The Power of Kindness

The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life. I am really enjoying this book. I love non-fiction, and in particular psychotherapy/psychology books. It's kind of weird, I know. But, somehow learning more about how my brain works, your brain works, my kids brains gives me some sense of comfort and understanding. Unfortunately, it doesn't give me any control. In fact, quite the contrary. I may understand why I am feeling the way I do, but, I don't know how to stop feeling. However, there is comfort in understanding.

I am currently pondering the following paragraph written by Pierro Farrucci:
We cannot be kind if we forget those who are no longer useful to us. We will never be whole and comfortable, in ourselves and with others, if we divide people into Grade A and Grade B. We will not understand the relationships we have with one another if we do not deeply understand how much our lives are woven together in the past, present, and the future, how much they become part of one another, and how much each one of us is everyone else.

I don't think this means we have to hold onto relationships that are unhealthy. In fact, I think that is the last thing we should do. However, I do think it is important to validate the relevancy of those relationships in our lives as a whole. Personally, I know there are relationships that were valuable at one point, then grew strained as time passed. Obviously change happens whether or not we are prepared or eager for it. But I have been inflexible at times in adjusting to the changes in certain relationships.

One of the most influential relationships (next to my family) in my life was with my voice teacher in college. She saw me. I mean, saw beyond my voice, beyond my circumstances. She invested in me as a person. I spent two summers living in her home. I took lessons, found a job, and engaged in intellectual conversations about life, music, and the future. I learned so much about her, music, voice, and most of all, I learned about myself. As I developed and saw life as more than just my voice, distance and frustration developed between my teacher and myself. In so many ways I have regretted the way I handled my friendship with this pivotal person in my life. I wish I could tell her how much she meant to me. She sacrificed to share her heart and wisdom with me. She had a husband, a daughter and son, and granddaughters. She had a full life, and yet she let me in. I was allowed to be not only who I was, but to learn who I wanted to be. What an amazing gift she gave me. I feel like I let her down by not recognizing and validating her sacrifice and gift.

Fast forward 13 years, and another pivotal relationship was gifted to me. This time, I knew what a cherished, special moment I was experiencing. But, similar to the past, I was unable to be flexible and adaptable to the changes that were inevitable. Anger tends to be my first response to these changes that are so outside of my control. It is one of the least favorite characteristics about myself. I can't explain the pain and hurt that I brought on myself, my family, and my dear friend. No amount of apologies will likely alter the devastation that my inability to adapt caused. It wasn't just how I handled the friendship as it was changing, it was my inability to understand how to manage the friendship as it unfolded. I don't believe there is limit to the love we can offer one another. But, how we offer it does have boundaries. My inability to manage those boundaries not only hurt my friend, myself, my family, but the family and friends of those who love each one of us.

Would I go back? Would I have chosen differently? I don't think so. I loved my voice teacher. She taught me so much. She showed me love and acceptance that I needed in order to grow as a musician and a person. I would never go back and change loving my friend who came along 13 years later. Her life, her past, her story changed me and how I see this world. I am forever changed by the intertwining of our lives. I would change how I cared for both of these dear people in my life. I would show my teacher that she was vital in my development socially, mentally, personally, and spiritually. Maybe my fear of losing this earlier relationship altered how I managed this most recent friendship. Maybe I held it too close and wasn't flexible because I was afraid that the friendship would end. But wouldn't you know, the fear became reality. I allowed that fear to dictate how I adapted, and then the friendship did indeed diminish and in many ways has disappeared.

I am still processing how to make amends with myself over these two friendships. I have forgiven myself for my inabilities and my lack of awareness. I have let go of the anger at myself, which is really the only anger that I carried. What I can take is a recognition of how these relationships shaped my life. They are part of my history, woven into the story of my life. During the present moments, I feel lonely because I can't reach out or extend myself in any significant way to make amends. I am not angry, not bitter, not depressed. I am sad. Sad that because of the difficulties I created in these two relationships I may have enforced to either one of them that love is something that should be restrained and limited. That the negative effects of my inflexibility may make someone else believe that sharing love is dangerous or painful. The wounds that this world creates through our humanness will scar each that risks caring for another. I read the Power of Kindness to strengthen my heart so I can enter into more loving relationships that will weave future chapters in my life story. These are only 2 examples of the many that impact me to this day. There are no Grade A or Grade B friends. I don't want anyone to feel the sentiments that Piero Farruci describe in the following passage.
To be forgotten because we do not count is devastating. It is social exile. To be remembered, valued, taken into consideration like everyone else, makes us feel worthwhile. But the act of remembering is beneficial also to those who remember. To live in a state of amnesia, to live without history, is lethal because we no longer know who we are.

