Hello, can somebody flip the switch? It's dark in here.

Live each season as it passed, breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. Henry David Thoreau

As it is the last day of the year, I seem somewhat compelled to remark on the past year and the upcoming year. "Somewhat" being the operative word. I want to be able to paint a beautiful picture of this past year; what I learned, how I grew, the joy and the excitement. I want to be able to dream a beautiful picture of what the next year holds for myself and my family and friends. I experienced some really great moments and I confidently trust that there will be many more in 2010. What I most am thinking about on this final day of 2009 is what I learned about myself and the influences that have impacted me.

I am ashamed to admit to some of the moments of 2009. Selfishly, I like to believe that I don't have to incorporate them into my character or even remember them. I found myself in a very deep, dark, dismal place. So dark that I couldn't remember what light looked like. So dark that I didn't know if there was any way out of the hole. Sometimes it would be so dark that I didn't want to be a part of what the world was offering. Days of crying and begging God to take me home to be with Him. Days of trying hard to pull it together so my children wouldn't have to be a part of the darkness that seemed to envelope me. There were days that I couldn't face my husband or my children because I was afraid they would see who I was and how incomplete I was in serving them. My heart hurt. It hurt from the inside out. I felt pain in my chest when I would breathe, and I felt tears sting my eyes when I would try to see the light outside of the moment that I was in.

This darkness was and is a reality. I can get through a few days at a time where I would think I was out of the shadow. But, it could just take a moment of thinking about the pain that tore at the lives of those I love and I would be under the covers, door shut, pillow over my face to muffle the sobbing that seemed to take over. Many know that I am dramatic and that I can draw a story to a climax that may not have been a reality. But, I am afraid that those same people who know me well enough to observe my drama, would acknowledge that this past year was not just Rosie drama. It had been a long time coming. The frustration of 2 jobs that I had to let go of, the illness of my father, the death of a beautiful young woman, the loss of a dear friend, the distance of my family, the judgement of my community, were all realities that culminated and overwhelmed me.

That overwhelming darkness was not overcome by my own abilities. I had to seek help. In addition to professional help, Chris walked this path of searching for a way out of the darkness. We struggle to understand how I could have fallen so deeply when I have been blessed with so much. We realize so much about ourselves, and continue to come to grips with what to do with who we are. We are different than we were 18 years ago when we met. Surely, he didn't sign on for this darkness and despair. I haven't been the wife or mother that I offered to be when we got married. His patience and understanding have been gifts that I often don't recognize or honor. Equally, he unintentionally undermined my integrity and passion with judgement and ridicule. We both bare blame for the environment that became so radically dark. We continue to strive to know more about ourselves so we can know more about each other. But, it is hard work. And, many times, I haven't had the energy to put in to understanding or advancing the process that is marraige.

My dear friends have loved me, despite my hatred for myself. I have been disgusted at times with how I have responded to my family, my children, my friends, co-workers, and complete strangers. Those who love me have loved me enough to give me space, but to also get in my face and kick my a**. Their compassion, strength, dedication, empathy, and character have allowed me to keep breathing, even when the air was a cloud that hurt to breathe. In the midst of every day trials, and extraordinary struggles, my friends set aside time to know me and love me, just where I am. It is humbling. I have grieved for a friendship that is no longer. I can't tell you how many tears I shed and how painful my heart ached for a friendship that I believed was God-given and treasured. I know it was a gift from God and as such blessed gifts are, hard to let go. I still cry at the loss that I feel when I realize that I don't get to be friends anymore. But I can also laugh and enjoy the moments I had and the blessings that have come from loving and letting go.

The friends who have stood along side me through this darkness are testaments, living testaments to God's love for me and for each one of us. I was given the people who I needed when I needed them. My God promises that he can can take all things and make them new. I have to believe that this same God can take the horror and pain of this world and make beautiful friendships and connections come to life at just the precise moment when the darkness is overwhelming. From the friends outside my backdoor, to the ones on each coast of the United States, to the ones in Canada, and the ones across the bridge from Canada, my friends have seen me through the darkness. They held my hand and allowed me to weep in their arms. They have texted, emailed, written, sent cd's, called, and literally kicked me out of my bed in an effort to shake the fog of sadness that limited me from seeing the light. They prayed and they believed when I was unable.

My family has been a constant reminder to me that I am able. I can't look at the people who have surrounded me my whole life, and not recognize the strength it has taken for them to get up and strain to see the light that was so dim at times. Their love and commitment to loving is amazing. So many times we could have all given up, run away, hidden under the covers, hibernated, or just disappeared. But, the strength of character of my parents gives me strength to endure the darkness one more day, one more week, one more month, one more year. Whatever it takes. Because my family doesn't quit or hide. We don't always know what to do, but we know that we have to keep trying, keep loving, keep forgiving.

I have spent a lot of this past year trying to forgive myself for not being who I thought I should be, who I wanted to be, who I thought others wanted me to be. I have had to forgive myself for not knowing how to move past the darkness. I have had to forgive myself for walking into it so far that I didn't know how to get out. In doing so, I have had to wrap my arms around the parts of myself that I don't like and don't want to have. I have had to resign myself to the good and the bad of who I am. Resigning myself doesn't mean I have to like it, or live with it forever. But, I do have to acknowledge the influence that all my experiences have had on who I am. It hasn't been fun. It has been exhausting. And, unfortunately, I know it's not over. As each day passes, I have more experiences to integrate and accept. I will need to ask forgiveness from myself, and from those around me. Humbling, very humbling.

Today, I can say I will humbly walk forward knowing that there is a light that dimly shines. Sometimes it is blinding and I am filled with joy and peace. Sometimes it is the distant glow of a candle not yet bright enough to help me see the next step. This year I hope and pray for acceptance; acceptance of my circumstances, my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, my friends, my family, my husband, my children, and the beautiful children whose eyes have been a constant light in the midst of my darkness. I pray that I will accept people for where they are, for who they are, for why they are, and for what they are. I don't mean in a condoning, undisciplined, undiscerning way. But, rather accept them in a way that loves the heart that God made each person to be, rather than in the way I think they should be or this world thinks they are.

In Him there is no darkness at all. But, until I am with Him in heaven, I will accept the darkness as one step closer to the light that I will rest in forever. I am thankful this day for darkness and the light. I pray that the influences of both will allow me to be who God desires me to be.

Cream of Tartar, mmm...good?

I have enjoyed cooking for friends and family this past year. I like to experiment and try new things, and I often miss the mark. But, sometimes, I hit a real winner. I made a soup last January, (maybe it was late December, definitely after Christmas). Maybe it was potato, or chicken and wild rice. I don't know. What I do know is that it wasn't the texture I wanted. I knew flour would thicken it up, but I knew there was also another ingredient that would do the same job, and I didn't want the soup to have a floury taste. Now whether flour changes the taste is something I don't know, but at the moment I was convinced that I would not use flour. So I searched the cabinet thinking when I saw what I was looking for, I would know it. Eventually I came upon Cream of Tartar. Everyone was in the living room playing Guitar hero, and I risked and trusted myself to know that Cream of Tartar was the ingredient that would thicken the soup. After retrieving a cup or two from the soup I whisked in my magic ingredient. Then returned it to the soup. That didn't really thicken it, so I figured I should add more Cream of Tartar. How many times did I conclude it needed more Cream of Tartar you may be wondering. Oh, maybe 5 times I extracted soup broth, added Cream of Tartar and added the mixture back to the soup.

Guess what? Cream of Tartar is not a thickening agent. Corn Starch is, flour is, but Cream of Tartar is not. But, I served it. It had a slight bitter taste to it, but it was eaten and appreciated by the crew that had assembled to gather for food and fun with friends. I admitted my process of preparing the soup and laughed along with my friends and family at my mishap. How often do we find ourselves so certain only to find out we are totally wrong? Luckily with this meal, no one suffered from my stubbornness. What if I had just asked the group what they thought? Or, called my mom? Or looked up on the Internet? What was I thinking in that one moment that made me so certain of the wrong ingredient? I find myself in that place not just with food, but also with relationships. I can convince myself of a motive or interpretation that is absolutely opposite from a friend's intention. My inclination to "read into" or to accept my own answer instead of just asking the question has caused some major rifts with people that I care about.

