I love Brody

It's true, I am in love with another male. He is 6 months old, and he has swept me off my feet. His giggle, his smile, his coos, just perfect. Remember that feeling, when you were swept away by some one's smile. Was it your child's, or your first love, or your spouse's, or you significant other, or a teacher who actually saw you, or the youth group leader who knew you were more than that one hour on Sunday morning? I remember those feelings in each of the above scenarios. It is a moment that stops your heart and validates you like nothing else. I guess when Brody smiled back at me and giggled I knew we were connecting. Admitting that I need that validation and that "response" that happens in a relationship makes me feel weak. What I am realizing is that I don't "need" that, but it is a great blessing and one that I enjoy experiencing.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." and "Love your neighbor as yourself." run through my mind each day. Realizing that I can not treat anyone any other way than how I expect to be treated, and I can't love anyone fully unless I first love myself was revolutionary. I still battle these truths. Am I really supposed to love this person, myself? Am I really lovable? So often I want to lavishly love the people around me, but I don't like to accept the love back from others. What am I trying to prove? Do I think God loves me more if I give of my time, energy, or resources? I think there are times when I am hoping I will be more lovable if I give. It seems selfish to stop and do the things that I need in order to feel loved. It is better to give than to receive. But I have to know myself and love who God made me to be in order to give fully and to love fully. What a balancing act that is.

I wish and hope that one day I will look in the mirror and be "captured" or swept off my feet by who God made me to be. As I see the love in the eyes of kids, I imagine how great it is to be young and to not have this world's views fully exposed. But the reality is that some children, even from birth are not innocent or protected from this world's sin. But, I am encouraged by those who have swept me off of my feet by the smile in their eyes. I will continue to strive to know myself and to know who God made me to be so that I can love people wholly and genuinely. I love you Brody. I know that you are loved and made uniquely to share the love that God is sharing with you and through you. Thank you for sharing it with me today.

Observations

I am running on a few hours sleep so I haven't really processed too much of what I experienced today; and I have concluded, that is ok. Sometimes processing is overrated. But, a few things I did notice:

1. I saw a man with the longest neck I had ever seen.
2. I also saw a man with the biggest forehead that I had ever seen. I notice foreheads, and this was definitely the largest I have ever seen. No judgement meant in either observations.
3. Walking 10,000 steps takes a concerted effort. I spent two days walking my usual routine. My highest number of steps was 4000'ish steps. So obviously, 10,000 took some thinking. But it was really fun. I spent time on ISU's campus both before and after having lunch with Chris. It was a beautiful fall day.
4. I don't remember my college campus quad being as quiet as ISU's quad was today.
5. Walking in loafers with a slight heel feels ok for about 4,000 steps, but after that, not so good.
6. I like Barnes and Noble at 9am in the morning. And, I really like planning Christmas concerts for my little friends while enjoying a cup of decaf coffee at Barnes and Nobles. (FYI: Blooming Grove Day at Barnes and Noble is this Saturday. Stop by and buy.)
7. I believe Hockey should be a required sport for husbands and wives; only without the blades, the sticks, and the ice.
8. When working with my 3 year olds, I realized that we have a very narrow scope of what animals were at the manger when Jesus was born. I bet that the lions, tigers, hippos, butterflies, dogs, cats, and giraffes were there in addition to the traditional animals. They probably stopped by, paid their homage and moved on.
9. Having an unexpected gift of time today was very special and appreciated.
10. I miss the friends that I don't get to see or talk to very often.

I am looking forward to some quality time with a friend and her baby tomorrow. I am planning on getting lots of rest and making a delicious lunch.

Living in the moment

I am not sure I understand the statement, "just live in the moment." I hear it all the time. Don't worry about the future, and let go of the past. Don't live in the past, and the future will take care of itself. So, live in the moment.