Calgon, take me away

Don't you wish it was easy as that. Just a bath and all the stress and tension would be washed away. I am willing to give it a shot. A calgon bath is one of those gifts that you can give yourself and it will indeed create an environment for you to breathe, refresh, and enjoy the slowing of time. Not often do we advocate for ourselves or for others to take this kind of time. But, I am finding, when I am able, it is indeed a time when the heaviness of fear, disappointment, and frustration can be washed away, at least momentarily.

I started this blog last night after watching football. I imagine football players, especially those on the losing team, really enjoy a good calgon bath. The pressure they have to perform under is intense and the disappointments must be crushing. I know the players are not performing brain surgery or saving victims from a burning building. They are providing entertainment and getting paid a lot to do so. But still, losing is never fun. I wonder if a Calgon moment would help the kicker who didn't make the field goal, or the receiver who missed the catch, or the quarter back who threw an interception.

I know it provides a moment of comfort and relaxation for me. But, when the moment passes, I am left with reality. Today's reality seems bleak at best. I have been relatively productive. Did the laundry, made soup from leftover turkey, read my favorite book of the moment (The Power of Kindness, the Unexpected Benefits of Leadiang a Compassionate Life), talked with a good friend. But, the pain in my back made me feel limited and tired. When I move the wrong way, or stand too long, it just kills. I know it will get better. However, today I felt like I have been forced into a Calgon moment because I can't move. It's not as relaxing when you are forced to slow down.

In these moments of "required" rest and relaxation, my brain goes a little crazy. The distractions that keep me from observing the reality of my life are distant and limited. So I am left to consider the pain of those I love and the distance that brokenness and limits perpetuate. I want to do something to reach out, to love, to connect, to care. But, I am limited. And...the reality is, I may never be able to care, love, reach, or connect to those that I love. Limitations of locations, time, and money prohibit my ability to "be there" for those I love. But the greater limitation is that some relationships don't want me to "be there". I don't mean that as pathetically as it sounds. I understand, for whatever reasons, I am not needed, wanted, or able to support and love in some relationships. I am torn as to what to do with that.

It hurts knowing that there is pain created by this world that no amount of love or care can mend or temper. At least no amount of love and care I can give. I know God can provide comfort and peace where I can not. I pray that my kids know and love this God who can support and love them in ways that I will never be equipped to do. Surely not for lack of desire, but in the reality of my humanness, I will never be able to comfort their deepest sorrows. I will hold them and I will cry with them, but I won't have the answers, and I won't be able to calm their fears.

Today I could use a Calgon moment. But, rather than distancing myself from the sorrow and pain that grieves my heart and the hearts of those I love, I will live in the moment. I will feel the darkness and trust in the light that is provided in the hope of One who knows and loves beyond all understanding.

My dad

Before I share my thoughts about my dad, I just have to share a few words about my mom. My heart breaks for my mother who walks this path with my dad. It is painful and lonely at times. I know there were times throughout their marriage that my mom would have like to have killed my dad herself. But, she in her loving and grace-filled heart knows that the path she walks, though painful and hard, will reap so many wonderful moments and memories. She stands by him and models to all of us that love is an action. It is forgiveness in the midst of guilt. It is comfort in the midst of pain. It is work in the midst of struggles. It is endurance in the midst of exhaustion. It is laughter in the midst of tears. I admire my mother so much for how she loves my father. It is for her and the love that she models every day that we will walk the path of grief, sadness, and heart-break with dignity, respect, and affection.

I know that words won’t accurately explain or portray who my dad is. He is more than he ever gives himself credit for. My dad is more than just my dad. He is a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a co-worker and a husband. Many of you know him in one way or another. But, I know him as my dad. Our family has talked often about our memories growing up and how we remember things so differently. To me, dad is the man that gives loyally to those he loves and trusts. He is authentic. You never have to guess too long about what he thinks.. He says it like he sees it. This “honesty” as we Deals like to call it is a gift and a curse. I know that each of his children have used this “honesty” to get out of trouble, and often to get in trouble. But dad never criticizes us for speaking our mind. There is never a punishment for speaking up for ourselves or for others. This character trait gets him into a fair amount of trouble. And his friends and family love him and care for him (and for our family) no matter what the trouble or the success.

My dad is strong. Physically, he is strong. My dad could outrun my brothers until about 7 years ago. I know they won’t admit it, and they will probably say they let him win, but we all know dad could show them up. My dad took pride in his work. He would work until the job was done. Whether he was repairing something at the church or at a building in Florida, or setting up a room for someone to meet or teach, my dad would work until it was done. Now, at home, that was a different story. And I think there were times when we were glad he gave up trying to fix something. He would get quite grumpy, dare I say angry when things didn’t cooperate. So we knew duct tape would be used, and we would all live happier.