I am blessed to say that I have seen reconciliation with one of my dear friends who I had hurt due to my stubbornness and unwavering commitment to my own ideas. I was as resolute in my purpose and ideas as when I was adding Cream of Tartar to my soup. And the bitter taste that resulted caused pain and distance between someone that I respected and loved. Misunderstanding and an inability to stop and consider the thoughts and feelings of another created an environment where resolution and reconciliation was made impossible. Not impossible I guess, since today I can say that I have apologized and been lovingly forgiven. It was a highlight of my year for sure. Grace and love at its best. I pray that for many friendships in my life and in the life of those around me. I have learned however, that it will happen only in God's time. Where I have tried to push my agenda, or dictate a direction, I have pushed people away. So, I wait. I pray. I weep for the loss of those friendships and relationships that suffer the consequences of our human inability. I rejoice in God's ability to make all things new.

I will continue to risk trying new recipes and adding my own twists. There are times when I need ask questions and wait for answers. But, I will not stop trying. Sometimes the results may not work out to make the perfect meal. But, sometimes, the result will be better than I could have ever imagined. And in both cases, I hope I get to share the bad and the good with those that I love. It is a risk worth taking.

Holiday thoughts

It has been awhile since I have had a moment to get thoughts out of my mind and onto the screen. So many times in the past week or so I have thought, "I need to remember this. I want to share this thought or memory.". But then life would speed up, and away went the thought. Now I am sitting here wondering what I wanted to share and why it was important. So, I am going to give myself permission to share what I am thinking in this moment.

This holiday season has been difficult. I have been witness to the suffering of many that I love and been fully incapable of relieving or even comforting them in their pain. Distance, time, skepticism, anger, and pain have created challenges in my ability to offer care and comfort. In the midst of recognizing the hurt around me, I was reminded of the great joy and love that I have witnessed through the pain and sorrow.

Relationships have secured and stabilized me throughout the past season of my life. Words can not adequately share the appreciation and gratitude. I don't know what sacrifices were made in order for friends to stand by me. Time, energy, tears, and patience were just a few that I can think of. Some of my closest friends were experiencing their own painful, difficult, and life-altering seasons. It was painful to watch them suffer, and at times, not be strong enough to support them the way I know God would call me. I struggled to admit to them the depth of my own pain and unhealthy behaviors. But, each time I did, I received their genuine care and understanding. Maybe acceptance is what I learned most of all through some of the experiences this year. Acceptance from the great friends who allowed me to grieve and suffer because that is what my heart needed to do. Their acceptance of my intense joy, excitement, and passion reassured me and reminded me that God made me with an immense range of feelings that He wanted me to experience. Even when others didn't understand or misinterpreted my actions, my dear friends supported and encouraged me to live out in fullness who God made me to be.

In addition to acceptance, the network of people who supported me held me accountable. They knew some of the struggles I was fighting. My close friends and family helped me recognize the behaviors that generated more battles. When I began giving into old patterns, many were quick to help me see and play out the consequences. Invaluable were the insights that I was able to draw from the talks and discussions with friends and family who patiently reiterated time after time what they had said a hundred times before. What a gift their consistent love and patience were to me.

Through loving relationships I became more aware of who I am and how others work in my life. I was able to acknowledge how inadequate I was and am, but, also to acknowledge the love that others have for me, just as I am. Flawed, inadequate, sorrowful, insensitive, inept, and misguided is the reality of who I am. But, I can also acknowledge that I have a capacity to love, care, rejoice, celebrate, forgive, accept, direct, and live that is unique and special. Just as each one that reads this is unique and special and therefore called to affect this world with great purpose. None of us is all good or all bad, all right or all wrong. And yet, to acknowledge our faults, we become vulnerable and susceptible to rejection and judgement. The understanding that my friends and family have shared helped me to realize that I can be loved for those qualities that are gray, imperfect, and unacceptable to some.

I am fully aware that I will continue to struggle daily with who I am and what God calls me to be. In that effort, I will surely fail and disappoint. But, I will also be able to love and care deeply for those who God shares with me. It isn't going to look traditional or conformed. I will undoubtedly draw questions and doubts by those who don't understand my heart. I am certain that I will hurt those who have been injured previously through my actions, or who I ignorantly and unintentionally don't understand. I am praying for reconciliation in all things and all relationships. For the pain and suffering I have caused to those near and not so close, I will continue to ask forgiveness. In addition to those prayers, I will be asking God to provide blessings and realizations through the pain and misunderstandings that disconnect and destroy relationships. I am trusting that He will care for the hearts of those who are in pain and grief.

So many more thoughts, but for today, I am grateful to share how my life has been radically transformed through the acceptance and accountability of dear friends and family. And through acknowledgement and awareness of who I am (which is ever changing and full of flaws), I look forward to allowing God to use me in a radical way to love and serve others.

Dear God,

Please forgive me this indulgence. But I am praying that by sharing this prayer more will pray and maybe, just maybe, the pain will be lessened for those that need relief and comfort the most.

Dear God,

I am so thankful for the gifts you have given me through the people that have come and gone throughout my life. And of course there are those that stick around and put up with me for years on end, including my family. Sometimes I wonder how you decided what family you would give me. How did you know I would need the mom I have and the dad I have? When did you decide that I was for them? What about my siblings? I am still learning from them how to live and love. We don't get to see each other often, but I am connected to them and they know and love me no matter what. Sometimes I am afraid for our family God. What will we do when our dad isn't around? How will we care for my mom? What will she need, and how will we show her the love and devotion that she showed us throughout our life? I know we are gifts to each other. Even if they seem like gag gifts sometimes.

Tonight I ask you Lord to protect some boys that I work with. They are brothers, and they are probably scared and confused. I know you gave them to each other, just as you gave me my family. You designed them to be together. Though each has a different set of biological parents, they are made brothers through a mother who surely loves them and desires more than anything to care for them and show them the love they are so worthy of. But as you already know and are already grieving about, they are struggling. I don't know the reality of the situation, but I know they are hurting. So Lord, please, in this very moment, I ask for you to protect this family from the harshness and the pain. I ask you Lord to hold them in your arms and ease their fears. I ask that you provide a loving hand to touch them and an understanding heart to provide for their needs. Please be with their mom. Love her and give her guidance and direction. Where there needs to be discipline, give it gently and allow her to learn from the model you are as a parent. Please teach those of us who are witness to the life of these boys to be compassionate and forgiving. Allow us to see with your eyes and love with your heart.

I know you can provide the love and protection when our humanness prohibits us from seeing all that is. For the brokenness that lies in the heart of each family, Lord, please mend and heal. I don't know what that looks like. I can't even begin to comprehend how you can bring peace to the hearts of the grieving. But I know you can. So please, for those who suffer in silence or in the agony of tears and sobbing, comfort and heal. Please show this world how to support and love the lost and grieving. Where pain must linger, please show yourself. Where brokenness is all that is real, please bring comfort in proportion to the pain. Where there is disbelief or resentment, please open your arms and allow the lost to feel your presence in a real and tangible way.

Tonight Lord, please be with the children whose parents are not able to love and comfort them. Whether it be next door to me, or in Africa. You are in our midst and you know each situation. You know the hearts of the children whose dad just died. You know the hearts of the parents who are struggling to breathe because they hurt so badly and are so alone. It is too much to understand and comprehend. But, you Lord, you do understand. You know just is needed to get them through. So for my own unbelief, anger, and sadness I ask for your forgiveness. For the parents are alive, but who can't feel the hearts of their own children, I pray you give them strength and clarity. I pray for the parents who are feeling the hearts of their children. Lord, please give them strength and steadfastness of heart. May they feel your energy and guidance in a real and present way. For the needs of both parents and children, I trust Lord you will provide.

In your unique and mysterious ways I pray you work a miracle in the family of my dear sister in Christ. I trust that you will know how to handle the difficulties. I rejoice that you have strengthened her heart and taught her to rely on you. In the same way, I ask you to do the same in the lives of those she loves. May their spirits be sensitive to the cries of her heart. Where there is bitterness and scrutiny, condemnation and criticism, I ask you to replace it with sensitivity and appreciation. I know you can take all things and make them new again. You have the power to take the pain of years of misunderstanding, frustration, and anger and turn it into a relationship of beauty and grace. I thank you Lord that you have reconciled many relationships in my life, and I ask for your intervention and power to reconcile all the relationships that suffer from our human inabilities.

I pray especially for those of us who don't understand. May we not sit in judgement of what we don't see, don't believe, and don't know. Give us hearts of compassion and acceptance. In each situation, whether pain filled or joy filled, may we trust that you have divine awareness and clarity. So as I try to comprehend, I ask that you to help me trust and not understand, but just love. Teach me to love like you do. You know my heart is heavy tonight and this is just the surface of all that my heart is feeling. But as I give this to you, I trust you will lighten my load and give me peace in which to rest. I pray the same peace and ease of sleep for those that struggle with burdens that only you can carry.

