A little down

I posted this picture in hopes of bringing a smile to my face. Check out those skinny little legs. How I wish they were mine in reality. But, I am appreciative that I am learning how to hula hoop,and maybe one day soon I will have skinny legs.

Today has been a lazy day around the house. My legs and body were non-functioning. I have a condition (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) that hits me hard when I am not managing to balance my activity level appropriately. I have been doing quite a bit better. The shaking is much less, as are the headaches. But after being on my feet for the past couple of days, I crashed pretty hard. My legs and joints hurt and I have dizzy feelings when I stand up. So I have been pretty quiet and unmotivated. I always suffer some down moments on days like this. I feel like I have gotten so much down, but when the energy passes I become afraid that I will fall back into the darkness that often attempts to keep me down. My mom had good insight and reminded me that I had worked hard and pretty non stop so it is ok to listen to my body and let it rest. I want it to bounce back quickly, but I will be waiting patiently.

Reading a great book that is giving me some positive distractions. The Power of Kindness, the Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life. Piero Ferrucci.
It is insightful. Giving me good material to think about. When I slow down, my sorrow always reers its ugly head. I am sad because I have lost opportunities to serve in areas that I truly love and want to serve in.. I am heart broken that the very parts of me that GOd created and is molding in me isn't considered a gift, but an attribute to hide so others are not made unccomfortable. I get it. I am sad. I wish I could feel the inclusion that God desires for each of us. I want to keep searching in my church, but for some, that might be too painful.

I do have to share the praise of good friends. I have spent months crying, praying, distraught, and downcast because I thought a friendship that I relied on and trusted and loved is no longer moving in the direction that God is taking me in. I don't want to let go. I came to grips with the change. But my heart is knowing that it iw not just adjusting to change, it is adjusting to life and friendship as I know it. So finding kindness, warmth,forgiveness means I have to let go. But I miss so much. I will forgive myself for what I wasn't and can never be. I will ask for forgiveness in return. I just am going to be sad in the moments that I realize the great gift of kindness and hope and understanding was real and a lie. Not an intentional lie, just a lie in unawareness. I too committed the sin of lies just out of unawareness of what to do. I am so very sorry for the pain that I caused. I am sorry for the pain this world causes. Please care for my children with the generous spirit, abundant love, and unhindered joy that I want them to see and feel. They are precious, beautiful, and make me so proud. I don't know what the future holds. I know that as I walk each day I will love with warmth and forgiveness and I will pray for my family and friends to forgive me for the pain that was intentional and intentional. I am not perfect. I don't do it all right. I want to do ask you for forgiveness for where I fall short or don't handle a situation better. Please forgive me, and please forgive my children and husband. They are beautiful people who love Jesus and share that love with me even on the days that I can't move. I am tired and quite sad right now. The changes in the past year bring me to my knees. Today holds the promise of his comfort and his love. Tomorrow will be new and full of God's great gifts to us.