I imagine that he wished that using duct tape was a resource he could use in disciplining his children. Our dad also was a strong disciplinarian. I think he scared my cousins more than he scared us. But, even my kids know that dad would knock our elbows with the end of knife if we had our elbows on the table. He has high expectations for us. He wants us to have opportunities and advantages. He wants his children to contribute to this world. He was willing to work long hours, and work multiple jobs, and be heavy handed at times in order to provide for us. As a parent I know how hard it is to be strong and hold my ground. I know my mom and dad must have wanted to throw their arms up and let us run around like the little maniacs we were because they were so tired and frustrated. But they both held their ground. My dad was scary when we stepped out of line, but at the same time, I don’t remember him as a scary dad.

I remember how he coached our softball and baseball teams. How after working he would come out and encourage us and support us in whatever we were busy with. He could be so gruff, but when he coached he was patient and affirming. That is what I remember about my dad. How he affirms each one of us. He would come to my opera productions and sit through the yelling and screaming and crazy costumes and foreign languages and then just put his arm around me and say “you done real good;” or “that was real pretty.” I would laugh and say, “Did you hear how I messed up that high note.” He would say, “Now which ones are the high notes” or, “I don’t know what you are talking about, I thought you sounded real pretty.” I know he could have been doing a million other things, but he was there and he affirmed that it was ok to be different. My value as his daughter isn’t based on whether I can sing great high notes, or get the best grades, he loves me just because I am his.

My dad is funny. He doesn’t have to try too hard. He has a wicked sense of humor. He will be the quiet one standing in the corner at a social gathering, but by the end of the night everyone is standing near him wanting to hear his perceptions. His laugh gets funnier as he ages. I used to think when he laughed his head would explode because he was trying so hard to hold it in. He can get you to laugh under pressure and put you at ease. When he caters events, he never loses his cool. He knows that he is there to relieve the host of the pressure and to get the job done. So he could use his sense of humor to cut the tension and get the things done that would make for a success. I know he wants us to laugh. He wants us to know it is ok to laugh and enjoy being with each other and teasing him. I must admit, our joking sometimes makes others uneasy. Nothing is off limits or too sensitive to be joked about. So through my tears I laugh about how God isn’t sure He can handle Dad, so He lets us have him a little longer, despite the odds. I am not sure God will be any more prepared, but I know that I will be ready to have my dad hold me in his arms when I get to heaven.

There is no easy segueing to tell you how I feel when considering saying goodbye to my dad. He was a difficult man to live with growing up. My mom can testify to that even more than his brothers, his parents, and his children. He didn’t always make the best choices. The consequences impacted all of us. I know he never wanted or wants to hurt us. I know he never wanted my mom, or his children, or his siblings, or parents, or nieces or nephews or his friends to endure suffering or disappointment based on his actions. But the reality is that we all make poor choices sometimes. None of us know how to walk this world. My dad lives and loves. He made mistakes and he suffered and continues to suffer the consequences. He hurt those he loved, and he reconciled with us. I want more time with my dad. I want him to see that what he gives to this world is meaningful and significant. I want him to see his grandchildren grow and learn the principles that he taught us. That even though we couldn’t stand his discipline sometimes, or his temper; we knew the values of his love for us which were unconditional and ever-present. We will teach our children that love. We will teach them hard work, and strong work ethics. We will teach them loyalty and self-confidence. We will teach them strength and dignity. We will teach them to laugh and enjoy family. For even though family is flawed, dysfunctional, complicated, and all together stressful sometimes; family is the gift we give each other. We inherit our family and have a responsibility to love and care for one another regardless of beliefs, differences, mistakes, successes, pain, joy, births and death. So even though my dad was difficult to live with, life will be more difficult to live without him. I love you dad.

If only you knew...

If only you knew...

I am sorry.
It is never my intention to hurt you. My heart breaks when your heart breaks. Sometimes I am the one doing the breaking through my words, both spoken and unspoken. I so wish I could go back. But as my dear friend K. told me: the only things you can't take back are time and words.

I love you.
Even when I don't understand, I still love you. Even when it hurts, I still love you. When we don't see eye to eye, and we don't have the words to speak, I still love you. I won't give up.

I miss you.
I miss the way it used to be. I miss the fun, and the life, and the joy. Surely life takes us into dark places. I won't run away or hide. I miss knowing your dreams and fears. I miss you sharing what you think. Your unique perspective and voice in my life is missed deeply.