Long day

Today has been a long day. It might be my own fault. I got chatting with a friend and ended up staying up until 2am. Wouldn't have had it any other way. We both needed a time to decompress, laugh, and struggle together with life's issues. Funny how even when you think you've solved a world problem or a small family issue, you wake up to find that nobody else heard the solution, so the problems and issues are still there.

I woke up in a pleasant mood. The lessons and carols were being offered at church and I love this time of year and the music that touches hearts and heals wounds. I am getting more comfortable at church which, depending on the moment can be good or bad. I need to have my filter on more than I do, but at least I am aware. It is time to trust God to direct my path in that place. So, I know he will smooth away the rough edges in His time.

Today though, I was unprepared for the pain and hurt that would be evoked through the music. First there were the children singing. I love those kids. There is literal joy and delight when seeing them line up. The wiggly ones are my favorite. I like it when they sing loud, out of tune, wrong words and rhythms. But today my heart broke as I watched them. They didn't know what they were singing. Literally, they didn't know the song they were singing. It was very sad and embarassing because the goal of offering a musical gift at church is not expertise, but rather the joy of sharing the words that touch the heart of the singer, and the congregation. But these kids didn't know the words.

Then there was a beautiful group of women who sang. It was humbling to be in the midst of their offering. As they sang, I was touched by the reality of this God who gave a perfect gift to us in the birth of His son. Then I was bombarded by images of those who manifested themselves as gifts from God to me. So many of them are no longer with me. Things have changed and I am sad. My heart breaks for those experiencing sadness and pain because of the judgement, disbelief, hatred and ignorance that this world perpetrates against itself. I am broken by the very same things. I know I shouldn't care, and I know I should be stronger. But, today it just hurt. I want the comfort and peace of that precious baby. I miss what I have lost this year. I trust that God will equip me to handle the pain. My pain is nothing in comparison to what others are dealing with. In my heart and mind, I know that God is my strength and my salvation, the Rock in whom I trust. It comforts me to know that he is with me and understands my brokenness and my selfishness. As I admit to my unbelief, my sadness, and my guilt, I rejoice in the fact that I know my God loves me even in these moments; with my faults, my poor judgement, and my ignorance. I am called to love others and will strive to do so. I wish I could do it the way God does it for me. I forgive myself for not knowing how to. But I commit to trying forever to love and live with a fulness that God promises and offers.

I do miss my friends who taught me about God's love, understanding, and acceptance. My gratitude and thanks may never be fully understood or accepted. Coming to grips with that is difficult. So to those dear people who have touched my heart and forever changed me, I thank you and I love you.

Grown up issues

As some know, I have grown up issues. I don't play well with others, well other grown-ups. I take responsibility for the issue. I know from experience that it is my issue. It isn't for lack of trying. Really, I try. As long as I don't have extended interactions with grown-ups I am usually ok. But, unless someone is willing to really get to know me, (to spend on-going relationship building time); I am a difficult grown up. I am challenged. I am loud, that tends to be a real turn-off for some grown-ups. I say things without thinking through or qualifying. It has been said that I am condescending, disrespectful, mouthy, brash, too harsh, too honest, too passionate, disagreeable, argumentative, and loud. Did I mention loud? I know some will rush to my defense, and for that I am grateful, thankful, joyful and appreciative. But it's ok. I realize that I have grown-up issues. Awareness is often the first step on the road to recovery. (I am not really aiming to recover from who I am, but rather let God refine those qualities.) But I stray from my point...

There are times when I appreciate my grown-up issues. Sometimes I feel like I see life through the eyes of a child easier than I see life through the eyes of an adult. Of course, at the holidays that is much easier to do and is far more enjoyable. My heart tends to respond with the intensity of a child, more specifically, a preschooler. Whether it be joy, fear, anger, disappointment, or sadness, I express it with an intensity that is often off-putting and often times, refreshing. We grown-ups, tend to let conflict build up. We hold grudges. We expect, but we don't communicate the expectation. We dream but don't rejoice. We have nightmares and we don't cry. Adults carry the extremes of emotions and narrow them into a moderate response that is acceptable to all. Of course I am not suggesting that we should throw temper tantrums when we don't get what we want, though I throw a pretty good tantrum, and sometimes it just feels good. Moderation and tempering of emotional responses are signs of maturity and self-control(no wonder I like the temper tantrums more).

I wish grown-ups were more permitted to respond like children. My sister had to make a difficult decision this week to walk away from a situation that was safe, comfortable, familiar, and rooted. A conflict that should have been quickly resolved, was blown out of proportion by the grown-ups. Instead of responding with child-like vulnerability, remorse, and forgiveness, the adult responses negatively implicated the children involved. My sister had to make a painful decision to protect her daughter's sweet heart from the pain of an adult world that she is far too young to experience. I know this is all vague, but you could pick any names and any conflict and the experience would be the same.

Grown-ups + conflict - resolution = passive-aggressive grown-up ugliness

I am proud of my sister for how she handled this difficult moment in her life and in the life of her daughter. I know she has learned from her daughter, who at 4 years old has more compassion, insight, flexibility, and forgiveness than many adults. Her mother has taught her well. Modeling self-efficacy and grace are keys to teaching our children the vital lessons in life. How I wish we didn't have to teach these lessons at 4 years old, but thank God my niece is learning.

Sometimes kids are the benefactors of problems that are purely adult issues. In fact, I might argue, that grown-up issues are responsible for almost all problems in the world. Even in the situation above I have sympathy and empathy for the adults who were incapable of modeling a resolution so the children involved could continue in the environment that was beneficial for them. Battles between adults hinder the abilities, dreams, and hopes of our children. Even into adulthood, how many of us make decisions to please the adults in our lives rather than making decisions based on our heart's desires or prayerful considerations? But, even so, we all somehow live. We make it through. It is a miracle and gift. God is able to take brokenness created by our grown-up issues and turn them into His mighty gesture of goodness.

The Power of Kindness

The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life. I am really enjoying this book. I love non-fiction, and in particular psychotherapy/psychology books. It's kind of weird, I know. But, somehow learning more about how my brain works, your brain works, my kids brains gives me some sense of comfort and understanding. Unfortunately, it doesn't give me any control. In fact, quite the contrary. I may understand why I am feeling the way I do, but, I don't know how to stop feeling. However, there is comfort in understanding.

I am currently pondering the following paragraph written by Pierro Farrucci:
We cannot be kind if we forget those who are no longer useful to us. We will never be whole and comfortable, in ourselves and with others, if we divide people into Grade A and Grade B. We will not understand the relationships we have with one another if we do not deeply understand how much our lives are woven together in the past, present, and the future, how much they become part of one another, and how much each one of us is everyone else.

I don't think this means we have to hold onto relationships that are unhealthy. In fact, I think that is the last thing we should do. However, I do think it is important to validate the relevancy of those relationships in our lives as a whole. Personally, I know there are relationships that were valuable at one point, then grew strained as time passed. Obviously change happens whether or not we are prepared or eager for it. But I have been inflexible at times in adjusting to the changes in certain relationships.

One of the most influential relationships (next to my family) in my life was with my voice teacher in college. She saw me. I mean, saw beyond my voice, beyond my circumstances. She invested in me as a person. I spent two summers living in her home. I took lessons, found a job, and engaged in intellectual conversations about life, music, and the future. I learned so much about her, music, voice, and most of all, I learned about myself. As I developed and saw life as more than just my voice, distance and frustration developed between my teacher and myself. In so many ways I have regretted the way I handled my friendship with this pivotal person in my life. I wish I could tell her how much she meant to me. She sacrificed to share her heart and wisdom with me. She had a husband, a daughter and son, and granddaughters. She had a full life, and yet she let me in. I was allowed to be not only who I was, but to learn who I wanted to be. What an amazing gift she gave me. I feel like I let her down by not recognizing and validating her sacrifice and gift.

Fast forward 13 years, and another pivotal relationship was gifted to me. This time, I knew what a cherished, special moment I was experiencing. But, similar to the past, I was unable to be flexible and adaptable to the changes that were inevitable. Anger tends to be my first response to these changes that are so outside of my control. It is one of the least favorite characteristics about myself. I can't explain the pain and hurt that I brought on myself, my family, and my dear friend. No amount of apologies will likely alter the devastation that my inability to adapt caused. It wasn't just how I handled the friendship as it was changing, it was my inability to understand how to manage the friendship as it unfolded. I don't believe there is limit to the love we can offer one another. But, how we offer it does have boundaries. My inability to manage those boundaries not only hurt my friend, myself, my family, but the family and friends of those who love each one of us.

