Next to Normal

I am seriously addicted to listening to Next to Normal right now. I don't think it is particularly good for my health. It is a musical about a family whose mother battles bi-polar disorder. The highs and lows of her life affect her family and their subsequent relationships and interactions. It intrigues me that the musical lyrics reflect so much of life's frustrations. Not suffering from bi-polar disorder, I can not identify with some of the responses that she and her family experience. But, I do battle my own darkness. I laugh as hard as I cry, and both are fairly intense.

As I try to adjust my extreme responses, I find myself challenged. Initially, I wonder if this is God's way of molding and shaping me. Though He created me in His image, at times my own human frailty and sinfulness inhibit me from reflecting the light of Christ within me. If moderation is going to soften my rough edges, then I want to be open to that direction and guidance.

But, what if my efforts to moderate and lessen my outward responses and my inward extremes is an effort to fit into society who says that we shouldn't be so overt? If I am conforming to make others comfortable and more accepting of me, is that Godly? Is that following Christ's call? Recently I discussed with a small group of individuals whether the purpose of the Bible was to show us the example of Christ to follow. The story of Christ's entering this world and dying for all, then giving us the Holy Spirit to live in our very hearts is the story the Bible shares (among many other stories). Christ's life relayed through the Bible paints the model of Christian life, but is that what we are intended to take from the Bible?

This small group concluded, and I tend to believe, that though Christ's model is one which is worthy of following and trying to live up to, that is not what Christ calls us to do. He calls us to be in relationship with Him. Just as each of us have different relationships with those in our lives, His relationship with each one of His children will be different. This variance is often misunderstood and misjudged as I see it. As we accept the spiritual,genetic and environmental gifts that we are blessed with, it makes perfect sense that God would guide and direct each of us differently.

However, as a society, I think we often confuse a series of actions and behaviors as unchristlike if it differs from the intentions that have been laid on our own hearts. So I feel like who I am is too extreme, emotional, loud, overt, reactive, passionate, and annoying. But, how many of those traits are God's gifts to me to be used for Him. Do I feel like that because I am wrong, or because I am different?

Not sure the answers will be available to me in this lifetime. As Next to Normal continues to play in my head, I am confronted with how her doctors and family wanted her to feel less, and that was considered "good", "right", "healed". When she was feeling life, the highs and lows, she was "wrong", "sick". I am not suggesting that she wasn't ill, or that those who suffer from bipolar personality disorder do not need treatment. I just am questioning whether we as a society take what we don't understand and rather than see with fresh, loving, accepting eyes; we reject as wrong and sick.

My heart is heavy as I try to understand how God would have me respond to the situations and experiences that seem so contrary to what my heart's natural inclinations are. Do I respond with love and vulnerability, opening myself to more pain? Or, do I moderate, keep my mouth shut, hold my heart back from feeling? I suppose the answer will come, and I have no doubt that strength will be provided in whichever direction I am led.