If only you knew...

If only you knew...

I am sorry.
It is never my intention to hurt you. My heart breaks when your heart breaks. Sometimes I am the one doing the breaking through my words, both spoken and unspoken. I so wish I could go back. But as my dear friend K. told me: the only things you can't take back are time and words.

I love you.
Even when I don't understand, I still love you. Even when it hurts, I still love you. When we don't see eye to eye, and we don't have the words to speak, I still love you. I won't give up.

I miss you.
I miss the way it used to be. I miss the fun, and the life, and the joy. Surely life takes us into dark places. I won't run away or hide. I miss knowing your dreams and fears. I miss you sharing what you think. Your unique perspective and voice in my life is missed deeply.

I forgive.
I forgive myself for not knowing, not understanding, not listening, not hearing, not protecting, not enjoying, not valuing, not appreciating. What I am realizing though is that I can forgive myself, but I may make the mistakes again. Every time the pattern plays itself out, I realize the pain and hurt I cause. I forgive myself, but I never forget that I hurt you.

I pray for you.
I pray that you find joy and peace. I don't pray that every day will be happy, but I do pray that you see yourself and realize that God loves you in your pain and in your joy. It is hard to feel Him sometimes. Often you may feel you don't deserve Him or would rather not feel Him because you aren't worthy. But I pray you sense his arms around you. Even when you don't want to look at yourself, I pray you will let Him shine through you as He does each and every day.

I grieve for you.
I grieve that you have to hurt and watch this world hurt those you love. I mourn for the loss of all those you love and no longer have. I cry for the pain that you have endured and will continue to suffer. When I linger in this grief, I feel like I can't breathe. But, then I realize that you are living that pain and suffocating in the grief, and I just wish I could take it for awhile so you would be at peace for a moment or two in your day.

I rejoice with you.
I rejoice with you in your accomplishments both large and small. I celebrate the victories of when you touch a heart and impact who they become because you see them and hear them. You are gifted in so many ways, and it is a blessing to me to watch you offer all that you are to this world.

I hope.
I hope that in this moment you know you are loved. Not only loved by me, but loved by our God who uniquely designed you to live in this place and time. I hope that one day I can be all that I want to be in your life and in the life of those I love. I hope that regardless of what paths our lives take,we will realize the great gift God gave us.

If only you knew...
You changed me.
You impacted who I am and who I want to be.

This is for each of you who have been on the other end of my harsh words, my critical eye, my unkind actions. It is for those of you who know the pain of loss and distance because life circumstances prevent us from understanding or supporting each other. I love you and am thankful for you.