Would I go back? Would I have chosen differently? I don't think so. I loved my voice teacher. She taught me so much. She showed me love and acceptance that I needed in order to grow as a musician and a person. I would never go back and change loving my friend who came along 13 years later. Her life, her past, her story changed me and how I see this world. I am forever changed by the intertwining of our lives. I would change how I cared for both of these dear people in my life. I would show my teacher that she was vital in my development socially, mentally, personally, and spiritually. Maybe my fear of losing this earlier relationship altered how I managed this most recent friendship. Maybe I held it too close and wasn't flexible because I was afraid that the friendship would end. But wouldn't you know, the fear became reality. I allowed that fear to dictate how I adapted, and then the friendship did indeed diminish and in many ways has disappeared.

I am still processing how to make amends with myself over these two friendships. I have forgiven myself for my inabilities and my lack of awareness. I have let go of the anger at myself, which is really the only anger that I carried. What I can take is a recognition of how these relationships shaped my life. They are part of my history, woven into the story of my life. During the present moments, I feel lonely because I can't reach out or extend myself in any significant way to make amends. I am not angry, not bitter, not depressed. I am sad. Sad that because of the difficulties I created in these two relationships I may have enforced to either one of them that love is something that should be restrained and limited. That the negative effects of my inflexibility may make someone else believe that sharing love is dangerous or painful. The wounds that this world creates through our humanness will scar each that risks caring for another. I read the Power of Kindness to strengthen my heart so I can enter into more loving relationships that will weave future chapters in my life story. These are only 2 examples of the many that impact me to this day. There are no Grade A or Grade B friends. I don't want anyone to feel the sentiments that Piero Farruci describe in the following passage.
To be forgotten because we do not count is devastating. It is social exile. To be remembered, valued, taken into consideration like everyone else, makes us feel worthwhile. But the act of remembering is beneficial also to those who remember. To live in a state of amnesia, to live without history, is lethal because we no longer know who we are.

Calgon, take me away

Don't you wish it was easy as that. Just a bath and all the stress and tension would be washed away. I am willing to give it a shot. A calgon bath is one of those gifts that you can give yourself and it will indeed create an environment for you to breathe, refresh, and enjoy the slowing of time. Not often do we advocate for ourselves or for others to take this kind of time. But, I am finding, when I am able, it is indeed a time when the heaviness of fear, disappointment, and frustration can be washed away, at least momentarily.

I started this blog last night after watching football. I imagine football players, especially those on the losing team, really enjoy a good calgon bath. The pressure they have to perform under is intense and the disappointments must be crushing. I know the players are not performing brain surgery or saving victims from a burning building. They are providing entertainment and getting paid a lot to do so. But still, losing is never fun. I wonder if a Calgon moment would help the kicker who didn't make the field goal, or the receiver who missed the catch, or the quarter back who threw an interception.

I know it provides a moment of comfort and relaxation for me. But, when the moment passes, I am left with reality. Today's reality seems bleak at best. I have been relatively productive. Did the laundry, made soup from leftover turkey, read my favorite book of the moment (The Power of Kindness, the Unexpected Benefits of Leadiang a Compassionate Life), talked with a good friend. But, the pain in my back made me feel limited and tired. When I move the wrong way, or stand too long, it just kills. I know it will get better. However, today I felt like I have been forced into a Calgon moment because I can't move. It's not as relaxing when you are forced to slow down.

In these moments of "required" rest and relaxation, my brain goes a little crazy. The distractions that keep me from observing the reality of my life are distant and limited. So I am left to consider the pain of those I love and the distance that brokenness and limits perpetuate. I want to do something to reach out, to love, to connect, to care. But, I am limited. And...the reality is, I may never be able to care, love, reach, or connect to those that I love. Limitations of locations, time, and money prohibit my ability to "be there" for those I love. But the greater limitation is that some relationships don't want me to "be there". I don't mean that as pathetically as it sounds. I understand, for whatever reasons, I am not needed, wanted, or able to support and love in some relationships. I am torn as to what to do with that.

It hurts knowing that there is pain created by this world that no amount of love or care can mend or temper. At least no amount of love and care I can give. I know God can provide comfort and peace where I can not. I pray that my kids know and love this God who can support and love them in ways that I will never be equipped to do. Surely not for lack of desire, but in the reality of my humanness, I will never be able to comfort their deepest sorrows. I will hold them and I will cry with them, but I won't have the answers, and I won't be able to calm their fears.

Today I could use a Calgon moment. But, rather than distancing myself from the sorrow and pain that grieves my heart and the hearts of those I love, I will live in the moment. I will feel the darkness and trust in the light that is provided in the hope of One who knows and loves beyond all understanding.

My dad

Before I share my thoughts about my dad, I just have to share a few words about my mom. My heart breaks for my mother who walks this path with my dad. It is painful and lonely at times. I know there were times throughout their marriage that my mom would have like to have killed my dad herself. But, she in her loving and grace-filled heart knows that the path she walks, though painful and hard, will reap so many wonderful moments and memories. She stands by him and models to all of us that love is an action. It is forgiveness in the midst of guilt. It is comfort in the midst of pain. It is work in the midst of struggles. It is endurance in the midst of exhaustion. It is laughter in the midst of tears. I admire my mother so much for how she loves my father. It is for her and the love that she models every day that we will walk the path of grief, sadness, and heart-break with dignity, respect, and affection.

I know that words won’t accurately explain or portray who my dad is. He is more than he ever gives himself credit for. My dad is more than just my dad. He is a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a co-worker and a husband. Many of you know him in one way or another. But, I know him as my dad. Our family has talked often about our memories growing up and how we remember things so differently. To me, dad is the man that gives loyally to those he loves and trusts. He is authentic. You never have to guess too long about what he thinks.. He says it like he sees it. This “honesty” as we Deals like to call it is a gift and a curse. I know that each of his children have used this “honesty” to get out of trouble, and often to get in trouble. But dad never criticizes us for speaking our mind. There is never a punishment for speaking up for ourselves or for others. This character trait gets him into a fair amount of trouble. And his friends and family love him and care for him (and for our family) no matter what the trouble or the success.

My dad is strong. Physically, he is strong. My dad could outrun my brothers until about 7 years ago. I know they won’t admit it, and they will probably say they let him win, but we all know dad could show them up. My dad took pride in his work. He would work until the job was done. Whether he was repairing something at the church or at a building in Florida, or setting up a room for someone to meet or teach, my dad would work until it was done. Now, at home, that was a different story. And I think there were times when we were glad he gave up trying to fix something. He would get quite grumpy, dare I say angry when things didn’t cooperate. So we knew duct tape would be used, and we would all live happier.

I imagine that he wished that using duct tape was a resource he could use in disciplining his children. Our dad also was a strong disciplinarian. I think he scared my cousins more than he scared us. But, even my kids know that dad would knock our elbows with the end of knife if we had our elbows on the table. He has high expectations for us. He wants us to have opportunities and advantages. He wants his children to contribute to this world. He was willing to work long hours, and work multiple jobs, and be heavy handed at times in order to provide for us. As a parent I know how hard it is to be strong and hold my ground. I know my mom and dad must have wanted to throw their arms up and let us run around like the little maniacs we were because they were so tired and frustrated. But they both held their ground. My dad was scary when we stepped out of line, but at the same time, I don’t remember him as a scary dad.

I remember how he coached our softball and baseball teams. How after working he would come out and encourage us and support us in whatever we were busy with. He could be so gruff, but when he coached he was patient and affirming. That is what I remember about my dad. How he affirms each one of us. He would come to my opera productions and sit through the yelling and screaming and crazy costumes and foreign languages and then just put his arm around me and say “you done real good;” or “that was real pretty.” I would laugh and say, “Did you hear how I messed up that high note.” He would say, “Now which ones are the high notes” or, “I don’t know what you are talking about, I thought you sounded real pretty.” I know he could have been doing a million other things, but he was there and he affirmed that it was ok to be different. My value as his daughter isn’t based on whether I can sing great high notes, or get the best grades, he loves me just because I am his.

