My dad

Before I share my thoughts about my dad, I just have to share a few words about my mom. My heart breaks for my mother who walks this path with my dad. It is painful and lonely at times. I know there were times throughout their marriage that my mom would have like to have killed my dad herself. But, she in her loving and grace-filled heart knows that the path she walks, though painful and hard, will reap so many wonderful moments and memories. She stands by him and models to all of us that love is an action. It is forgiveness in the midst of guilt. It is comfort in the midst of pain. It is work in the midst of struggles. It is endurance in the midst of exhaustion. It is laughter in the midst of tears. I admire my mother so much for how she loves my father. It is for her and the love that she models every day that we will walk the path of grief, sadness, and heart-break with dignity, respect, and affection.

I know that words won’t accurately explain or portray who my dad is. He is more than he ever gives himself credit for. My dad is more than just my dad. He is a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a co-worker and a husband. Many of you know him in one way or another. But, I know him as my dad. Our family has talked often about our memories growing up and how we remember things so differently. To me, dad is the man that gives loyally to those he loves and trusts. He is authentic. You never have to guess too long about what he thinks.. He says it like he sees it. This “honesty” as we Deals like to call it is a gift and a curse. I know that each of his children have used this “honesty” to get out of trouble, and often to get in trouble. But dad never criticizes us for speaking our mind. There is never a punishment for speaking up for ourselves or for others. This character trait gets him into a fair amount of trouble. And his friends and family love him and care for him (and for our family) no matter what the trouble or the success.

My dad is strong. Physically, he is strong. My dad could outrun my brothers until about 7 years ago. I know they won’t admit it, and they will probably say they let him win, but we all know dad could show them up. My dad took pride in his work. He would work until the job was done. Whether he was repairing something at the church or at a building in Florida, or setting up a room for someone to meet or teach, my dad would work until it was done. Now, at home, that was a different story. And I think there were times when we were glad he gave up trying to fix something. He would get quite grumpy, dare I say angry when things didn’t cooperate. So we knew duct tape would be used, and we would all live happier.

I imagine that he wished that using duct tape was a resource he could use in disciplining his children. Our dad also was a strong disciplinarian. I think he scared my cousins more than he scared us. But, even my kids know that dad would knock our elbows with the end of knife if we had our elbows on the table. He has high expectations for us. He wants us to have opportunities and advantages. He wants his children to contribute to this world. He was willing to work long hours, and work multiple jobs, and be heavy handed at times in order to provide for us. As a parent I know how hard it is to be strong and hold my ground. I know my mom and dad must have wanted to throw their arms up and let us run around like the little maniacs we were because they were so tired and frustrated. But they both held their ground. My dad was scary when we stepped out of line, but at the same time, I don’t remember him as a scary dad.

I remember how he coached our softball and baseball teams. How after working he would come out and encourage us and support us in whatever we were busy with. He could be so gruff, but when he coached he was patient and affirming. That is what I remember about my dad. How he affirms each one of us. He would come to my opera productions and sit through the yelling and screaming and crazy costumes and foreign languages and then just put his arm around me and say “you done real good;” or “that was real pretty.” I would laugh and say, “Did you hear how I messed up that high note.” He would say, “Now which ones are the high notes” or, “I don’t know what you are talking about, I thought you sounded real pretty.” I know he could have been doing a million other things, but he was there and he affirmed that it was ok to be different. My value as his daughter isn’t based on whether I can sing great high notes, or get the best grades, he loves me just because I am his.

My dad is funny. He doesn’t have to try too hard. He has a wicked sense of humor. He will be the quiet one standing in the corner at a social gathering, but by the end of the night everyone is standing near him wanting to hear his perceptions. His laugh gets funnier as he ages. I used to think when he laughed his head would explode because he was trying so hard to hold it in. He can get you to laugh under pressure and put you at ease. When he caters events, he never loses his cool. He knows that he is there to relieve the host of the pressure and to get the job done. So he could use his sense of humor to cut the tension and get the things done that would make for a success. I know he wants us to laugh. He wants us to know it is ok to laugh and enjoy being with each other and teasing him. I must admit, our joking sometimes makes others uneasy. Nothing is off limits or too sensitive to be joked about. So through my tears I laugh about how God isn’t sure He can handle Dad, so He lets us have him a little longer, despite the odds. I am not sure God will be any more prepared, but I know that I will be ready to have my dad hold me in his arms when I get to heaven.

There is no easy segueing to tell you how I feel when considering saying goodbye to my dad. He was a difficult man to live with growing up. My mom can testify to that even more than his brothers, his parents, and his children. He didn’t always make the best choices. The consequences impacted all of us. I know he never wanted or wants to hurt us. I know he never wanted my mom, or his children, or his siblings, or parents, or nieces or nephews or his friends to endure suffering or disappointment based on his actions. But the reality is that we all make poor choices sometimes. None of us know how to walk this world. My dad lives and loves. He made mistakes and he suffered and continues to suffer the consequences. He hurt those he loved, and he reconciled with us. I want more time with my dad. I want him to see that what he gives to this world is meaningful and significant. I want him to see his grandchildren grow and learn the principles that he taught us. That even though we couldn’t stand his discipline sometimes, or his temper; we knew the values of his love for us which were unconditional and ever-present. We will teach our children that love. We will teach them hard work, and strong work ethics. We will teach them loyalty and self-confidence. We will teach them strength and dignity. We will teach them to laugh and enjoy family. For even though family is flawed, dysfunctional, complicated, and all together stressful sometimes; family is the gift we give each other. We inherit our family and have a responsibility to love and care for one another regardless of beliefs, differences, mistakes, successes, pain, joy, births and death. So even though my dad was difficult to live with, life will be more difficult to live without him. I love you dad.