If you have no one, no one will hurt you

These lyrics captured me. I have been pondering them and then accessing from my experience and from those around me whether I believe it, accept it, live by it, or would die by it.

I do believe the lyrics to be true. No one will hurt you if you never engage with anyone. That being said, I have to believe that really, others are not always and/or usually, who hurts us. Don't you think that we end up hurting ourselves by living by expectations or judgements that either can't be lived up to or aren't our assessments to make? Surely people want to live up to our expectations. I mean, I definitely want to live up to the expectations of my friends and family. But, so often I have no idea what need I could fill or what desire lies in their heart. I can't begin to meet expectations for those around me.

Then of course there are the expectations that I am fully aware of, but am unwilling to meet. For instance, my darling son shared with me today the following note:

You treat Julia better than me. You always jump to a conclusion. You put us to work. Sure, you put away 1/3 of the food, and Julia and I each did 1/3. But then I was stuck with putting away 2/3 of the dishes plus putting the dirty ones in the dishwasher while Julia only did 1/3. We thank you for dinner, but sometimes I want something different from everyone else. No offense but you make it sound like its the end of the world. I know you do just as much work in a day, but school's really difficult and I want time to be with my friends and chill out. But, I have to do just as much work as a grown up.

(Before I continue, indulge me a moment. Isn't this awesome. I mean he shared the same thoughts with me verbally, but I didn't know what to sa? or how to make him feel heard. I mean he does feel "put upon". So I told him that I was sorry that I didn't understand his predicament but he could write down his thoughsso I could process them a little better. That is pretty articulate. 5th Grade rationale at its finest. If I were able to do this, I would not get into as much trouble as I do. I love that boy.)

So according to my son's expectations, I shouldn't ask so much of him. I didn't know how to respond to his note. I appreciated him articulating what he was thinking. I was definitely not angry, but obviously he has a feeling of entitlement that I would like to "nip in the bud". I mean, really? God love him. You just don't know 'til you know what you don't know. There was no point in clarifying. He will find out on his own. But I was ready to send him to Chef Paul's kitchen for a day. Or, maybe he would enjoy being in the secretary's office answering questions and making calls. I was ready to hook him up with a reality check. Expectations clearly cannot be met.

There are expectations that I am unaware of, expectations that I simply can't meet, and then there are expectations that aren't there. My friends don't expect a whole lot of me, but I feel like I would never want to let them down. It is hard saying "no", or "I can't" or "Can you help?" I just don't want to need or expect anything of others. Wrongly, I believe they will be disappointed or mad at me. This is definitely the case in our marriage. It has taken me some time to realize Chris doesn't expect me to be totally still in bed. He used to get grumpy with me if I would move or unintentionally wake him up. From that response, I concluded I shouldn't move, so I wouldn't irritate or disappoint him. He works hard, he deserves to sleep (even if he snores like a freight train). Sometimes I would move to the guest bedroom or the family room to watch tv or read, but he would come looking for me. I stopped moving altogether out of fear. Chris didn't have this expectation of me, and he was completely unaware that he woke up and responded angrily to me. I thought there was an expectation, but I was wrong.

But, I think that in each of those circumstances and in so many others, it is the expectation I place on myself that perpetrates the greatest frustration and pain. It isn't intentional. It may not be this way for everyone. I remember, not too long ago, (maybe last week, no it's been awhile now) I had these phrases running through my head. "I just can't do it right." "I am not good enough." "I should have been able to do it better." "Do what?", you ask. Anything and everything. I said this over and over to my bestest friend and my husband. The more I said it, the more I could point to situation after situation where I had let myself down. My response was to push the people closest to me further and further away so they wouldn't see how inept and sub-standard I was. I let myself down by not living up to the expectation in my head. I couldn't be everything to those I loved. I was falling short. I didn't want to see it and I certainly didn't want anyone else to see it.

Though I agree that if you have no one, no one will hurt you; I don't believe you won't hurt if you have no one. In fact, I think I can inflict as much pain on myself as anyone. It is the blessings in the relationships around methat inspire me and affirm me. The love, the understanding, the forgiveness, the acceptance, the joy, the laughter, the tears, the teasing, and the fun I have with those who dare venture into this crazy life that is the Hollingsworth's is evidence of God's love. He changes me through those around me. Through the kindness of my friends who listen to me cry about the same loss of relationship over and over, I know that it will be ok. Through the thoughtfulness of an unexpected message on facebook where I am encouraged, I know that it will be ok. I know it will be ok because my husband keeps filling my water glass and bringing me coffee in the morning. He is here for me. Though we don't always see eye to eye on how that should look, there is no questions that he is in this journey with me. The message on Sunday comforted me in knowing that I don't have to always "feel" God's presence. I am thankful that the spirit within me can moan and cry to God and He will hear it. I don't have to have the words, or feel the "right" emotion to be connected to God.

I sometimes feel like I am not as strong a Christian as I should be because I can't do it alone. I sometimes (periodically, ok frequently) don't feel God's presence as I pray or study or sing. It is often through interactions with others that I best sense God's presence. (Clarification: I am not suggesting that I always need to have these interactions. I realize in the quiet and stillness that I can hear myself and God working through the fabric of my life. As with most things, it is a balance.) I don't want to live out the lyrics that have captured my attention the past few days. I don't want to be alone, or do this life alone. As Spring Awakening lyrics suggest:

O, I'm gonna be wounded
O, I'm gonna be your wound
O, I'm gonna bruise you
O, you're gonna be my bruise

It's inevitable. Sorry friends, it does sound painful. But in the midst of the pain we will share great times. I promise the bruises and wounds are not my intentions. Unfortunately, they will be unavoidable. I'll get the band-aids ready.