My dad is funny. He doesn’t have to try too hard. He has a wicked sense of humor. He will be the quiet one standing in the corner at a social gathering, but by the end of the night everyone is standing near him wanting to hear his perceptions. His laugh gets funnier as he ages. I used to think when he laughed his head would explode because he was trying so hard to hold it in. He can get you to laugh under pressure and put you at ease. When he caters events, he never loses his cool. He knows that he is there to relieve the host of the pressure and to get the job done. So he could use his sense of humor to cut the tension and get the things done that would make for a success. I know he wants us to laugh. He wants us to know it is ok to laugh and enjoy being with each other and teasing him. I must admit, our joking sometimes makes others uneasy. Nothing is off limits or too sensitive to be joked about. So through my tears I laugh about how God isn’t sure He can handle Dad, so He lets us have him a little longer, despite the odds. I am not sure God will be any more prepared, but I know that I will be ready to have my dad hold me in his arms when I get to heaven.

There is no easy segueing to tell you how I feel when considering saying goodbye to my dad. He was a difficult man to live with growing up. My mom can testify to that even more than his brothers, his parents, and his children. He didn’t always make the best choices. The consequences impacted all of us. I know he never wanted or wants to hurt us. I know he never wanted my mom, or his children, or his siblings, or parents, or nieces or nephews or his friends to endure suffering or disappointment based on his actions. But the reality is that we all make poor choices sometimes. None of us know how to walk this world. My dad lives and loves. He made mistakes and he suffered and continues to suffer the consequences. He hurt those he loved, and he reconciled with us. I want more time with my dad. I want him to see that what he gives to this world is meaningful and significant. I want him to see his grandchildren grow and learn the principles that he taught us. That even though we couldn’t stand his discipline sometimes, or his temper; we knew the values of his love for us which were unconditional and ever-present. We will teach our children that love. We will teach them hard work, and strong work ethics. We will teach them loyalty and self-confidence. We will teach them strength and dignity. We will teach them to laugh and enjoy family. For even though family is flawed, dysfunctional, complicated, and all together stressful sometimes; family is the gift we give each other. We inherit our family and have a responsibility to love and care for one another regardless of beliefs, differences, mistakes, successes, pain, joy, births and death. So even though my dad was difficult to live with, life will be more difficult to live without him. I love you dad.

If only you knew...

If only you knew...

I am sorry.
It is never my intention to hurt you. My heart breaks when your heart breaks. Sometimes I am the one doing the breaking through my words, both spoken and unspoken. I so wish I could go back. But as my dear friend K. told me: the only things you can't take back are time and words.

I love you.
Even when I don't understand, I still love you. Even when it hurts, I still love you. When we don't see eye to eye, and we don't have the words to speak, I still love you. I won't give up.

I miss you.
I miss the way it used to be. I miss the fun, and the life, and the joy. Surely life takes us into dark places. I won't run away or hide. I miss knowing your dreams and fears. I miss you sharing what you think. Your unique perspective and voice in my life is missed deeply.

I forgive.
I forgive myself for not knowing, not understanding, not listening, not hearing, not protecting, not enjoying, not valuing, not appreciating. What I am realizing though is that I can forgive myself, but I may make the mistakes again. Every time the pattern plays itself out, I realize the pain and hurt I cause. I forgive myself, but I never forget that I hurt you.

I pray for you.
I pray that you find joy and peace. I don't pray that every day will be happy, but I do pray that you see yourself and realize that God loves you in your pain and in your joy. It is hard to feel Him sometimes. Often you may feel you don't deserve Him or would rather not feel Him because you aren't worthy. But I pray you sense his arms around you. Even when you don't want to look at yourself, I pray you will let Him shine through you as He does each and every day.

I grieve for you.
I grieve that you have to hurt and watch this world hurt those you love. I mourn for the loss of all those you love and no longer have. I cry for the pain that you have endured and will continue to suffer. When I linger in this grief, I feel like I can't breathe. But, then I realize that you are living that pain and suffocating in the grief, and I just wish I could take it for awhile so you would be at peace for a moment or two in your day.

I rejoice with you.
I rejoice with you in your accomplishments both large and small. I celebrate the victories of when you touch a heart and impact who they become because you see them and hear them. You are gifted in so many ways, and it is a blessing to me to watch you offer all that you are to this world.

I hope.
I hope that in this moment you know you are loved. Not only loved by me, but loved by our God who uniquely designed you to live in this place and time. I hope that one day I can be all that I want to be in your life and in the life of those I love. I hope that regardless of what paths our lives take,we will realize the great gift God gave us.

If only you knew...
You changed me.
You impacted who I am and who I want to be.

This is for each of you who have been on the other end of my harsh words, my critical eye, my unkind actions. It is for those of you who know the pain of loss and distance because life circumstances prevent us from understanding or supporting each other. I love you and am thankful for you.

My head is spinning

It's Sunday afternoon, and I have had so much spinning around in my head that I haven't been able to focus my thoughts to articulate them in any comprehendable way. I have been able to see God in the midst of so many situations. Future blogging will cover the following subjects:

1. Lullabies
2. Pets
3. Adoption
4. Pain
5. Sky Mall Shopping
6. Duty Free Shopping
7. Dress Shopping
8. Shoe Shopping
9. Recitals
10. Sorrow

Don't know if the blogs will be in that order, but I have at least written them down so they can stop spinning in my head. Today I have an awful headache. It's been a while since my head has hurt like this, but at least I no longer worry that it will never go away. Funny how when things are going well I wonder when the other shoe will fall; but, when things are painful or negative, I wonder if it will ever end.

If you have no one, no one will hurt you

These lyrics captured me. I have been pondering them and then accessing from my experience and from those around me whether I believe it, accept it, live by it, or would die by it.

I do believe the lyrics to be true. No one will hurt you if you never engage with anyone. That being said, I have to believe that really, others are not always and/or usually, who hurts us. Don't you think that we end up hurting ourselves by living by expectations or judgements that either can't be lived up to or aren't our assessments to make? Surely people want to live up to our expectations. I mean, I definitely want to live up to the expectations of my friends and family. But, so often I have no idea what need I could fill or what desire lies in their heart. I can't begin to meet expectations for those around me.

Then of course there are the expectations that I am fully aware of, but am unwilling to meet. For instance, my darling son shared with me today the following note:

You treat Julia better than me. You always jump to a conclusion. You put us to work. Sure, you put away 1/3 of the food, and Julia and I each did 1/3. But then I was stuck with putting away 2/3 of the dishes plus putting the dirty ones in the dishwasher while Julia only did 1/3. We thank you for dinner, but sometimes I want something different from everyone else. No offense but you make it sound like its the end of the world. I know you do just as much work in a day, but school's really difficult and I want time to be with my friends and chill out. But, I have to do just as much work as a grown up.

(Before I continue, indulge me a moment. Isn't this awesome. I mean he shared the same thoughts with me verbally, but I didn't know what to sa? or how to make him feel heard. I mean he does feel "put upon". So I told him that I was sorry that I didn't understand his predicament but he could write down his thoughsso I could process them a little better. That is pretty articulate. 5th Grade rationale at its finest. If I were able to do this, I would not get into as much trouble as I do. I love that boy.)

So according to my son's expectations, I shouldn't ask so much of him. I didn't know how to respond to his note. I appreciated him articulating what he was thinking. I was definitely not angry, but obviously he has a feeling of entitlement that I would like to "nip in the bud". I mean, really? God love him. You just don't know 'til you know what you don't know. There was no point in clarifying. He will find out on his own. But I was ready to send him to Chef Paul's kitchen for a day. Or, maybe he would enjoy being in the secretary's office answering questions and making calls. I was ready to hook him up with a reality check. Expectations clearly cannot be met.

There are expectations that I am unaware of, expectations that I simply can't meet, and then there are expectations that aren't there. My friends don't expect a whole lot of me, but I feel like I would never want to let them down. It is hard saying "no", or "I can't" or "Can you help?" I just don't want to need or expect anything of others. Wrongly, I believe they will be disappointed or mad at me. This is definitely the case in our marriage. It has taken me some time to realize Chris doesn't expect me to be totally still in bed. He used to get grumpy with me if I would move or unintentionally wake him up. From that response, I concluded I shouldn't move, so I wouldn't irritate or disappoint him. He works hard, he deserves to sleep (even if he snores like a freight train). Sometimes I would move to the guest bedroom or the family room to watch tv or read, but he would come looking for me. I stopped moving altogether out of fear. Chris didn't have this expectation of me, and he was completely unaware that he woke up and responded angrily to me. I thought there was an expectation, but I was wrong.