I forgive.
I forgive myself for not knowing, not understanding, not listening, not hearing, not protecting, not enjoying, not valuing, not appreciating. What I am realizing though is that I can forgive myself, but I may make the mistakes again. Every time the pattern plays itself out, I realize the pain and hurt I cause. I forgive myself, but I never forget that I hurt you.

I pray for you.
I pray that you find joy and peace. I don't pray that every day will be happy, but I do pray that you see yourself and realize that God loves you in your pain and in your joy. It is hard to feel Him sometimes. Often you may feel you don't deserve Him or would rather not feel Him because you aren't worthy. But I pray you sense his arms around you. Even when you don't want to look at yourself, I pray you will let Him shine through you as He does each and every day.

I grieve for you.
I grieve that you have to hurt and watch this world hurt those you love. I mourn for the loss of all those you love and no longer have. I cry for the pain that you have endured and will continue to suffer. When I linger in this grief, I feel like I can't breathe. But, then I realize that you are living that pain and suffocating in the grief, and I just wish I could take it for awhile so you would be at peace for a moment or two in your day.

I rejoice with you.
I rejoice with you in your accomplishments both large and small. I celebrate the victories of when you touch a heart and impact who they become because you see them and hear them. You are gifted in so many ways, and it is a blessing to me to watch you offer all that you are to this world.

I hope.
I hope that in this moment you know you are loved. Not only loved by me, but loved by our God who uniquely designed you to live in this place and time. I hope that one day I can be all that I want to be in your life and in the life of those I love. I hope that regardless of what paths our lives take,we will realize the great gift God gave us.

If only you knew...
You changed me.
You impacted who I am and who I want to be.

This is for each of you who have been on the other end of my harsh words, my critical eye, my unkind actions. It is for those of you who know the pain of loss and distance because life circumstances prevent us from understanding or supporting each other. I love you and am thankful for you.

My head is spinning

It's Sunday afternoon, and I have had so much spinning around in my head that I haven't been able to focus my thoughts to articulate them in any comprehendable way. I have been able to see God in the midst of so many situations. Future blogging will cover the following subjects:

1. Lullabies
2. Pets
3. Adoption
4. Pain
5. Sky Mall Shopping
6. Duty Free Shopping
7. Dress Shopping
8. Shoe Shopping
9. Recitals
10. Sorrow

Don't know if the blogs will be in that order, but I have at least written them down so they can stop spinning in my head. Today I have an awful headache. It's been a while since my head has hurt like this, but at least I no longer worry that it will never go away. Funny how when things are going well I wonder when the other shoe will fall; but, when things are painful or negative, I wonder if it will ever end.

If you have no one, no one will hurt you

These lyrics captured me. I have been pondering them and then accessing from my experience and from those around me whether I believe it, accept it, live by it, or would die by it.

I do believe the lyrics to be true. No one will hurt you if you never engage with anyone. That being said, I have to believe that really, others are not always and/or usually, who hurts us. Don't you think that we end up hurting ourselves by living by expectations or judgements that either can't be lived up to or aren't our assessments to make? Surely people want to live up to our expectations. I mean, I definitely want to live up to the expectations of my friends and family. But, so often I have no idea what need I could fill or what desire lies in their heart. I can't begin to meet expectations for those around me.

Then of course there are the expectations that I am fully aware of, but am unwilling to meet. For instance, my darling son shared with me today the following note:

You treat Julia better than me. You always jump to a conclusion. You put us to work. Sure, you put away 1/3 of the food, and Julia and I each did 1/3. But then I was stuck with putting away 2/3 of the dishes plus putting the dirty ones in the dishwasher while Julia only did 1/3. We thank you for dinner, but sometimes I want something different from everyone else. No offense but you make it sound like its the end of the world. I know you do just as much work in a day, but school's really difficult and I want time to be with my friends and chill out. But, I have to do just as much work as a grown up.

(Before I continue, indulge me a moment. Isn't this awesome. I mean he shared the same thoughts with me verbally, but I didn't know what to sa? or how to make him feel heard. I mean he does feel "put upon". So I told him that I was sorry that I didn't understand his predicament but he could write down his thoughsso I could process them a little better. That is pretty articulate. 5th Grade rationale at its finest. If I were able to do this, I would not get into as much trouble as I do. I love that boy.)

So according to my son's expectations, I shouldn't ask so much of him. I didn't know how to respond to his note. I appreciated him articulating what he was thinking. I was definitely not angry, but obviously he has a feeling of entitlement that I would like to "nip in the bud". I mean, really? God love him. You just don't know 'til you know what you don't know. There was no point in clarifying. He will find out on his own. But I was ready to send him to Chef Paul's kitchen for a day. Or, maybe he would enjoy being in the secretary's office answering questions and making calls. I was ready to hook him up with a reality check. Expectations clearly cannot be met.