I live in the moment until the bills come, or friends' feelings are hurt, or there is no dinner made, or no clean clothes for the kids. I live in the moment until my husband says, "You did what?!?!" I live in the moment until I look into the eyes of my kids and see the hope and promise that consideration of their future is worth. Buying the line "live in the moment." has its place, no question. We are called to trust God to provide for the future, and we are called to forgive the past. But, what does it mean to "live in the moment".

I want to give careful consideration to the lessons that I want my children to learn as they grow. So sometimes living in the moment means struggling with the unpleasantness of holding my kids accountable even though doing so makes them and me miserable. I want them to learn that personal discipline and self-control are valuable life skills. But teaching that requires modeling both discipline and self-control which often times contradict living in the moment. I don't always want to clean up the kitchen, or do the laundry, or make my bed, or do the bills, or turn the tv off. Sometimes I want to leave a mess and sit in my pjs watching tv. (And sometimes I do.) I want my kids to know they can do that, sometimes, but not always.

Living in the moment also presents contradictions when you look at married life and the expectations that vows and commitments require. Not just in marriage, but in mortgages, job contracts, student loans, car loans, and even the unspoken commitments of loyalty and honesty between friends. If all married people lived in the moment, they wouldn't stay married (which may explain the high percentage of divorce). I mean there are times when being married is stressful, unpleasant, and blah. (I couldn't think of a good word to summarize the vast discomfort and disgust that marriage can cause in varied frequency depending on the time of month and the age and number of children). If I lived in the moment, I would have driven far far away years ago. If my husband lived in the moment, he would have run home telling his parents that he had married a demon and needed to alter his name and appearance to escape the inevitable life struggle that he had unknowingly but willingly contractually agreed to. If we lived in the moment, our poor kids, who knows what ragged messes and mental cases they would be. We have done quite a bit of damage to their little psyches, but most of the damage was intentional. Well, not intentional, but there has been quite a bit of concerted effort put into shaping them with and without certain "issues" So living in the moment doesn't bode well for family relationships.

And what about friendships? I have friends that stand beside me and lift me up when my legs are too weary, or my brain is too scattered. However, there have been moments when I surely didn't respond to them lovingly or considerately. In fact, I know that I have caused innumerable pain to at least one if not numerous close friends. Not intentionally, but my actions, my words, my lack of response caused pain none the less. I am still disappointed by my behavior towards some of my dearest friends. I did live in the moment, and it didn't serve me. I was angry and my words bit anyone who would listen. My anger in one moment scared and bullied a friend whose heart I held very dear to my own. So living in the moment doesn't seem to reap the benefits that my counselor often advocates.

"Living in the moment" requires an awareness of the past and prayer for the future. It is definitely not as easy as it sounds. I don't think it means fretting or worrying. I don't think it means disregarding morals for the sake of an immediate pleasure, (though I think that sounds like fun sometimes). I guess it means consideration and thoughtfulness in every situation. I know for me that means slowing down and looking around; taking time to see; observing which direction I came from, and which direction this moment will take me. I have to think out the consequences of my actions in the moment, so I can forecast a bit if I will hurt or be hurt in the process. Sometimes it means acting despite knowing the pain is inevitable. Sometimes it means being quiet even though the silence is unbearable. Often times it means acknowledging the needs of those around me and sacrificing what the moment can bring me for what bypassing the moment can bring to those I love.

What I know for sure about living in the moment is that it always means loving those around us. I am challenged knowing that I can only love others as much as I love myself. I don't think that means loving myself in a haughty or proud way. But knowing myself enough to love who I am, acknowledge what I need, validate where I am in life, and continually learn why I am here. We are each in our own "moments", just trying to live. The greatest obstacle we face is how to love ourselves enough that we can love those around us with generous, uninhibited, care-free, and joyous hearts. As my day goes on, I will be living in the moment; trusting that I am so loved that I can share my love abundantly.

What's wrong?