But, I think that in each of those circumstances and in so many others, it is the expectation I place on myself that perpetrates the greatest frustration and pain. It isn't intentional. It may not be this way for everyone. I remember, not too long ago, (maybe last week, no it's been awhile now) I had these phrases running through my head. "I just can't do it right." "I am not good enough." "I should have been able to do it better." "Do what?", you ask. Anything and everything. I said this over and over to my bestest friend and my husband. The more I said it, the more I could point to situation after situation where I had let myself down. My response was to push the people closest to me further and further away so they wouldn't see how inept and sub-standard I was. I let myself down by not living up to the expectation in my head. I couldn't be everything to those I loved. I was falling short. I didn't want to see it and I certainly didn't want anyone else to see it.

Though I agree that if you have no one, no one will hurt you; I don't believe you won't hurt if you have no one. In fact, I think I can inflict as much pain on myself as anyone. It is the blessings in the relationships around methat inspire me and affirm me. The love, the understanding, the forgiveness, the acceptance, the joy, the laughter, the tears, the teasing, and the fun I have with those who dare venture into this crazy life that is the Hollingsworth's is evidence of God's love. He changes me through those around me. Through the kindness of my friends who listen to me cry about the same loss of relationship over and over, I know that it will be ok. Through the thoughtfulness of an unexpected message on facebook where I am encouraged, I know that it will be ok. I know it will be ok because my husband keeps filling my water glass and bringing me coffee in the morning. He is here for me. Though we don't always see eye to eye on how that should look, there is no questions that he is in this journey with me. The message on Sunday comforted me in knowing that I don't have to always "feel" God's presence. I am thankful that the spirit within me can moan and cry to God and He will hear it. I don't have to have the words, or feel the "right" emotion to be connected to God.

I sometimes feel like I am not as strong a Christian as I should be because I can't do it alone. I sometimes (periodically, ok frequently) don't feel God's presence as I pray or study or sing. It is often through interactions with others that I best sense God's presence. (Clarification: I am not suggesting that I always need to have these interactions. I realize in the quiet and stillness that I can hear myself and God working through the fabric of my life. As with most things, it is a balance.) I don't want to live out the lyrics that have captured my attention the past few days. I don't want to be alone, or do this life alone. As Spring Awakening lyrics suggest:

O, I'm gonna be wounded
O, I'm gonna be your wound
O, I'm gonna bruise you
O, you're gonna be my bruise

It's inevitable. Sorry friends, it does sound painful. But in the midst of the pain we will share great times. I promise the bruises and wounds are not my intentions. Unfortunately, they will be unavoidable. I'll get the band-aids ready.

I love Brody

It's true, I am in love with another male. He is 6 months old, and he has swept me off my feet. His giggle, his smile, his coos, just perfect. Remember that feeling, when you were swept away by some one's smile. Was it your child's, or your first love, or your spouse's, or you significant other, or a teacher who actually saw you, or the youth group leader who knew you were more than that one hour on Sunday morning? I remember those feelings in each of the above scenarios. It is a moment that stops your heart and validates you like nothing else. I guess when Brody smiled back at me and giggled I knew we were connecting. Admitting that I need that validation and that "response" that happens in a relationship makes me feel weak. What I am realizing is that I don't "need" that, but it is a great blessing and one that I enjoy experiencing.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." and "Love your neighbor as yourself." run through my mind each day. Realizing that I can not treat anyone any other way than how I expect to be treated, and I can't love anyone fully unless I first love myself was revolutionary. I still battle these truths. Am I really supposed to love this person, myself? Am I really lovable? So often I want to lavishly love the people around me, but I don't like to accept the love back from others. What am I trying to prove? Do I think God loves me more if I give of my time, energy, or resources? I think there are times when I am hoping I will be more lovable if I give. It seems selfish to stop and do the things that I need in order to feel loved. It is better to give than to receive. But I have to know myself and love who God made me to be in order to give fully and to love fully. What a balancing act that is.

I wish and hope that one day I will look in the mirror and be "captured" or swept off my feet by who God made me to be. As I see the love in the eyes of kids, I imagine how great it is to be young and to not have this world's views fully exposed. But the reality is that some children, even from birth are not innocent or protected from this world's sin. But, I am encouraged by those who have swept me off of my feet by the smile in their eyes. I will continue to strive to know myself and to know who God made me to be so that I can love people wholly and genuinely. I love you Brody. I know that you are loved and made uniquely to share the love that God is sharing with you and through you. Thank you for sharing it with me today.

Observations

I am running on a few hours sleep so I haven't really processed too much of what I experienced today; and I have concluded, that is ok. Sometimes processing is overrated. But, a few things I did notice:

1. I saw a man with the longest neck I had ever seen.
2. I also saw a man with the biggest forehead that I had ever seen. I notice foreheads, and this was definitely the largest I have ever seen. No judgement meant in either observations.
3. Walking 10,000 steps takes a concerted effort. I spent two days walking my usual routine. My highest number of steps was 4000'ish steps. So obviously, 10,000 took some thinking. But it was really fun. I spent time on ISU's campus both before and after having lunch with Chris. It was a beautiful fall day.
4. I don't remember my college campus quad being as quiet as ISU's quad was today.
5. Walking in loafers with a slight heel feels ok for about 4,000 steps, but after that, not so good.
6. I like Barnes and Noble at 9am in the morning. And, I really like planning Christmas concerts for my little friends while enjoying a cup of decaf coffee at Barnes and Nobles. (FYI: Blooming Grove Day at Barnes and Noble is this Saturday. Stop by and buy.)
7. I believe Hockey should be a required sport for husbands and wives; only without the blades, the sticks, and the ice.
8. When working with my 3 year olds, I realized that we have a very narrow scope of what animals were at the manger when Jesus was born. I bet that the lions, tigers, hippos, butterflies, dogs, cats, and giraffes were there in addition to the traditional animals. They probably stopped by, paid their homage and moved on.
9. Having an unexpected gift of time today was very special and appreciated.
10. I miss the friends that I don't get to see or talk to very often.

I am looking forward to some quality time with a friend and her baby tomorrow. I am planning on getting lots of rest and making a delicious lunch.

Living in the moment

I am not sure I understand the statement, "just live in the moment." I hear it all the time. Don't worry about the future, and let go of the past. Don't live in the past, and the future will take care of itself. So, live in the moment.

I live in the moment until the bills come, or friends' feelings are hurt, or there is no dinner made, or no clean clothes for the kids. I live in the moment until my husband says, "You did what?!?!" I live in the moment until I look into the eyes of my kids and see the hope and promise that consideration of their future is worth. Buying the line "live in the moment." has its place, no question. We are called to trust God to provide for the future, and we are called to forgive the past. But, what does it mean to "live in the moment".

I want to give careful consideration to the lessons that I want my children to learn as they grow. So sometimes living in the moment means struggling with the unpleasantness of holding my kids accountable even though doing so makes them and me miserable. I want them to learn that personal discipline and self-control are valuable life skills. But teaching that requires modeling both discipline and self-control which often times contradict living in the moment. I don't always want to clean up the kitchen, or do the laundry, or make my bed, or do the bills, or turn the tv off. Sometimes I want to leave a mess and sit in my pjs watching tv. (And sometimes I do.) I want my kids to know they can do that, sometimes, but not always.

Living in the moment also presents contradictions when you look at married life and the expectations that vows and commitments require. Not just in marriage, but in mortgages, job contracts, student loans, car loans, and even the unspoken commitments of loyalty and honesty between friends. If all married people lived in the moment, they wouldn't stay married (which may explain the high percentage of divorce). I mean there are times when being married is stressful, unpleasant, and blah. (I couldn't think of a good word to summarize the vast discomfort and disgust that marriage can cause in varied frequency depending on the time of month and the age and number of children). If I lived in the moment, I would have driven far far away years ago. If my husband lived in the moment, he would have run home telling his parents that he had married a demon and needed to alter his name and appearance to escape the inevitable life struggle that he had unknowingly but willingly contractually agreed to. If we lived in the moment, our poor kids, who knows what ragged messes and mental cases they would be. We have done quite a bit of damage to their little psyches, but most of the damage was intentional. Well, not intentional, but there has been quite a bit of concerted effort put into shaping them with and without certain "issues" So living in the moment doesn't bode well for family relationships.

And what about friendships? I have friends that stand beside me and lift me up when my legs are too weary, or my brain is too scattered. However, there have been moments when I surely didn't respond to them lovingly or considerately. In fact, I know that I have caused innumerable pain to at least one if not numerous close friends. Not intentionally, but my actions, my words, my lack of response caused pain none the less. I am still disappointed by my behavior towards some of my dearest friends. I did live in the moment, and it didn't serve me. I was angry and my words bit anyone who would listen. My anger in one moment scared and bullied a friend whose heart I held very dear to my own. So living in the moment doesn't seem to reap the benefits that my counselor often advocates.

