.)