Don't you think it is interesting that when someone is having a hard time, out of sorts, or just grumpy, the common question is, "what's wrong?" Think of how many times we ask our children this question. "What's the problem?, What's wrong?. What's going on?" I was asked that question today. My response, "I don't know." You know that feeling when you just don't know? You feel blah, sad, just under, not yourself. Nothing specific to cause the feeling, but everything in general just feels a little off. I love thinking about how kids must feel when asked that question. If we can't figure out what is wrong sometimes, I can so understand why a child can't articulate a feeling.

Or...why did you do that? Isn't that another interesting question for a child, or an adult. Most of us don't know "why" in the midst of an action. We can figure it out, but sometimes, that doesn't even happen. I wish I could figure out why I do what I do, or why I feel what I feel. And when that question comes, and you are asked to articulate the great unknown reasons "why", there is nothing, which in and of itself causes even more confusion and dismay. We want to know our hearts and our feelings, whether good or bad. We want a reason why it hurts or aches. Somehow if there was a reason, we surely could make it better.

Today I was thinking about whether God is disappointed in those moments of our sadness and despair. I don't have enough fingers or toes to count the blessings that God has given me. Should that not be enough for me to thank my lucky stars and sing praises to His greatness? Can I do that and still feel sad, alone, frustrated. The sky was beautiful tonight, breathtaking as a matter of fact. There were so many colors and shades of light and darkness. The moon was beside me with its face clear and all knowing. There were very subtle cotton clouds that drifted close by. Straight ahead were the bright orange hues of the sun setting. Not just orange, but pink, purple, red, yellow. Then the blue sky just above the colors. Then the darkness with wispy clouds stretched across the night sky. I so wanted to drive to that orange beauty. Just past the clouds, past the darkness, past the impending night. I wanted to follow the light and live in its warmth. I didn't want to look towards the darkness and certainly didn't want to turn into it. But, that is exactly what I had to do to get home. So on one side now I see the beauty of the setting sun, and to the other, the bright moon with the fluffy clouds playing around the smile of its face.

Are our lives like that night sky sometimes? All the joy and reverence of the light, all the fear and loneliness of the darkness wrapped in our hearts and minds and souls. And where is God in that sky? Is He the light? Is He the moon, the stars, the darkness, the clouds? If I drive to the sunset, will He be there offering me peace and comfort? If I go into the darkness, will He meet me there and hold me close? If I go to the moon, will He allow me to play like the clouds that float free and easy? Do I have to go anywhere? I don't want the darkness that looms close. It represents the loss of those people, ideals, gifts, and identity that I thought God gave me and that I somehow was unable to prove worthy enough to keep. I don't want to look too closely or share too deeply the reality of how lost in the darkness some days and nights feel to me. Does God still love me in this place? He has given me so much and I have failed to be who He made me to be. I have hurt my family, my friends, and my God.

In the night sky tonight I saw God in the darkness and in the light, in the clouds and in the moon. I wanted to be there, but He was here. He was with me, singing to me through His painted sky as I looked at his goodness and cried in my sorrow. He knows I have failed. He knows that I am not all He wants me to be. He knows I didn't honor all of His gifts to me. And He knows that I will continue to struggle with the darkness that looms too close and wraps around me threatening to steel the peace that is the essence of His love. Knowing all this about me, my God is here, right here, with me. He is with me in the darkness and in the light. He is with me in my sin and in my songs of praise. He just loves me. He loves me when I can't remember who I am or who He wants me to be. He loves me when I forget that His goodness is ever present and always true. He loves me when I question and when I cry.

So like our little children who don't know why they are grumpy or why they hit, cry, run, push, yell, and struggle to coordinate their actions when they don't even know what they are feeling; we too question how to make our lives reflect the goodness of God in the midst of this world. Often times we don't know why we feel sadness in the midst of His goodness. And all too often, we know too well that the sorrow stems from loss and pain that only our Father can understand because He too lost His son and watched through tearful eyes the pain and abuse that Jesus suffered. God is here. He is with me, and He is with you. He doesn't take all the pain and He doesn't protect us from the sorrow. He just lives it with us, if we let him.