"Living in the moment" requires an awareness of the past and prayer for the future. It is definitely not as easy as it sounds. I don't think it means fretting or worrying. I don't think it means disregarding morals for the sake of an immediate pleasure, (though I think that sounds like fun sometimes). I guess it means consideration and thoughtfulness in every situation. I know for me that means slowing down and looking around; taking time to see; observing which direction I came from, and which direction this moment will take me. I have to think out the consequences of my actions in the moment, so I can forecast a bit if I will hurt or be hurt in the process. Sometimes it means acting despite knowing the pain is inevitable. Sometimes it means being quiet even though the silence is unbearable. Often times it means acknowledging the needs of those around me and sacrificing what the moment can bring me for what bypassing the moment can bring to those I love.

What I know for sure about living in the moment is that it always means loving those around us. I am challenged knowing that I can only love others as much as I love myself. I don't think that means loving myself in a haughty or proud way. But knowing myself enough to love who I am, acknowledge what I need, validate where I am in life, and continually learn why I am here. We are each in our own "moments", just trying to live. The greatest obstacle we face is how to love ourselves enough that we can love those around us with generous, uninhibited, care-free, and joyous hearts. As my day goes on, I will be living in the moment; trusting that I am so loved that I can share my love abundantly.

What's wrong?

Don't you think it is interesting that when someone is having a hard time, out of sorts, or just grumpy, the common question is, "what's wrong?" Think of how many times we ask our children this question. "What's the problem?, What's wrong?. What's going on?" I was asked that question today. My response, "I don't know." You know that feeling when you just don't know? You feel blah, sad, just under, not yourself. Nothing specific to cause the feeling, but everything in general just feels a little off. I love thinking about how kids must feel when asked that question. If we can't figure out what is wrong sometimes, I can so understand why a child can't articulate a feeling.

Or...why did you do that? Isn't that another interesting question for a child, or an adult. Most of us don't know "why" in the midst of an action. We can figure it out, but sometimes, that doesn't even happen. I wish I could figure out why I do what I do, or why I feel what I feel. And when that question comes, and you are asked to articulate the great unknown reasons "why", there is nothing, which in and of itself causes even more confusion and dismay. We want to know our hearts and our feelings, whether good or bad. We want a reason why it hurts or aches. Somehow if there was a reason, we surely could make it better.

Today I was thinking about whether God is disappointed in those moments of our sadness and despair. I don't have enough fingers or toes to count the blessings that God has given me. Should that not be enough for me to thank my lucky stars and sing praises to His greatness? Can I do that and still feel sad, alone, frustrated. The sky was beautiful tonight, breathtaking as a matter of fact. There were so many colors and shades of light and darkness. The moon was beside me with its face clear and all knowing. There were very subtle cotton clouds that drifted close by. Straight ahead were the bright orange hues of the sun setting. Not just orange, but pink, purple, red, yellow. Then the blue sky just above the colors. Then the darkness with wispy clouds stretched across the night sky. I so wanted to drive to that orange beauty. Just past the clouds, past the darkness, past the impending night. I wanted to follow the light and live in its warmth. I didn't want to look towards the darkness and certainly didn't want to turn into it. But, that is exactly what I had to do to get home. So on one side now I see the beauty of the setting sun, and to the other, the bright moon with the fluffy clouds playing around the smile of its face.

Are our lives like that night sky sometimes? All the joy and reverence of the light, all the fear and loneliness of the darkness wrapped in our hearts and minds and souls. And where is God in that sky? Is He the light? Is He the moon, the stars, the darkness, the clouds? If I drive to the sunset, will He be there offering me peace and comfort? If I go into the darkness, will He meet me there and hold me close? If I go to the moon, will He allow me to play like the clouds that float free and easy? Do I have to go anywhere? I don't want the darkness that looms close. It represents the loss of those people, ideals, gifts, and identity that I thought God gave me and that I somehow was unable to prove worthy enough to keep. I don't want to look too closely or share too deeply the reality of how lost in the darkness some days and nights feel to me. Does God still love me in this place? He has given me so much and I have failed to be who He made me to be. I have hurt my family, my friends, and my God.

In the night sky tonight I saw God in the darkness and in the light, in the clouds and in the moon. I wanted to be there, but He was here. He was with me, singing to me through His painted sky as I looked at his goodness and cried in my sorrow. He knows I have failed. He knows that I am not all He wants me to be. He knows I didn't honor all of His gifts to me. And He knows that I will continue to struggle with the darkness that looms too close and wraps around me threatening to steel the peace that is the essence of His love. Knowing all this about me, my God is here, right here, with me. He is with me in the darkness and in the light. He is with me in my sin and in my songs of praise. He just loves me. He loves me when I can't remember who I am or who He wants me to be. He loves me when I forget that His goodness is ever present and always true. He loves me when I question and when I cry.

So like our little children who don't know why they are grumpy or why they hit, cry, run, push, yell, and struggle to coordinate their actions when they don't even know what they are feeling; we too question how to make our lives reflect the goodness of God in the midst of this world. Often times we don't know why we feel sadness in the midst of His goodness. And all too often, we know too well that the sorrow stems from loss and pain that only our Father can understand because He too lost His son and watched through tearful eyes the pain and abuse that Jesus suffered. God is here. He is with me, and He is with you. He doesn't take all the pain and He doesn't protect us from the sorrow. He just lives it with us, if we let him.

A little down

I posted this picture in hopes of bringing a smile to my face. Check out those skinny little legs. How I wish they were mine in reality. But, I am appreciative that I am learning how to hula hoop,and maybe one day soon I will have skinny legs.

Today has been a lazy day around the house. My legs and body were non-functioning. I have a condition (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) that hits me hard when I am not managing to balance my activity level appropriately. I have been doing quite a bit better. The shaking is much less, as are the headaches. But after being on my feet for the past couple of days, I crashed pretty hard. My legs and joints hurt and I have dizzy feelings when I stand up. So I have been pretty quiet and unmotivated. I always suffer some down moments on days like this. I feel like I have gotten so much down, but when the energy passes I become afraid that I will fall back into the darkness that often attempts to keep me down. My mom had good insight and reminded me that I had worked hard and pretty non stop so it is ok to listen to my body and let it rest. I want it to bounce back quickly, but I will be waiting patiently.

Reading a great book that is giving me some positive distractions. The Power of Kindness, the Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life. Piero Ferrucci.
It is insightful. Giving me good material to think about. When I slow down, my sorrow always reers its ugly head. I am sad because I have lost opportunities to serve in areas that I truly love and want to serve in.. I am heart broken that the very parts of me that GOd created and is molding in me isn't considered a gift, but an attribute to hide so others are not made unccomfortable. I get it. I am sad. I wish I could feel the inclusion that God desires for each of us. I want to keep searching in my church, but for some, that might be too painful.

I do have to share the praise of good friends. I have spent months crying, praying, distraught, and downcast because I thought a friendship that I relied on and trusted and loved is no longer moving in the direction that God is taking me in. I don't want to let go. I came to grips with the change. But my heart is knowing that it iw not just adjusting to change, it is adjusting to life and friendship as I know it. So finding kindness, warmth,forgiveness means I have to let go. But I miss so much. I will forgive myself for what I wasn't and can never be. I will ask for forgiveness in return. I just am going to be sad in the moments that I realize the great gift of kindness and hope and understanding was real and a lie. Not an intentional lie, just a lie in unawareness. I too committed the sin of lies just out of unawareness of what to do. I am so very sorry for the pain that I caused. I am sorry for the pain this world causes. Please care for my children with the generous spirit, abundant love, and unhindered joy that I want them to see and feel. They are precious, beautiful, and make me so proud. I don't know what the future holds. I know that as I walk each day I will love with warmth and forgiveness and I will pray for my family and friends to forgive me for the pain that was intentional and intentional. I am not perfect. I don't do it all right. I want to do ask you for forgiveness for where I fall short or don't handle a situation better. Please forgive me, and please forgive my children and husband. They are beautiful people who love Jesus and share that love with me even on the days that I can't move. I am tired and quite sad right now. The changes in the past year bring me to my knees. Today holds the promise of his comfort and his love. Tomorrow will be new and full of God's great gifts to us.