There are expectations that I am unaware of, expectations that I simply can't meet, and then there are expectations that aren't there. My friends don't expect a whole lot of me, but I feel like I would never want to let them down. It is hard saying "no", or "I can't" or "Can you help?" I just don't want to need or expect anything of others. Wrongly, I believe they will be disappointed or mad at me. This is definitely the case in our marriage. It has taken me some time to realize Chris doesn't expect me to be totally still in bed. He used to get grumpy with me if I would move or unintentionally wake him up. From that response, I concluded I shouldn't move, so I wouldn't irritate or disappoint him. He works hard, he deserves to sleep (even if he snores like a freight train). Sometimes I would move to the guest bedroom or the family room to watch tv or read, but he would come looking for me. I stopped moving altogether out of fear. Chris didn't have this expectation of me, and he was completely unaware that he woke up and responded angrily to me. I thought there was an expectation, but I was wrong.

But, I think that in each of those circumstances and in so many others, it is the expectation I place on myself that perpetrates the greatest frustration and pain. It isn't intentional. It may not be this way for everyone. I remember, not too long ago, (maybe last week, no it's been awhile now) I had these phrases running through my head. "I just can't do it right." "I am not good enough." "I should have been able to do it better." "Do what?", you ask. Anything and everything. I said this over and over to my bestest friend and my husband. The more I said it, the more I could point to situation after situation where I had let myself down. My response was to push the people closest to me further and further away so they wouldn't see how inept and sub-standard I was. I let myself down by not living up to the expectation in my head. I couldn't be everything to those I loved. I was falling short. I didn't want to see it and I certainly didn't want anyone else to see it.

Though I agree that if you have no one, no one will hurt you; I don't believe you won't hurt if you have no one. In fact, I think I can inflict as much pain on myself as anyone. It is the blessings in the relationships around methat inspire me and affirm me. The love, the understanding, the forgiveness, the acceptance, the joy, the laughter, the tears, the teasing, and the fun I have with those who dare venture into this crazy life that is the Hollingsworth's is evidence of God's love. He changes me through those around me. Through the kindness of my friends who listen to me cry about the same loss of relationship over and over, I know that it will be ok. Through the thoughtfulness of an unexpected message on facebook where I am encouraged, I know that it will be ok. I know it will be ok because my husband keeps filling my water glass and bringing me coffee in the morning. He is here for me. Though we don't always see eye to eye on how that should look, there is no questions that he is in this journey with me. The message on Sunday comforted me in knowing that I don't have to always "feel" God's presence. I am thankful that the spirit within me can moan and cry to God and He will hear it. I don't have to have the words, or feel the "right" emotion to be connected to God.

I sometimes feel like I am not as strong a Christian as I should be because I can't do it alone. I sometimes (periodically, ok frequently) don't feel God's presence as I pray or study or sing. It is often through interactions with others that I best sense God's presence. (Clarification: I am not suggesting that I always need to have these interactions. I realize in the quiet and stillness that I can hear myself and God working through the fabric of my life. As with most things, it is a balance.) I don't want to live out the lyrics that have captured my attention the past few days. I don't want to be alone, or do this life alone. As Spring Awakening lyrics suggest:

O, I'm gonna be wounded
O, I'm gonna be your wound
O, I'm gonna bruise you
O, you're gonna be my bruise

It's inevitable. Sorry friends, it does sound painful. But in the midst of the pain we will share great times. I promise the bruises and wounds are not my intentions. Unfortunately, they will be unavoidable. I'll get the band-aids ready.

I love Brody

It's true, I am in love with another male. He is 6 months old, and he has swept me off my feet. His giggle, his smile, his coos, just perfect. Remember that feeling, when you were swept away by some one's smile. Was it your child's, or your first love, or your spouse's, or you significant other, or a teacher who actually saw you, or the youth group leader who knew you were more than that one hour on Sunday morning? I remember those feelings in each of the above scenarios. It is a moment that stops your heart and validates you like nothing else. I guess when Brody smiled back at me and giggled I knew we were connecting. Admitting that I need that validation and that "response" that happens in a relationship makes me feel weak. What I am realizing is that I don't "need" that, but it is a great blessing and one that I enjoy experiencing.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." and "Love your neighbor as yourself." run through my mind each day. Realizing that I can not treat anyone any other way than how I expect to be treated, and I can't love anyone fully unless I first love myself was revolutionary. I still battle these truths. Am I really supposed to love this person, myself? Am I really lovable? So often I want to lavishly love the people around me, but I don't like to accept the love back from others. What am I trying to prove? Do I think God loves me more if I give of my time, energy, or resources? I think there are times when I am hoping I will be more lovable if I give. It seems selfish to stop and do the things that I need in order to feel loved. It is better to give than to receive. But I have to know myself and love who God made me to be in order to give fully and to love fully. What a balancing act that is.