A little down

I posted this picture in hopes of bringing a smile to my face. Check out those skinny little legs. How I wish they were mine in reality. But, I am appreciative that I am learning how to hula hoop,and maybe one day soon I will have skinny legs.

Today has been a lazy day around the house. My legs and body were non-functioning. I have a condition (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) that hits me hard when I am not managing to balance my activity level appropriately. I have been doing quite a bit better. The shaking is much less, as are the headaches. But after being on my feet for the past couple of days, I crashed pretty hard. My legs and joints hurt and I have dizzy feelings when I stand up. So I have been pretty quiet and unmotivated. I always suffer some down moments on days like this. I feel like I have gotten so much down, but when the energy passes I become afraid that I will fall back into the darkness that often attempts to keep me down. My mom had good insight and reminded me that I had worked hard and pretty non stop so it is ok to listen to my body and let it rest. I want it to bounce back quickly, but I will be waiting patiently.

Reading a great book that is giving me some positive distractions. The Power of Kindness, the Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life. Piero Ferrucci.
It is insightful. Giving me good material to think about. When I slow down, my sorrow always reers its ugly head. I am sad because I have lost opportunities to serve in areas that I truly love and want to serve in.. I am heart broken that the very parts of me that GOd created and is molding in me isn't considered a gift, but an attribute to hide so others are not made unccomfortable. I get it. I am sad. I wish I could feel the inclusion that God desires for each of us. I want to keep searching in my church, but for some, that might be too painful.

I do have to share the praise of good friends. I have spent months crying, praying, distraught, and downcast because I thought a friendship that I relied on and trusted and loved is no longer moving in the direction that God is taking me in. I don't want to let go. I came to grips with the change. But my heart is knowing that it iw not just adjusting to change, it is adjusting to life and friendship as I know it. So finding kindness, warmth,forgiveness means I have to let go. But I miss so much. I will forgive myself for what I wasn't and can never be. I will ask for forgiveness in return. I just am going to be sad in the moments that I realize the great gift of kindness and hope and understanding was real and a lie. Not an intentional lie, just a lie in unawareness. I too committed the sin of lies just out of unawareness of what to do. I am so very sorry for the pain that I caused. I am sorry for the pain this world causes. Please care for my children with the generous spirit, abundant love, and unhindered joy that I want them to see and feel. They are precious, beautiful, and make me so proud. I don't know what the future holds. I know that as I walk each day I will love with warmth and forgiveness and I will pray for my family and friends to forgive me for the pain that was intentional and intentional. I am not perfect. I don't do it all right. I want to do ask you for forgiveness for where I fall short or don't handle a situation better. Please forgive me, and please forgive my children and husband. They are beautiful people who love Jesus and share that love with me even on the days that I can't move. I am tired and quite sad right now. The changes in the past year bring me to my knees. Today holds the promise of his comfort and his love. Tomorrow will be new and full of God's great gifts to us.

All Saints Day,

All Saints Day is one of my favorite days in the Christian calendar. I am comforted by the knowledge that so many who walked this world before me, suffered and rejoiced just as I do. And one day, I will see them face to face, and we will sing Hallelujahs to our King together. Thank you Father Francis for these words of comfort and hope. Thank you to our Lord who gives us the promise of everlasting life and communion with His saints this day and every day.


Greetings and Grace, CTK Parish Family and Friends.
Here indeed is our Praise and Prayers as we Celebrate All Saints and All Souls Day tomorrow and the day after.

First our Praise.
Who are these like stars appearing, these, before God's throne who stand? Each a golden crown is wearing;
Who are all this glorious band? Alleluia! Hark, they sing, praising loud their heavenly King.

Who are these of dazzling brightness, these in God's own truth arrayed, clad in robes of purest whiteness,
Robes who luster ne'er shall fade, ne're be touched by time rude's hand? When comes all this glorious band?

