Is it time to go to bed? I know it is only 7:50pm, but my eyes are so tired and heavy. It's so hard to know sometimes if I should trust my bodies indicators or if I should fight against them. Like the tired eyes thing. If I go to bed now, what if I am up at 5am tomorrow? I mean I would get a lot done, and I am a morning person. But, then I will be tired at 8pm tomorrow night and that won't be good because I am road tripping with a friend to see a friend. Very excited.
Bed tends to be a great place to escape to when I am not quite myself. Though I have moved away from spending my free time in bed, it still is my safe zone and the place I feel most comfortable. I cherish it even more now that I am not in it every free moment. Being stronger is not without pain. I remember times growing up when I felt like I could take anything on and be ok. I would do what it took and push as hard as I could to succeed. I had all the outward displays of success; good grades, leads in musicals, varsity cheerleader, 2 part time jobs, bought my own car, and a sustaining faith that I could lean on. I would say at the time that was what success looked like. It served me well and I am not sure I would want it any other way.
My parents did not push or harass me in any of these endeavors. In fact, there are times I wondered if they knew what I was doing. I mean, my mom showed up for everything, and my dad did too, when he could. So I know they knew. It was just not something that they overtly discussed or applauded. They were proud of me, just as they were proud of each of their kids for various reasons. I know I disappointed them at times, but I never felt they withheld their love at those moments. So with the support of my folks, I had a relatively successful high school/college experience. It would be wrong for me to fail in mentioning so many dear friends who supported me and my family along the way. From the McBurnie's, Schoen's, Winslow's, Colwell's, Thomas', McClaren's, and Corsaro's, I can say that our family was loved and supported through some very rough years. They never made me feel like I had to achieve in order to be supported. I just wanted to achieve and I was often single minded in that effort.
I imagine that may be where the greatest disappointments my parents may have endured. My commitments to working, studying, and singing were primary to the point of neglecting my family's needs. Knowing that my mom was shouldering the weight of life with 4 children, a husband, work (one full time and 2 part time), church (served as a deacon for more years than I can recall), parents, in-laws, and the frustrations of providing for the needs of all these entities; I should have been more available, more considerate, and more supportive. I recognize my drive for external success to be the outward representation of my inward desire to avoid myself accepting who I was. Not too many teen-age girls really want to take the time to know themselves. Just looking in the mirror sometimes takes so much courage and energy, that doing any kind of looking or seeking beyond that is just too much. So each strives to avoid, derail, and ignore coming too close to the truth of who we are.
I still fall into these habits. I would like to say that my voice or my passion for children is a pure reflection of my heart. But, I haven't always taken the time to seek my heart to find out. It just feels to treacherous. Realizing that in the very heart in which God placed my gifts lies the darkness of this world and the sin we each were born into makes me shudder and find excuses to avoid the process of seeking who I am and who God made me to be. My work is an easy escape. It takes energy and attention to truly see into the hearts of children and their families. I love looking into their eyes and seeing God's goodness peering back into mine. Even in the most difficult children, there is the presence of light and hope. They too look for ways to avoid being seen, just as we adults do. They will throw up road blocks in the disguise of outbursts and rebellion. But, in the moment that they feel seen, their world stops and for just a moment, they have a chance to see themselves as God sees them; loved, whole, fulfilled, adored, cherished, wanted, nurtured, and blessed. In that same moment I have to look at my heart too.
It is in realizing the connection that happens in that moment that has changed my heart. I wanted to deny the energy and joy I received in my relationships with children of all ages. (I don't mean this in a self-serving, obnoxious, egotistical sort of way. I really don't. I am sorry if it is coming off like that.) It just didn't seem like work that would raise the awareness of adults who I believe have opportunities to influence and alter the lives of the children in their midst just by engaging them and acknowledging their value. Kind of a sick thought really. Probably all in my head. Or, possibly, our cultures and society don't validate the work that is done with children and families as we continue to isolate and disconnect ourselves from community. But, now, as I reflect on the apparent failures of some of my recent interactions, I find a different kind of success. Not a success that is built on the outward representations that substantiate my work or its validity. But, a success that resides in the comfort of knowing that I can look at myself and see my heart, both the goodness and the darkness. So when the end of the day comes, and it is only 8pm, and I think, I shouldn't be so tired. I shouldn't escape to my bedroom and enjoy the comfort of my bed. I am going to trust my body's messages and know that it is ok to rest. It is time for bed.
I can definitely relate to escaping to my bed sometimes. Well, it's more like escaping to my room. That's pretty much where I've lived my entire life. My family is pretty solitary in general. I mean, we hang out occasionally, but usually it's each of us, in our own space, eating meals seperately, doing our own thing. I know for a fact that my mom has no idea about most of the things I do, maybe a little like your parents.
ReplyDeleteSo, generally, when things are going badly, or I'm stressed, or exhausted, I retreat to my room. People at school call me anti-social a lot. That's not it at all. I LOVE spending time with people, but I can only be with humanity for so long before I need my own space again.
I'm not entirely sure if this what point you were trying to get across at all, but this is what I took from it. I'm also exhausted right now and my mind is a complete jumble of thoughts. I'm about to backtrack now and read the 10 things I may not know about you.