I wish and hope that one day I will look in the mirror and be "captured" or swept off my feet by who God made me to be. As I see the love in the eyes of kids, I imagine how great it is to be young and to not have this world's views fully exposed. But the reality is that some children, even from birth are not innocent or protected from this world's sin. But, I am encouraged by those who have swept me off of my feet by the smile in their eyes. I will continue to strive to know myself and to know who God made me to be so that I can love people wholly and genuinely. I love you Brody. I know that you are loved and made uniquely to share the love that God is sharing with you and through you. Thank you for sharing it with me today.

Observations

I am running on a few hours sleep so I haven't really processed too much of what I experienced today; and I have concluded, that is ok. Sometimes processing is overrated. But, a few things I did notice:

1. I saw a man with the longest neck I had ever seen.
2. I also saw a man with the biggest forehead that I had ever seen. I notice foreheads, and this was definitely the largest I have ever seen. No judgement meant in either observations.
3. Walking 10,000 steps takes a concerted effort. I spent two days walking my usual routine. My highest number of steps was 4000'ish steps. So obviously, 10,000 took some thinking. But it was really fun. I spent time on ISU's campus both before and after having lunch with Chris. It was a beautiful fall day.
4. I don't remember my college campus quad being as quiet as ISU's quad was today.
5. Walking in loafers with a slight heel feels ok for about 4,000 steps, but after that, not so good.
6. I like Barnes and Noble at 9am in the morning. And, I really like planning Christmas concerts for my little friends while enjoying a cup of decaf coffee at Barnes and Nobles. (FYI: Blooming Grove Day at Barnes and Noble is this Saturday. Stop by and buy.)
7. I believe Hockey should be a required sport for husbands and wives; only without the blades, the sticks, and the ice.
8. When working with my 3 year olds, I realized that we have a very narrow scope of what animals were at the manger when Jesus was born. I bet that the lions, tigers, hippos, butterflies, dogs, cats, and giraffes were there in addition to the traditional animals. They probably stopped by, paid their homage and moved on.
9. Having an unexpected gift of time today was very special and appreciated.
10. I miss the friends that I don't get to see or talk to very often.

I am looking forward to some quality time with a friend and her baby tomorrow. I am planning on getting lots of rest and making a delicious lunch.

Living in the moment

I am not sure I understand the statement, "just live in the moment." I hear it all the time. Don't worry about the future, and let go of the past. Don't live in the past, and the future will take care of itself. So, live in the moment.

I live in the moment until the bills come, or friends' feelings are hurt, or there is no dinner made, or no clean clothes for the kids. I live in the moment until my husband says, "You did what?!?!" I live in the moment until I look into the eyes of my kids and see the hope and promise that consideration of their future is worth. Buying the line "live in the moment." has its place, no question. We are called to trust God to provide for the future, and we are called to forgive the past. But, what does it mean to "live in the moment".

I want to give careful consideration to the lessons that I want my children to learn as they grow. So sometimes living in the moment means struggling with the unpleasantness of holding my kids accountable even though doing so makes them and me miserable. I want them to learn that personal discipline and self-control are valuable life skills. But teaching that requires modeling both discipline and self-control which often times contradict living in the moment. I don't always want to clean up the kitchen, or do the laundry, or make my bed, or do the bills, or turn the tv off. Sometimes I want to leave a mess and sit in my pjs watching tv. (And sometimes I do.) I want my kids to know they can do that, sometimes, but not always.

Living in the moment also presents contradictions when you look at married life and the expectations that vows and commitments require. Not just in marriage, but in mortgages, job contracts, student loans, car loans, and even the unspoken commitments of loyalty and honesty between friends. If all married people lived in the moment, they wouldn't stay married (which may explain the high percentage of divorce). I mean there are times when being married is stressful, unpleasant, and blah. (I couldn't think of a good word to summarize the vast discomfort and disgust that marriage can cause in varied frequency depending on the time of month and the age and number of children). If I lived in the moment, I would have driven far far away years ago. If my husband lived in the moment, he would have run home telling his parents that he had married a demon and needed to alter his name and appearance to escape the inevitable life struggle that he had unknowingly but willingly contractually agreed to. If we lived in the moment, our poor kids, who knows what ragged messes and mental cases they would be. We have done quite a bit of damage to their little psyches, but most of the damage was intentional. Well, not intentional, but there has been quite a bit of concerted effort put into shaping them with and without certain "issues" So living in the moment doesn't bode well for family relationships.