These are they who have contended for their Savior's honor long, wrestling on till life was ended,
Following not the sinful throng; these, who well the fight sustained, triumph by the Lamb have gained.

These are they who hearts were riven, sore with woe and anguish tried, who in prayerful oft have striven
With the God they glorified; now, their painful conflict o'er, God has bid them weep no more.

These, like priests, hae watched and waited, offering up to Christ their will, soul and body consecrated,
Day and Night they serve him still. Now in god's most holy place, blest they stand before his face.

[The Hymnal, # 286].

Second our Prayers.

O God, the King of the saints, we praise and glorify your holy Name for all your servants who have finished their course in your faith and fear:
for the blessed Virgin Mary; for the holy patriarchs, prophets, apostles, and martyrs and for all your other righteous servants, [whom we now name before you],

Herbert and Sylvia Smith
Jerry and Janet Levine
Carl Smith
Johnathon Elston
Hilda Sand
Bud and Gwen Williams
Joseph and Christian Vogel
Dan Kaufman
Walter Smith
Leota Hodgkins
Charles Hodgkins, Sr.
Ed Ramsey
Lessie Ramsey
Julian Javers
Marianna and Stanley Luczak
Chester and Pear Luczak
Charlotte and Leonard Berger
John Andrews
Mary Weyrich
Raymond Weyrich
Glenna Jean Tippey
James Edgar Tippey
Revd. Bill Mills
Henry Miller
Florence Miller
Donna Brandt
Chad Bryan
John Welch Donalsdon
Gloria and Bonner Donaldson
Bill Davis
Jack Pearce
Isabell L. and Floyd R. Adams
Walton L. Brown, Sr.
Martha Bullwinkel
Rober deVignier..
James and Connie Francis
Kathleen Francis
Pradeep Gaikwad
Prakash Gaikwad
John Ramachandran Gaikwad
Rita Francis
Sara Cummins
Bud Hasslinger
Bernadette Hasslinger
Miriam Deal
Raef Reed
Grace
Dorothy Shaifer
Kirbie Brittain
Ron Roop
Doug Gordon



and all others ____________
_________________________
known and unknown to us;
we pray that, encouraged by their example, aided by their prayers, and strengthened by their fellowship, we also may be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light; through the merits of your Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Father of all, we pray to you for those we love, but see no longer: Grant them your peace; let light perpetual shine upon them; and in your loving wisdom and almighty power, work in them the good purpose of your perfect will; through Jesus Christ our
Lord. Amen.

Grant, O Lord, to all who are bereaved the spirit of faith and courage, that they may have strength to meet the days to come with steadfastness and patience; not sorrowing as those without hope, but in thankful rememberance of your great goodness,
and in the joyful expectation of eternal life with those they love. And this we ask in the Name of Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen.

Third, The Promise!
Isaiah 25:8 & 9, "The Sovereign Lord will destroy death forever! He will wipe away the tears from everyone's eyes and take the disgrace his people have suffered throughout the world. The Lord himself has spoken. When it happens everyone will say, 'He is our God! We have put our trust in him, and he has rescued us. He is the Lord! We have put our trust in him, and now we are happy and joyful because he has saved us'."

1 Thessalonians 4:16bff, "The Lord himself will come down from heaven. Those who have died believing in Christ will rise to life first; then we are who are living at that time will be gathered up along with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in
the air. And so we will always be with the Lord. So then, encourage one another with these words."

John 11:25, "I am the Resurrection and the Life. Those who believe in me will live, and even though they die; and those who live and believe in me will never die."

Parish Family, please know in Jesus Christ Life triumphs over death and in all things known and unknown, we are more than conquerors through Jesus Christ who loves us, died for us, rose again for us and will come for us and take us all to be with him and all our loved ones who have gone ahead of us so that "we will all reign with HIM forever!"

Soli deo gloria!

Fr. Desmond C. Francis
Rector, CTK parish.

What a day...continued

So, where was I?