All Saints Day,

All Saints Day is one of my favorite days in the Christian calendar. I am comforted by the knowledge that so many who walked this world before me, suffered and rejoiced just as I do. And one day, I will see them face to face, and we will sing Hallelujahs to our King together. Thank you Father Francis for these words of comfort and hope. Thank you to our Lord who gives us the promise of everlasting life and communion with His saints this day and every day.


Greetings and Grace, CTK Parish Family and Friends.
Here indeed is our Praise and Prayers as we Celebrate All Saints and All Souls Day tomorrow and the day after.

First our Praise.
Who are these like stars appearing, these, before God's throne who stand? Each a golden crown is wearing;
Who are all this glorious band? Alleluia! Hark, they sing, praising loud their heavenly King.

Who are these of dazzling brightness, these in God's own truth arrayed, clad in robes of purest whiteness,
Robes who luster ne'er shall fade, ne're be touched by time rude's hand? When comes all this glorious band?

These are they who have contended for their Savior's honor long, wrestling on till life was ended,
Following not the sinful throng; these, who well the fight sustained, triumph by the Lamb have gained.

These are they who hearts were riven, sore with woe and anguish tried, who in prayerful oft have striven
With the God they glorified; now, their painful conflict o'er, God has bid them weep no more.

These, like priests, hae watched and waited, offering up to Christ their will, soul and body consecrated,
Day and Night they serve him still. Now in god's most holy place, blest they stand before his face.

[The Hymnal, # 286].

Second our Prayers.

O God, the King of the saints, we praise and glorify your holy Name for all your servants who have finished their course in your faith and fear:
for the blessed Virgin Mary; for the holy patriarchs, prophets, apostles, and martyrs and for all your other righteous servants, [whom we now name before you],

Herbert and Sylvia Smith
Jerry and Janet Levine
Carl Smith
Johnathon Elston
Hilda Sand
Bud and Gwen Williams
Joseph and Christian Vogel
Dan Kaufman
Walter Smith
Leota Hodgkins
Charles Hodgkins, Sr.
Ed Ramsey
Lessie Ramsey
Julian Javers
Marianna and Stanley Luczak
Chester and Pear Luczak
Charlotte and Leonard Berger
John Andrews
Mary Weyrich
Raymond Weyrich
Glenna Jean Tippey
James Edgar Tippey
Revd. Bill Mills
Henry Miller
Florence Miller
Donna Brandt
Chad Bryan
John Welch Donalsdon
Gloria and Bonner Donaldson
Bill Davis
Jack Pearce
Isabell L. and Floyd R. Adams
Walton L. Brown, Sr.
Martha Bullwinkel
Rober deVignier..
James and Connie Francis
Kathleen Francis
Pradeep Gaikwad
Prakash Gaikwad
John Ramachandran Gaikwad
Rita Francis
Sara Cummins
Bud Hasslinger
Bernadette Hasslinger
Miriam Deal
Raef Reed
Grace
Dorothy Shaifer
Kirbie Brittain
Ron Roop
Doug Gordon



and all others ____________
_________________________
known and unknown to us;
we pray that, encouraged by their example, aided by their prayers, and strengthened by their fellowship, we also may be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light; through the merits of your Son Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Father of all, we pray to you for those we love, but see no longer: Grant them your peace; let light perpetual shine upon them; and in your loving wisdom and almighty power, work in them the good purpose of your perfect will; through Jesus Christ our
Lord. Amen.

Grant, O Lord, to all who are bereaved the spirit of faith and courage, that they may have strength to meet the days to come with steadfastness and patience; not sorrowing as those without hope, but in thankful rememberance of your great goodness,
and in the joyful expectation of eternal life with those they love. And this we ask in the Name of Jesus Christ our Savior. Amen.

Third, The Promise!
Isaiah 25:8 & 9, "The Sovereign Lord will destroy death forever! He will wipe away the tears from everyone's eyes and take the disgrace his people have suffered throughout the world. The Lord himself has spoken. When it happens everyone will say, 'He is our God! We have put our trust in him, and he has rescued us. He is the Lord! We have put our trust in him, and now we are happy and joyful because he has saved us'."

1 Thessalonians 4:16bff, "The Lord himself will come down from heaven. Those who have died believing in Christ will rise to life first; then we are who are living at that time will be gathered up along with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in
the air. And so we will always be with the Lord. So then, encourage one another with these words."

John 11:25, "I am the Resurrection and the Life. Those who believe in me will live, and even though they die; and those who live and believe in me will never die."

Parish Family, please know in Jesus Christ Life triumphs over death and in all things known and unknown, we are more than conquerors through Jesus Christ who loves us, died for us, rose again for us and will come for us and take us all to be with him and all our loved ones who have gone ahead of us so that "we will all reign with HIM forever!"

Soli deo gloria!

Fr. Desmond C. Francis
Rector, CTK parish.

What a day...continued

So, where was I?

On the way to Borders we continued our discussion about SEX. The day began with the kids asking if we could have another child. We explained that Chris had a surgery that prevented him from being a part of making a baby. Then the discussion ensued about whether we had sex any other times besides when conceiving them. And if so, how did we keep from having more kids. So...

Birth Control is the answer to that. There are many forms of birth control. Women can take a pill every day, or have a shot, or wear a patch on their skin that gives them medicine to keep from having a baby. Men can wear a condom. "What's a condom?" Colin asks. Chris says, I have one right here. Do you want me to show you? At that point both kids simultaneously say, "It's time to catch the bus. We have to go."

On the way to Borders, Colin says, "So what exactly is a condom?" I say, "A condom is something a man puts on his penis so that the sperm is unable to get into the woman's body causing pregnancy. It also keeps the man from giving or getting a disease." Further questioning included,

Colin: "What does a condom look like?"
Mom: "It's kind of like a balloon that fits over the penis."
Julia: "When is it ok to have sex?"
Mom: When you are married.

Then I started asking the questions.

Mom: When do you think it is ok to have sex?
Colin: When we are married.
Mom: When do you think you will be married?
Julia: When we are done with college, maybe when we are 25 or so. (That's a relief.)
Mom: When you get married, do you think you will marry a man or a woman?
Colin: Oh Mom, a woman. I like girls.
Julia: Mom, I am going to marry a man.
Mom: How many kids will you have?
Colin: Probably 3 or 4.
Julia: Does it hurt to have babies?
Mom: Oh yeah.
Julia: Mom, why are you saying that? I am not going to want to have kids now.
Mom: I am sorry Julia, it is just the truth. It really hurts. But, there is medicine the doctor can give you so it doesn't hurt so bad.
Julia: I just don't understand how a baby comes out. How does a baby come through that little hole?
Mom: Well your vagina is kind of like a balloon. It stretches out and then like a balloon when the air comes out, it shrinks back to normal size. (I just didn't have the heart to tell her that nothing in that region, (or slightly above) ever is quite the same. I mean if you are lucky, that area bounces back to it's original dimensions, but that belly region, yeah, never bounces back.)
Mom: What do you think you will do when you really like a boy or a girl?
Julia: What do you mean?
Mom: I mean, how will you show that person that you like him or her? Hold their hand? Call them? Just what do you think you will do?
Julia: Kissing is as far as it can go. I don't want to do anything more than that. Holding hands and kissing.
Mom: I appreciate that very much. As you start to feel like you like a boy, or girl Colin, your body might feel things that you don't understand. Just know that your dad and I will want to hear all about it.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't remember ever having a discussion like that with my mom. Maybe they won't remember it either. It could be something that we all block out just so we don't have to think about our parents having sex or knowing anything about it. I love it that we talked so openly about it. I feel like I have to answer questions as they come. But, it seems so early. But, this evening we watched the Thriller video, and then Colin was scanning the music videos on the Direct TV menu. They are so intense and sexual. If their bodies aren't responding now, they will be soon.

What else did I do yesterday? Played with children. My quote of the day comes from a 4 year old who is missing his 2 front teeth.

Miss Rosie: What are you going to be for Halloween:
My friend D: I am going to be a titty.
Miss Rosie: I am sorry, what?
My friend D: I titty, with a tail and ears. I was going to be a fireman, but now I am going to be a titty.
Miss Rosie: Oh, a kitty. That is great. That is awesome.

And it truly was awesome. An awesome moment in my day.

Then headed to the girl scout office to get an orientation so I could be a leader. I wonder if there is a badge for sex education?

Another great day was had today. It's not over yet. Going to visit with my neighbor who has been held hostage by the swine flu that has overtaken her daughter. We are going to meet in her garage, and I will look like I am journeying to the moon with all of my armor to protect me from the germs that are looking for a home to infiltrate and multiply. It was a really great day. Hope I have time to share tomorrow. Halloween! Fun!