And what about friendships? I have friends that stand beside me and lift me up when my legs are too weary, or my brain is too scattered. However, there have been moments when I surely didn't respond to them lovingly or considerately. In fact, I know that I have caused innumerable pain to at least one if not numerous close friends. Not intentionally, but my actions, my words, my lack of response caused pain none the less. I am still disappointed by my behavior towards some of my dearest friends. I did live in the moment, and it didn't serve me. I was angry and my words bit anyone who would listen. My anger in one moment scared and bullied a friend whose heart I held very dear to my own. So living in the moment doesn't seem to reap the benefits that my counselor often advocates.

"Living in the moment" requires an awareness of the past and prayer for the future. It is definitely not as easy as it sounds. I don't think it means fretting or worrying. I don't think it means disregarding morals for the sake of an immediate pleasure, (though I think that sounds like fun sometimes). I guess it means consideration and thoughtfulness in every situation. I know for me that means slowing down and looking around; taking time to see; observing which direction I came from, and which direction this moment will take me. I have to think out the consequences of my actions in the moment, so I can forecast a bit if I will hurt or be hurt in the process. Sometimes it means acting despite knowing the pain is inevitable. Sometimes it means being quiet even though the silence is unbearable. Often times it means acknowledging the needs of those around me and sacrificing what the moment can bring me for what bypassing the moment can bring to those I love.

What I know for sure about living in the moment is that it always means loving those around us. I am challenged knowing that I can only love others as much as I love myself. I don't think that means loving myself in a haughty or proud way. But knowing myself enough to love who I am, acknowledge what I need, validate where I am in life, and continually learn why I am here. We are each in our own "moments", just trying to live. The greatest obstacle we face is how to love ourselves enough that we can love those around us with generous, uninhibited, care-free, and joyous hearts. As my day goes on, I will be living in the moment; trusting that I am so loved that I can share my love abundantly.

What's wrong?

Don't you think it is interesting that when someone is having a hard time, out of sorts, or just grumpy, the common question is, "what's wrong?" Think of how many times we ask our children this question. "What's the problem?, What's wrong?. What's going on?" I was asked that question today. My response, "I don't know." You know that feeling when you just don't know? You feel blah, sad, just under, not yourself. Nothing specific to cause the feeling, but everything in general just feels a little off. I love thinking about how kids must feel when asked that question. If we can't figure out what is wrong sometimes, I can so understand why a child can't articulate a feeling.

Or...why did you do that? Isn't that another interesting question for a child, or an adult. Most of us don't know "why" in the midst of an action. We can figure it out, but sometimes, that doesn't even happen. I wish I could figure out why I do what I do, or why I feel what I feel. And when that question comes, and you are asked to articulate the great unknown reasons "why", there is nothing, which in and of itself causes even more confusion and dismay. We want to know our hearts and our feelings, whether good or bad. We want a reason why it hurts or aches. Somehow if there was a reason, we surely could make it better.

Today I was thinking about whether God is disappointed in those moments of our sadness and despair. I don't have enough fingers or toes to count the blessings that God has given me. Should that not be enough for me to thank my lucky stars and sing praises to His greatness? Can I do that and still feel sad, alone, frustrated. The sky was beautiful tonight, breathtaking as a matter of fact. There were so many colors and shades of light and darkness. The moon was beside me with its face clear and all knowing. There were very subtle cotton clouds that drifted close by. Straight ahead were the bright orange hues of the sun setting. Not just orange, but pink, purple, red, yellow. Then the blue sky just above the colors. Then the darkness with wispy clouds stretched across the night sky. I so wanted to drive to that orange beauty. Just past the clouds, past the darkness, past the impending night. I wanted to follow the light and live in its warmth. I didn't want to look towards the darkness and certainly didn't want to turn into it. But, that is exactly what I had to do to get home. So on one side now I see the beauty of the setting sun, and to the other, the bright moon with the fluffy clouds playing around the smile of its face.