On the way to Borders we continued our discussion about SEX. The day began with the kids asking if we could have another child. We explained that Chris had a surgery that prevented him from being a part of making a baby. Then the discussion ensued about whether we had sex any other times besides when conceiving them. And if so, how did we keep from having more kids. So...

Birth Control is the answer to that. There are many forms of birth control. Women can take a pill every day, or have a shot, or wear a patch on their skin that gives them medicine to keep from having a baby. Men can wear a condom. "What's a condom?" Colin asks. Chris says, I have one right here. Do you want me to show you? At that point both kids simultaneously say, "It's time to catch the bus. We have to go."

On the way to Borders, Colin says, "So what exactly is a condom?" I say, "A condom is something a man puts on his penis so that the sperm is unable to get into the woman's body causing pregnancy. It also keeps the man from giving or getting a disease." Further questioning included,

Colin: "What does a condom look like?"
Mom: "It's kind of like a balloon that fits over the penis."
Julia: "When is it ok to have sex?"
Mom: When you are married.

Then I started asking the questions.

Mom: When do you think it is ok to have sex?
Colin: When we are married.
Mom: When do you think you will be married?
Julia: When we are done with college, maybe when we are 25 or so. (That's a relief.)
Mom: When you get married, do you think you will marry a man or a woman?
Colin: Oh Mom, a woman. I like girls.
Julia: Mom, I am going to marry a man.
Mom: How many kids will you have?
Colin: Probably 3 or 4.
Julia: Does it hurt to have babies?
Mom: Oh yeah.
Julia: Mom, why are you saying that? I am not going to want to have kids now.
Mom: I am sorry Julia, it is just the truth. It really hurts. But, there is medicine the doctor can give you so it doesn't hurt so bad.
Julia: I just don't understand how a baby comes out. How does a baby come through that little hole?
Mom: Well your vagina is kind of like a balloon. It stretches out and then like a balloon when the air comes out, it shrinks back to normal size. (I just didn't have the heart to tell her that nothing in that region, (or slightly above) ever is quite the same. I mean if you are lucky, that area bounces back to it's original dimensions, but that belly region, yeah, never bounces back.)
Mom: What do you think you will do when you really like a boy or a girl?
Julia: What do you mean?
Mom: I mean, how will you show that person that you like him or her? Hold their hand? Call them? Just what do you think you will do?
Julia: Kissing is as far as it can go. I don't want to do anything more than that. Holding hands and kissing.
Mom: I appreciate that very much. As you start to feel like you like a boy, or girl Colin, your body might feel things that you don't understand. Just know that your dad and I will want to hear all about it.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't remember ever having a discussion like that with my mom. Maybe they won't remember it either. It could be something that we all block out just so we don't have to think about our parents having sex or knowing anything about it. I love it that we talked so openly about it. I feel like I have to answer questions as they come. But, it seems so early. But, this evening we watched the Thriller video, and then Colin was scanning the music videos on the Direct TV menu. They are so intense and sexual. If their bodies aren't responding now, they will be soon.

What else did I do yesterday? Played with children. My quote of the day comes from a 4 year old who is missing his 2 front teeth.

Miss Rosie: What are you going to be for Halloween:
My friend D: I am going to be a titty.
Miss Rosie: I am sorry, what?
My friend D: I titty, with a tail and ears. I was going to be a fireman, but now I am going to be a titty.
Miss Rosie: Oh, a kitty. That is great. That is awesome.

And it truly was awesome. An awesome moment in my day.

Then headed to the girl scout office to get an orientation so I could be a leader. I wonder if there is a badge for sex education?

Another great day was had today. It's not over yet. Going to visit with my neighbor who has been held hostage by the swine flu that has overtaken her daughter. We are going to meet in her garage, and I will look like I am journeying to the moon with all of my armor to protect me from the germs that are looking for a home to infiltrate and multiply. It was a really great day. Hope I have time to share tomorrow. Halloween! Fun!