Are our lives like that night sky sometimes? All the joy and reverence of the light, all the fear and loneliness of the darkness wrapped in our hearts and minds and souls. And where is God in that sky? Is He the light? Is He the moon, the stars, the darkness, the clouds? If I drive to the sunset, will He be there offering me peace and comfort? If I go into the darkness, will He meet me there and hold me close? If I go to the moon, will He allow me to play like the clouds that float free and easy? Do I have to go anywhere? I don't want the darkness that looms close. It represents the loss of those people, ideals, gifts, and identity that I thought God gave me and that I somehow was unable to prove worthy enough to keep. I don't want to look too closely or share too deeply the reality of how lost in the darkness some days and nights feel to me. Does God still love me in this place? He has given me so much and I have failed to be who He made me to be. I have hurt my family, my friends, and my God.

In the night sky tonight I saw God in the darkness and in the light, in the clouds and in the moon. I wanted to be there, but He was here. He was with me, singing to me through His painted sky as I looked at his goodness and cried in my sorrow. He knows I have failed. He knows that I am not all He wants me to be. He knows I didn't honor all of His gifts to me. And He knows that I will continue to struggle with the darkness that looms too close and wraps around me threatening to steel the peace that is the essence of His love. Knowing all this about me, my God is here, right here, with me. He is with me in the darkness and in the light. He is with me in my sin and in my songs of praise. He just loves me. He loves me when I can't remember who I am or who He wants me to be. He loves me when I forget that His goodness is ever present and always true. He loves me when I question and when I cry.

So like our little children who don't know why they are grumpy or why they hit, cry, run, push, yell, and struggle to coordinate their actions when they don't even know what they are feeling; we too question how to make our lives reflect the goodness of God in the midst of this world. Often times we don't know why we feel sadness in the midst of His goodness. And all too often, we know too well that the sorrow stems from loss and pain that only our Father can understand because He too lost His son and watched through tearful eyes the pain and abuse that Jesus suffered. God is here. He is with me, and He is with you. He doesn't take all the pain and He doesn't protect us from the sorrow. He just lives it with us, if we let him.

A little down

I posted this picture in hopes of bringing a smile to my face. Check out those skinny little legs. How I wish they were mine in reality. But, I am appreciative that I am learning how to hula hoop,and maybe one day soon I will have skinny legs.

Today has been a lazy day around the house. My legs and body were non-functioning. I have a condition (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) that hits me hard when I am not managing to balance my activity level appropriately. I have been doing quite a bit better. The shaking is much less, as are the headaches. But after being on my feet for the past couple of days, I crashed pretty hard. My legs and joints hurt and I have dizzy feelings when I stand up. So I have been pretty quiet and unmotivated. I always suffer some down moments on days like this. I feel like I have gotten so much down, but when the energy passes I become afraid that I will fall back into the darkness that often attempts to keep me down. My mom had good insight and reminded me that I had worked hard and pretty non stop so it is ok to listen to my body and let it rest. I want it to bounce back quickly, but I will be waiting patiently.

Reading a great book that is giving me some positive distractions. The Power of Kindness, the Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life. Piero Ferrucci.
It is insightful. Giving me good material to think about. When I slow down, my sorrow always reers its ugly head. I am sad because I have lost opportunities to serve in areas that I truly love and want to serve in.. I am heart broken that the very parts of me that GOd created and is molding in me isn't considered a gift, but an attribute to hide so others are not made unccomfortable. I get it. I am sad. I wish I could feel the inclusion that God desires for each of us. I want to keep searching in my church, but for some, that might be too painful.

I do have to share the praise of good friends. I have spent months crying, praying, distraught, and downcast because I thought a friendship that I relied on and trusted and loved is no longer moving in the direction that God is taking me in. I don't want to let go. I came to grips with the change. But my heart is knowing that it iw not just adjusting to change, it is adjusting to life and friendship as I know it. So finding kindness, warmth,forgiveness means I have to let go. But I miss so much. I will forgive myself for what I wasn't and can never be. I will ask for forgiveness in return. I just am going to be sad in the moments that I realize the great gift of kindness and hope and understanding was real and a lie. Not an intentional lie, just a lie in unawareness. I too committed the sin of lies just out of unawareness of what to do. I am so very sorry for the pain that I caused. I am sorry for the pain this world causes. Please care for my children with the generous spirit, abundant love, and unhindered joy that I want them to see and feel. They are precious, beautiful, and make me so proud. I don't know what the future holds. I know that as I walk each day I will love with warmth and forgiveness and I will pray for my family and friends to forgive me for the pain that was intentional and intentional. I am not perfect. I don't do it all right. I want to do ask you for forgiveness for where I fall short or don't handle a situation better. Please forgive me, and please forgive my children and husband. They are beautiful people who love Jesus and share that love with me even on the days that I can't move. I am tired and quite sad right now. The changes in the past year bring me to my knees. Today holds the promise of his comfort and his love. Tomorrow will be new and full of God's great gifts to us.